Already feeling like I'm a huge burden on my family and friends and that I shouldn't be allowed to exist and be with these people because their life would be so much better if I didn't exist.

Dad comes in to yell at me for not listening and helping Mom and Dad and asked me, "Are you really my child?"

Thanks. A lot.

(I think "rant" is more like "really upset feelings that I don't want to see when I'm feeling better again" when on this blog. Ohwell.)

Scopophobia

So I just found out about this.  And it kinda sorta pretty much describes what I am going through.

Quoting Wikipedia (pfft much reliable very trust), scopophobia or scoptophobia is "an anxiety disorder characterized by a morbid fear of being seen or stared at by others or a pathological fear of drawing attention to oneself."  It also states that it's because being stared at is equated with a feeling of shame or being criticized or despised.

Just this morning, I realized that a lot of the bad feelings that I feel are shame.  And honestly, I find myself unsure what to do with it.  The most I hear about shame is my mom telling me whenever I screw up badly, "Oh, so even you know what shame is?"  So I really don't know what to do.

I think the worst part is that my family trying to help only makes it worse.  They try to make me talk about what is bothering me.  But I know that every time I do, they'll say it's a stupid reason to cry.  I didn't just tell you this so that you can call it stupid.  I told you this because you promised me you'll help me feel better.  As if I didn't know how stupid it is!  Of course I do!  That's why I'm crying!  I cry because it's a stupid reason that's bothering me and making me feel upset!  I cry because I'm so stupid for getting hurt because of stupid reasons!  And the last thing I need during those moments is for those dumb feelings to be reinforced.

It bothers me how much talking with my family is like walking in a circle.
"Do you understand this? They gave us a number for a therapist! It's not a joke anymore?"
Since when were my feelings a joke?  "And? The problem is?"
"The problem is that they think you need a therapist!"
"And what am I supposed to do about this?"
"Tell me what is wrong so I can help."
"Sometimes, I just feel upset."
"...god, you do need a therapist.  I need a therapist just talking with you."

I feel as if this whole concept of feelings is so foreign with my family.  "Just shove your feelings aside and focus on school."  How do I do this?  I still have yet to figure it out, and "just do it" so far is not working, thank you very much.  Simply repeating the same phrase over and over again has not done anything to help me; I don't understand why you insist on continuing.

"Tell me what's wrong. Let me help." sometimes feels more like "Let me tear you and your barely stable feelings apart and make you feel worse."

My day in a nutshell:

"Why am I even at school why am I alive what is going on fuck this shit fuck me ugh I'm dumb this is dumb why am I here."

"...Oh? ....OHH? I'M DOING PRODUCTIVE THING? and with friend too and we're laughing oh this is nice?"

"ohwait. made myself sad again. oops."

...except it spanned 15 hours so it wasn't really as spontaneous as this seems.

More Incomprehensible Words About Feelings

I feel like I need a tag for when I am generally incomprehensible and full of feelings that I cannot let out properly because I CANNOT PUT THEM INTO PROPER WORDS AND ENGLISH.  For the time being, though...

I feel like I have left the community ahaha I'm not sure, is there really supposed to be a "line" for leaving the community?  Like, I realized that if someone declares a line, he or she will most likely come wandering back for a bit and fly off for a bit and come back for a bit.  Anyways, I really don't need a formal declaration.  After all, if I decide I do not wish to watch over the conversations with a group of people, then that's me ahaha.  Personally, I think I'm too much of a wanderer to really do so anyways.  If I feel like doing something, then I'll do it for a lil bit, and then my attention wanders to something else and I'll do that.  I'll bake at 1 in the morning, or draw in the afternoon and then set the unfinished piece aside to take a nap.  Because I felt like it.  I did a bit of roleplaying... and then I stopped for 6 months, and then took it up again.  Because I felt like it.  And I'm aware that I need a bit of fixing and tinkering with this so that I can have some semblance of a schedule in order to be more productive.

Still, I wonder if anyone noticed the fact that I wasn't really there... Ahaha is this a selfish question, I wonder?  I don't really want them to notice, though.  I'd feel better knowing that I can come and go as I please without strings dangling behind me.  After all, I've come to realize how nice being a silent observer is.  I honestly feel... powerful.  Just being there, with a hint of a presence, watching over everyone.  Ahaha, sounds pretty dumb.

I've gotten into some kind of cycle.  Some days, I feel relatively fine, cheerful even..  And then, there are a few days where I cannot grasp the energy or will to get out of bed.  All I can do is lay there crying under the weight of my feelings.  And it's kinda dumb.  I'm not sure what I can do about it...

I feel like my lack of determination is really becoming a problem.  I mean, it was problematic even back in elementary school.  Now, however, I feel like my drive has hit rock-bottom.  I can't bring myself to do much... And sometimes, the bad feelings eat at me even more, telling me that I /can't/ do it.  I'm not sure what to do about this either... Maybe I should try a monthly challenge of some kind?  I think, I tend to do better knowing that someone trusted, like a friend, is relying on me (such as when they need to copy my homework), or when I have a trusted rival of some kind.  Ahaha, I guess, my motivation is dependent on other people, which is why it's so weak. Makes sense.

I'm trying to write songs, however I have also remembered something: I have very little knowledge when it comes to music.  I never learned an instrument.  With singing, I'm barely scraping by with just singing along with the song.  ...And then this portion of my head is really unintelligible.  Therefore, I'll leave it off here, and maybe work on this some other time.  Ah, I really wish I knew what was going on in my head.

Obligatory Feels-filled Thanksgiving Post

Because every Thanksgiving calls for a mushy post where I spit out all my feelings and hope it's semi-understandable and then cry.  Because crying.

(actually, I was crying a lot today ahaha why do people always decide today is a good day for talking about depressing things whoops. Plus, thinking about mushy stuff means also thinking about depressing stuff. oops.  Actually, heck, I was really sad today and I only have half an explanation as to why.)

Umm, I guess I should start listing the things I'm thankful for.  See after the break.

Language Differences

Hello. This is not a Thanksgiving-related post.  That... will probably be tomorrow.  I also have a voice thing that I'll be doing tomorrow for Thanksgiving because giving thanks means giving hope to those who wonder about giving thanks too.  Something like that.

Before I forget, I've been making some audio diaries.  I started them with the purpose of learning how to put feelings into words and how to say them out loud, since I have problems with talking, both figuring out the words to say and saying those words.  I'll find some site to host them soon, and I'll try to figure out an easier way to make them sound presentable despite my laptop noise.  For the time being, though, just know that some of my blog posts and such have been turned into those.

Anyways, this post is based on a discussion I had with a friend.  We were talking about a set of English translyrics I'm working on, in which I pointed out that one of the words used was difficult due to its two forms (aphrodisiac and aphrodisiacal) having two different pronunciations.  However, English is most likely one of the easier languages to write song lyrics in due to its rules and structures being so malleable (at least, in my opinion).  However, Japanese has the ability of fitting in more words and more meanings into sentences with fewer syllables.  While English does have the capability of doing multiple meanings (through puns and idioms and so forth), it's not really the same as Japanese (and it's definitely more difficult to spot in English).

And that brought us to the topic of language classes in different places.  The English language is mostly grammar rules, with vocabulary being kind of secondary in importance.  However, English classes tend to focus more on literature than grammar or vocabulary, and even then, vocabulary seems to have higher importance than grammar.  This might explain why a lot of Americans have difficulty with the language past a certain point.

In English classes in Japan, however, grammar and vocabulary are highly emphasized.  ...Actually, come to think about it, isn't that how a lot of foreign language classes are?  Emphasizing grammar and vocabulary?  I was also wondering how Japanese classes in Japan work, since the Japanese grammar seems to have more with vocabulary than grammar.  I'll ask my teacher when I get back to school.

That also brings to mind the differences between how we learn a foreign language compared to our base language(s).  I say "base language(s)" because, coming from a family that speaks more than one language, I consider them both to be my starting languages.  A base language, for me, is pretty much any language learned and spoken during early childhood.  Foreign languages are learned mostly through grammar rules and vocabulary.  However, as a child, how did we learn a language?  I believe we learned from vocabulary first, and then grammar?  And there are some that believe that learning languages in the same way we learned as children would be more efficient.

I don't think it'd work, though.  Children learns through immersion, observing the people around them and following (which is how I thought as a child that "honey" was my uncle's name. whoops.).  However, when learning a foreign language, we are unable to simulate that, no matter how we try.  ....Also, there's something about the conscious mind compared to the subconscious and how it changes from child to adult among other cranial changes, but I will save that for another post since this one is already pretty long.  Overall, though, a child's mind is different from our currently, grown minds.  I, for one, remember being a lot more oblivious and happy as a child than my current cynical self.  And this cynicism, I think, is one of those things that prevents me from learning in the same way I did when I was younger.

Anyways, I'm not even sure what the point of this post is anymore, nor do I know where to put a page break.  I apologize for it being so monstrously long.

Anyways,

Feels for fish prince

In which I will probably delete this later.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
SO PRINCE
SO PISCES
SO COOOL
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
CANNOT HANDLE.
TOO PRINCE
TOO COOL

Thank you.

About Teachers

I think that teachers should put aside a little bit of their time to talk to each other!!
I mean, there's a lot of benefits to a little interaction with coworkers!

1. Teachers can share information!  This one is very important to the teachers cuz it means that they'll be less in the dark about things that are happening at school.  They can also learn about different teaching methods and whatnot! Very helpful to the teachers that just use videos all the time since that means no one knows a thing about the subject.
2. It'll improve their moods! I think teachers forget about this a lot, since they're always about work work work!!  Stop playing around with your friends during your breaks and get some studying done!! But I think that studying and homework goes into the brain best when you do it when HAPPY!!!! Cuz you're enjoying it and paying attention to it and everything feels FUWAFUWA.  But teachers are always complaining about all they have to do and read and this and that and then they act grouchy in class and yell at people for insignificant things.  If they'd just talk to some other teacher, maybe complain a little about dum students that don't bring binders or w/e and laugh about it with each other, maybe they'd be a lot less grouchy!

Afterall, I think a lot of teachers just go to school thinking that they'll do the work and then leave ASAP.  And students know that this method makes a person feel really sad and all sorts of bad feels.  Afterall, if you're going there everyday, then you mind as well put aside at least a little time to talk with some coffee.  "Hey, did you hear about what happened at the rally?" "yea yea I heard ahaha" "oh I don't go to those things" "oh well this happened and" "oh does the principal allow that" "nope I heard they got suspended" "haha serves them right"

I get scared when the teacher says groupwork because I might not get along with the other people.  But then I realize that the majority of the time, even if they're not people that I would normally hang out with, we're all really willing to work with each other because it gives us the chance to talk with each other a little.  One of my teachers yelled at my group to "Stop laughing!" and "Stop having fun! You're supposed to be working!" but hey, guess what? We got the work done!  And it was nice.  I was in a good mood for the rest of the day.  Things like that should happen to teachers, too.

And this has been a 20-minutes-to-4-in-the-morning blogpost by Lee. Thank you.

Personal Relationship Issues

I am okay if you are clingy or possessive or whatever it is about yourself so long as you have enough decency and understanding to notice whether actions caused by said traits are making me feel uncomfortable or upset and not doing said actions.  I am willing to talk and help come up with alternatives if necessary.  What I am not okay with is using said traits as excuses to get in my personal space and to start pushing other people that try to interact with me in public and hug me while screaming "MINE".  You are not five.  You can articulate yourself better than a sea gull.  If I have already rejected you, please do not try to kiss me.  Please stop getting upset when I tell you that I do not want to hug you, or I do not feel like talking, or you're being clingy.  Just because I look depressed all the time doesn't mean I am all the time, nor does it mean that I can't get upset.

I really needed to get that out of my system.

I've been facing some personal issues at school.  I feel incredibly disgusted by the actions of a few people, but I cannot call them out due to the fact that all three have gotten upset due to be called out on their actions before.  I know that, highschool being how it is, I cannot afford to make people upset.  While I am in highschool, I will be forced to continue interacting with these people, taking classes with these people, working with these people on projects, and asking these people for help, and strained relations in these situations are unbearable to deal with.  That is one of the reasons why I have chosen to abstain from relationships in highschool: the ensuing mess of a failed relationship is too much to deal with, especially when there are more important things that should be focused on.  However, it seems that such drama has made its way to me even with my efforts to stay out of such things.

I am also uncomfortable with confrontations.  It's just how I am.  I have issues talking directly with most people and fighting back against people in general.  I dislike unnecessary attention.  That makes me a prime target for bullying, of course.  I usually ask my close friends to help me.  However, in this situation, both people are within the circle that my close friends and I are in and both people will get upset no matter who the statement is delivered by.

I am really unsure of what I should do in this situation.

More Frustration

I am incredibly upset right now and it upsets me even more seeing my family members treat it like a joke of some sorts.  I also really shouldn't be in ownership of the keyboard at the moment seeing that this is going to be a bunch of incoherent angrish.

I went outside to try making a microwave brownie for myself to see if it would make me feel better.  Plus, I really wanted a brownie and no one in the house makes them except for me.  Despite the fact that I still have homework to finish (which I can't even do right now because I AM UPSET and the shitty thing about being upset is that it renders me absolutely fucking useless.  However, that's the subject of a separate rant.)  My parents have this thing where they want me outside and not in my room anyways.  However, Mom put the paper I wrote the recipe on in her cabinet of random papers written in Vietnamese AKA incomprehensible to everyone except her.  And then I found out she shitted up with the other cabinets, so I needed her help finding everything and GETTING THE STUPID BUTTER MOM DON'T USE BUTTER LIKE THAT.

And so she and dad asked me what my beef is.  Despite the fact that I told Dad earlier already.  And so, it is apparently my fault for not knowing where anything is in our kitchen and leaving my room in the first place.  Thank you.  Thank you so much.

Mom also yelled at me earlier because I picked the wrong body wash or something??? despite the fact that, when I asked her, she waved me off with "Are you stupid? They're all right there, and there's "body wash" labeled. It's in English too.  You can read, right?  Just pick one."  I shrugged it off with, "Well, there aren't many nice-smelling things in the bathroom anyways," referencing the fact that all the shampoos in there make me want to puke and Mom hasn't done anything about it despite the fact that I've been telling her for a week.  She then says, "There's the bubble bath."  "Mom, none of us take baths except for my brother." "YEA, AND YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE BUBBLE BATHS BECAUSE..." Mom, I didn't ask for this lecture.  Mom, I don't take bubble baths. I don't even take baths, I shower.  Mom, why are you yelling at me.  Please don't yell.

I really don't like the fact that my anger and feelings are being disregarded so easily.  Even if I don't show feelings as often as my brother doesn't mean that I don't have them, or that they shouldn't be taken as seriously.  I do get legitimately angry and upset.

Mom, Dad, didn't you guys want me to come of my room more?  Well?  Are you happy now?  Are you happy?

I am really upset and I just want food.  I want food, and I want someone to take care of me right now.  I don't want to be the big sister anymore.  I don't want to be the responsible one.  I just want a fucking brownie or cookie in a mug when I'm feeling too shitty to function.

Failed Attempts at Peace

I am extremely upset right now.  Woke up upset, had a bad day, yatta yatta.

I know that when I'm upset, I yell.  I don't mean to, I don't even notice that I do until my dad yells at me for it.  He does the same thing (despite being in denial about it).  He also doesn't like it when I yell, and I don't like it when he yells.

Therefore, I decided to try talking indirectly to him since everyone in the family now texts.  Idk, I guess I was hoping to get through a conversation explaining why I don't want them barging into my room asking me things and yelling at me when I yell at them.  Unfortunately, I guess my dad didn't share the same sentiments.

I texted Dad saying, "I don't want to come out of my room or talk directly to anyone right now because I am upset.  Is that okay?"

Unfortunately, Dad then decides that with this text, it'd be perfectly okay to walk right into my room to ask me why I am upset.  I tell him I don't want to yell at him, and if he could just talk to me indirectly, like with text or something.  He asks me again. I tell him I don't want to yell.  He keeps asking. Eventually, he gets frustrated at my lack of answers and leaves, telling me I can go starve for all he cares.

Okay. Thank you.
I tried, I guess.

I have just realized something.  It's not really important, I guess (although I suppose it is to me), and it seems rather obvious now.

I lack major will-power.

I mean, I always knew that I'm not a willful type of person.  I can never be the confident, intimidating onee-chan character that I want to be.  However, I didn't realize how much will-power I lacked until it hit me while I was browsing Tumblr.

I also realized today that while I'm comfortable with hugging other people, I'm not as comfortable when they hug back.  I guess I'm just not used to that /o/

Dream Log: Children

I tend to dream a lot, and of pretty weird things.  I think, though, that they're frequent enough to warrant a label, yes?  Ahaha, time will tell.

Anyways, recently, I've been getting dreams where I'm grown up and surrounded by neighborhood children.  Apparently, in that universe, my brother took a video of me showing him how to make microwave brownies because "Cooking is not that hard, so you should start slowly in becoming less dependent on me bringing you meals."  Something like that.  The video gained popularity with children for whatever reason, and then apparently I kept doing kiddie videos despite stating in that channel's description that I would not make a good role model due to my lack of purity (so true).

What I found kind of startling but also pretty nice was that it was easy to talk to the kids in that dream.  Things like speaking softly and making weird metaphors and connections... those kinds of things have less value as you grow older, I think?  But in the end, they're not that hard for me.  Not as hard as talking to people in my age group, where being loud and making a bunch of pop culture references that are basically giant in-jokes are the cool thing.

During one of those dreams, a kid told me that there was another kid at school being mean to him.  He was the type who didn't really do much with others.  I told him that he was being a Batman, and that he should find teammates, like Robin and Bruce, to help him against the bad guy.  He said, "But what if I be friends with them, and then they are mean to me, too?"  I told him, "Then that's not a Robin.  Robin would never hurt Batman, right? Because Robin likes Batman and Batman likes Robin. So you keep going until you find a Robin to be by your side."

Apparently, an angry mother complained that by stating that Batman likes Robin and Robin likes Batman, I was somehow promoting the homosexual agenda.  These kids were around 5.  I think I said something like, "When your kid says something like, 'I like cookies,' does he mean that he wants to marry that cookie? No, he's saying, 'I think cookies are cool,' or something like that. In the same way, Robin thinks Batman is cool and Batman thinks Robin is cool and your kid thinks you're cool."

I never understand the point of my dreams, and they tend to be rather random.  Even so, I like kids.  A future where I'm surrounded by kids isn't all that bad, even if I wouldn't be able to curse, drink, or be violent as much.

Life in a jar

I've seen a lot of people quote this one thing about a professor with a jar of golf balls and pebbles and sand and whatnot.  The story goes that the professor put the items in, one by one, starting with the golf balls and ending with the sand, while asking the students after each one if the jar is full.  Each time, the answer was yes, meaning that life can be full even without the tiny things, the sand.

However, I think what might be a bit more fitting would be ice tea.  The cup is still full with the ice in it, even if there's not much taste.  The tea would be the "little things" the things that fit between the gaps.  However, in the end, everything becomes a tiny thing.  This journey in finding that special someone, and all those break ups and heartbreaks?  Eventually will be insignificant.  Your grades and test scores?  Eventually will also be a tiny part of your life.  In the end, you'll just have a cup of small things.

I'm not sure where I was going with this.

Fish Food

I felt like naming Horoscope-related things Fish Food because I'm a Pisces and I'm not really sure.  It's 2 in the morning, and I need to get up earlier than I normally do on a weekend (which isn't very early anyways) because I have classmates coming over for a group project.  However, this thought suddenly popped into my head.  Maybe I'll think of a better name in the morning.

(On another note, I'm seeing less and less use for labels since the majority of my posts here are borderline rambling with only hints of connecting themes and whatnot.  Ohwell.)

I was thinking while brushing my teeth, and I realized how far Pisces' paradoxical nature goes.  We usually can't handle the truth, but at the same time, we seek that shit like water.  We can't handle our emotions half the time, but at the same time, we love just feeling feelings, and we use it like fuel for things we do, like poems and songs and blogposts.  Like, it's just like LIVING IS GREAT BECAUSE I CAN FEEL THINGS??? but at the same time, LIVING IS NOT NICE BECAUSE FEELS???  I'm not really sure myself ahaha.

Falling Behind

Falling Behind

Another random thing by Lee

My Family is Incredibly Amusing 1

Naming it with a 1 because I have no clue what to name this but I know that there'll be more posts like this one and I most likely won't know what to name all those other ones too. Unoriginality at its finest, folks.

Life is like a river

Life is like a river, and we are all fish

A something Lee wrote after a history test because fuck doing homework, I was braindead as hell.

Reply to the Value of Fulfillment

(Does it seem like I'm doing too many "reply to Eva's blogpost with a blogpost because my answer is that freaking long"?  Sobs I feel like I've been doing a lot of those lately ahahaha.)

Anyways, I wanted to do a reply post to this cuz I've also thought about this before.  Many. Freaking. Times.

So, it starts with this question: If getting an "A" is supposedly "above and beyond", then would that mean that the teachers model their expectations on something that is not even a whole?  Afterall, "B" is equivalent to 80 out of 100.

However, isn't this expectation that an "A" is what we are supposed to achieve actually a new development?  We've noticed, after all, the fact that the education system is pushing for more and more with each generation.  A few generations ago, colleges were considered above and beyond.  Nowadays, they are the expected standard.  Prodigies are the same.  Each year, it feels like the "new genius" is younger and younger.

Therefore, it's safe to say that one person's obligation is not the same as another person's.  A person working at his or her job can put all of his or her effort into the job, stating that it is because that is what they are supposed to do.  At the same time, however, we can have another person working that same job without having the same feeling of obligation towards the job.  Perhaps he or she has obligations elsewhere, maybe with family, or a games, or a hobby.

Let me try to make this into a singing analogy, because everything I do turns into a huge metaphor anyways.  Some people are good at singing, while others are good at mixing, or drawing, or animating.  Just because one person can sing really well doesn't mean we all should.  If you want to animate, then good for you!  If you want to mix, then yeah! Great job!  And in the comments section, there's variety in expectations there, too.  Some people praise for effort, while other praise for good mixing, or professional-looking results.

I'm not saying that a person can't be obligated towards multiple things.  It's more like, people have different priorities.  And if one of your priorities is being kind to others, then, despite that being what you feel you are supposed to do, it can feel like an extra to someone else.  Some people like to put effort into going above and beyond in sports.  Is that what everyone needs to do, then?  No.  You do whatever you feel you should do, what you feel is important.  And if you happen to feel that being kind towards me for whatever reason is on your list of priorities, then jesuschristwithtoastifuckingloveyou thank you so much.

Because if everyone on this planet does everything that they are supposed to do, we mind as well have a planet of robots.

Some more Singing Stuff

So I wasn't entirely studying all the time.  A girl's gotta have fun sometimes, y'know?  And so, I did a thing for Karin in the middle of the night. |D  And it actually seems kinda decent, considering that I did it while half asleep and it was just done really quickly and I was worried that the song might be too fast for me, or that it might not fit my voice.  Ahahaa.... (anxiety is a bitch).

And on another note, Cherri and I are starting Vocaloid Karaoke Database!  This is a Tumblr where we'll put up things that people tend to look for when singing Vocaloid songs!  That would be: Off vocals, romaji lyrics, and guides, such as vocal guides and harmony guides!  Cherri and I both are busy with school as well, though, and this is pretty new, so please be patient as we start putting things up!  And if you want to see a specific song, don't hesitate to request it! >w<

Sophomore Year

Is a lot more demanding than I thought it'd be. Seriously.

(Then why are you making a blog post about it instead of studying? idiot.)

Productivity and Guilt

People tend to dislike a person who is productive without being productive in a way that directly benefits them, the outsider.  This is especially true with collaborations, in which someone who is productive outside of the group whilst not being as productive within the group is detested upon greatly.  I have been on both sides and find that, even without action, every route involves increasingly negative emotions the longer the project is continued.

To the outsider, there is a feeling of betrayal.  It feels as if that person simply does not care enough for the group, your group, to do their duty before taking care of their own needs.  The extra activities are seen as inferior to your own group's work, sometimes to the point where the extras are seen as mere hobbies, relaxation activities, while the work is seen as genuine work, regardless of how it actually is.  To confront them is to risk losing a friend, and to many there is a certain guilt rippling through them as they are forced to place blame on said friend.  To remain passive is to continue watching as this person continues on with their ways, the negative feelings bubbling inside you, boiling in a discreet heat.  A hate begins to form, and sometimes there's guilt in such a harsh emotion being formed due to such a reason.

On the other hand, the other person tends to have just as much guilt.  In my situation, I find myself unable to do any work at all.  Guilt crumbles around me, threatening to crush me no matter where I turn.  It's hard to breathe, and I'm trapped, I'm trapped with no where to go, no action to take to save me from this predicament.  Any attempts to work on the project itself lends guilt in the form of "Why didn't I do this sooner?" "Are they going to use this against me? 'So now you do it, huh?' 'Why didn't you do this before?' or 'Where have you been all this time?  Y'know most of this is me. Why do you still bother?'".  Anything outside of the project brings up the guilt, the "Why aren't you doing what you should be doing?".

Of course, both of these are simply how I felt in each situation, and imply that the person has a certain sense of remorse.  Certain people lack these feelings, and while they may be hated more so, I kind of envy them for their ability to continue on unaffected by such things.  Of course, I say that about any kind of ability to disregard feelings, so please take that lightly.

Revelations || Responsibility

If our parents are the cause of all of our failures, then wouldn't they also be the cause of all of our successes?

I guess that if you want to call the success your own, you also need to call the failure your own.

And maybe, that's what growing up is about.

Nowhere to Run

I saw Eva's Girl in a Bubble post, and it reminded me of some thoughts I've been having of myself.

Lately, I've been staying at the library late.  It's not really because I have a lot of homework or anything.  I have things I need to do, yes, but that has nothing to do with why I'm there.

I'm there because I don't like being at home.

Even so, I don't really like being outside for so long either.  It's so tiring... Mentally, emotionally, physically, I am still not ready to be out for so long.  I come home at 8pm every night on school days.  I have enough time to eat dinner, shower, and then sleep until morning, in which I go to school and the cycle repeats.

I don't know where to go, though.

I have nowhere else to run.

I'm at the point where I'm still seeking for the comforts of the bedroom, but I really want to know what this outside world is like.  I don't like being at home, but I like being in my room.  I like having people close, but at the same time, I don't.  Idunno about that last one, I just like feeling a warm body and find it weird at the same time.  I'll be talking to someone and suddenly get that itching sick feeling, so I'll make an excuse to end the Skype call.  Half an hour later, I get lonely again, so I'll call them back and tell them I finished whatever I said I had to do.

In the end, how do we tell which side of a line we are on?

Is it really possible to be balancing right on the center of this line for so long?

Is this line even wide enough for one to be right smack dab on the center and not teetering?

Fears and Aunt Ruby

About a week ago, a friend told me that a woman finds out her worst fears when on her period. Today, I realized how right she was.

On another note, please expect the times on blogposts to be extremely weird and out of whack from now on. I figured out a way to blog while not on my computer... that does not include actually posting blogposts until I feel like it. AKA I'm cheating. Woo~ /o/

Photos

I am not fond of taking pictures of myself.

Nor am I fond of having my picture taken.

That being said, a few weeks ago, I found the confidence to actually take a goddamn pic of myself.  And now I don't know what to do with it, so I guess I'll just put it here.

Recently, I managed to change my Facebook picture to an actual picture of myself.  I used to not be allowed to be tagged in rl pics, cuz of my parents and stuff, so it feels so weird to have one as a profile pic.  It's even weirder because everyone (and their mom) immediately jumped on it, liking the shit out of it and whatnot.

How frightening.

Compassion

I swear, I did not mean to write an essay.  I actually have an actual English essay I should be writing.  Instead, I'm writing some science shit.  Maybe I'll try spiffying it up later and seeing if my Bio teacher would give me some extra credit points on it.

Today, as I was walking home from school, I witnessed a not-too-extraordinary event.  A little black dog, all sleek and skinny and seemed to be about knee-height or something, ran onto the street.  That wasn't too remarkable, considering that we're in a suburb, so animals do shit like that from time to time.  However, these two girls suddenly ran onto the streets after the dog.

Anyways, that event made me think.    It made me wonder about the compassionate nature of humans and the effect of efficient transportation on these certain genetics.

I have realized

That Near is a very bad at judging ages.

Considering that he thought both Leelee and I were a lot older than we actually are.

But issokay cuz he's an adorably lame kitty.

Apathy

Well, it happened.

A good portion of my emotions suddenly shut off.

...Okay, that's not really what happened.  But it might as well have.  I think it's more like I've lost touch of other people.  I can't really feel other people's emotions as well as I normally do.  And that means a good portion of the emotions in me aren't working like they normally do.

This should be a good thing, right?  I mean, I did say that I wanted to feel nothing.  And I guess this is about as close to it as I can get.

I guess, but... Idk.  It's unnerving me.  Plus, things were finally going back to normal.  I've been feeling better, happier, and I've been hanging out with more people.  And then suddenly this.

I also wanted to add that the lack of emotions also means I have trouble understanding whether I'm upsetting or weirding out other people.  And that's pretty bad.

....I don't know, really.

I'm feeling some kind of unsettling emotion, and I have no clue what.

I disappointed somebody, probably a few people, today.

I know one of them is me.

I was hanging out with a group of people today.  Something out of my comfort zone.  Felt brave enough to after sleeping in call for the first time, as well as other things.

I wonder how obvious my discomfort was.

I wonder what they think of me now.

Stupid?

Dim-witted?

Ditzy?

Brainless?

Air-headed?

I mentioned some things that I should've left alone.

The past is the past.

Why can I not understand this?

I always told myself to just let go.

Afterall, it's always the guilt that kills me, not the act itself.

Hindsight is a bitch.

Feelings

I kind of envy people who can suddenly have feels and let them out so easily.

I'm naturally an emotional person.  And that should be fine.  Except that in my household, showing negative emotions is a bad thing, since having negative emotions is bad.  Sad?  No, you can't be sad.  You can't be upset, or angry, or anything.  Don't learn bad things like that.  You need to learn to be happy.

In the end, I have trouble telling how I feel.  I've been bottling up my emotions for so long that I usually just identify them as "positive", "negative", or "neutral", and nothing further than that.  I try not to show emotions, and when I do, I try not to show them in front of other people, especially my family.  It's hard, though, when I'm not allowed to keep my door closed and just be alone.

Sometimes, though, I just want to be able to show emotions like a normal person.

I want to cry when I read a sad book, or see a sad movie, or have a bad dream.

I just want to be able to cry for once.

Life's Narrow Path

 So Eva did a blog post about how one-track life is.  And since I don't know what concise wording is, my answer is a blog post.

I agree about how society's become more narrow LOL Although... it kinda makes me wonder why.  Part of it is because people genuinely believe that people will be more successful if things start young.  However, another part is because people like to show off all these prodigies nowadays.  There's a lot of push on being the youngest talent.

I still remember when I first learned of careers and jobs back in kindergarten.  I came home and talked about it with my dad, and he casually asked me what I wanted to be.  I gave him 5 options (I remember three of them being writer, artist, and teacher) and he gunned them all down because they weren't good enough.

Currently, I'm stressed because I feel like there's not enough time for everything.  My parents keep telling me to learn everything I want to learn while young, and that things such as drawing, writing, singing, and whatever can be done later on in life.  However, it feels like I'm missing opportunities.  I'm wasting time.  And it sucks, because it probably is possible to have another chance to do it later in life.  But I feel like I missed my chance because I didn't do it early enough.

My mom points out that her friend's daughter is in the 1st grade and is learning piano.  And why didn't I learn piano, she asks.  Why aren't I any good compared to these younger people, she asks.  And I'm not supposed to answer, so I just sit there and ask myself why.

College is one of those things that you can go back to later in life.  However, sometimes, I forget that, because people are so focused on things being right that first time.  In fact, Uncle told me to double-major my first year, then hurry up and be successful before grandma and grandpa leave us.  I know I can always go back after the first time if I don't like my major, but... in the end, that's also wasted time, isn't it?  I don't know anymore...

Aunty thinks I should be a law clerk.  And it fits, according to her description.  Write up documents, give them to higher-up, done.  From what she said, I could just do it at home if I want to.  Even so... I don't know.  I feel myself wavering a lot.  I don't really know what I want to be.  I feel like I need to hurry up, though... Like everyone's running and I'm too tired to, so I just walk.

Eva also mentioned that people grow at different paces.  And I agree on that.  I know I've mentioned the health triangle before on this blog.  A self is made up of the mind/emotions, the physical body, and the part that meets society (or something like that).  For me... I guess my mental and social aspects are kind of stinted.  The school therapist told me that it's normal to have a late emotional reaction to things since I'm not used to expressing my emotions.  Even so, I feel so behind compared to my classmates.  I still remember how I discovered what a "radio" was in 4th or 5th grade and started listening to music, and my best friend just humored me since she tried to introduce it to the uninterested me of 3rd grade.

My Health teacher told us that highschool used to be like college.  Few people passed, and those that did were able to get a wide variety of jobs.  And then highschool got too easy, so college became the new thing.  I wonder if, someday, the new thing would be specialty schools, like med school and law school and whatnot.  Specialty schools will probably be created for a whole bunch of professions, and it'll be the new thing.

Wow, wasn't this supposed to be a reply to a blog post what the hell.

Poetry

I normally don't do poetry.

Normally, I don't even do translyrics.

Why?

Because I suck at picking the right words for a small amount of space.

In fact, I think there might've been a word to replace all of that, too.  I just can't think of it.  AHAHAorz.  Anyways, I actually used to do a lot of poetry.  Back when I was little, I loved writing poems.  I still kinda do like the whole ring and whatnot with poetry.  I just find it sorta difficult to understand sometimes.

However, that did not stop me from doing a sequel to Eva's poem because I felt like it 8D  Actually, I was kinda worried because it was just an impulsive thing.  I read it, I jotted something down and quickly hit publish before I could self-doubt.  And then I self-doubted.

But yeee it turned out fine and eheheheeh <3 It was a nice thing to see considering how my week has been ahahah~

Anyways, just gonna casually put it up here as well.  IT'S ALSO ON EBAH'S BLOG AND WHATNOT.

 Yeah.

EDIT: Hey I did a 4th part.  Which I'll prolly redo later when I have the braincells necessary.  And I added the title.

Aspiration

A bird in a cage
With no will to fly,
Who aspires not,
Whose wings denied,
Feels neither longing,
Nor vexed, nor content;
Yet to be in this cage
This bird is meant.*

A bird in a cage
Loses the will to fly.
White wings, full-fledged;
But the heart will deny.
Nowhere to run,
Wishing not to roam.
In this cage
This bird is home.

A bird in a cage
Knows not how to fly--
Its wings inexperienced,
Its plight to deny
That skies can be soared;
Destination unfound.
Fearful is this bird,
And to this cage it’s bound.*

A bird in a cage
Learns not how to fly
But to dream and to wish
Of worlds undefined.
For it has grown weary,
And used to the pain.
This cage is its life,
A perennial stain.

 *These stanzas are written by Eva.

Nothing gold can stay

So my laptop is really old.

Like, dinosaur old.

Like, I-still-have-a-green-start-button-because-I-have-XP old.

And I thought it was just fine.  Until recently, anyways.

My laptopbby's fan had always been a bit loud.  To the point where people notice when things are wrong because my laptop noise wasn't there.

However... I think it's seriously starting to die...

And I am seriously freaking out because LAPTOPBBY.  PLEASE. STAY WITH ME.  Daddy told me to just save all my shit in an external hard drive, but it's like... I HAVE TOO MUCH SHIT TO SAVE ;w; WHAT TO DO.

I'm a packrat and a bit creepy.  Therefore, I save mp3s and lines (some I'm not supposed to have) and pictures and--

I don't know what to do with this all someone help me please.

Talented people.

kuruC ‏@cooroosii3h

my TL is full of talented people who can pretty much do everything and here i am a quivering lump of fried fuckedness

kuruC ‏@cooroosii3h

"don't mind me, i just made a song, the art, the PV, and the utau. what'd you do today?" "oh i just.. existed."

While I disagree concerning this particular person (I personally like reading their tweets--), these few tweets highlight a feeling that I've been feeling an awful lot of recently. And yes, I remember that other blogpost I made about this. I know there's nothing actually required of me...

And yet, I don't feel any less worthless.

I made a blogpost about how people use emotions to create because they want to be heard. Then it occurred to me. That's not really true for everyone. Some people create, but prefer not to share or don't care whether it is shared or not. And so I decided. Another reason people create is to be productive. If these emotions can make something, then they wouldn't be so worthless, yeah?

Please excuse me, I'm the only person stupid enough to be writing at stupid hours like this LOL.

Language Barriers

Jfc I hate when I don't know how to answer and Mom thinks I just don't know how to say it.
Mom, I'm not my brother.  I'm not some white-wash don't-know-my-own-fucking-ethnicity.

I just don't know the fucking answer.

What is Productivity

So I have quite a bit I could be doing:

• studying and catching up on school work
• drawing for some duet pvs
• writing fanfics
• working on my fanfic blog
• recording for some duets and whatnot
• recording. in general.
• other stuff

 Instead, what do I do?

This is what I spent an entire hour on.

I also cannot turn it into a .gif file like I wanted to because the only computer in the house that can probably withstand the program needed to do that... is my brother's computer.

And so you get this for now.

What.

Jeffrey, water you doing.

Wat am I watching.

Just.

wat.

"I told you already.  You're normal.  You heard what your teacher said.  You have to learn to deal with it.  I am very busy.  I have lots of things to do.  What do you do?  Go to school.  Go home.  Play. Sleep.  Hah.  You have too much time, causes you to think weird thoughts.  Like how you think you have depression.  Or those stupid thoughts about suicide.  You don't think about suicide, right?"

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks, Dad.

Nowhere

It is possible to not be feeling any particular emotion.  "Empty".

Why is it not possible to not be anywhere, then?

Why is it not possible to not be hearing any sound?

I don't want to be here.

There isn't any particular place I want to be.

I just know where I don't want to be.

 

Can I just be nowhere?

Reasons to Create

People who suffer as helpless puppets, captured by unrelenting strings connected to the master hand of emotions, tend to use these feelings to create.  Drawing, writing, singing... Art in general is made of emotions.

Emotions are very raw.  Any attempt from humans to channel emotions causes some of it to be lost.  How much of it lost depends on the person being the medium.  Each person is better at sharing their feelings through certain ways than others.  Physically speaking, my abilities are writing>singing>art (I think).  Mentally speaking, I am more like art>singing>writing.

Every time we channel our emotions into a work, something gets lost in translation.  Due to how personalized emotions are, we must change a thing or two here and there for other people to understand.  What words, colors, shapes, sounds, do people associate with this feeling?  How can I show other people what I am feeling?

I guess... in essence, that's why people do art.  They want to show what they're feeling.  If other people know what they're feeling, then they don't feel so alone.  People understand.

Twitter without a timeline

I sometimes find myself wishing that there was such a thing as a Twitter without a timeline.

I take comfort in the fact that people don't have to read my shit if they don't want to.

I take comfort in the fact that very few people even know this place exists. (Hi Eva.)

Sometimes, though, my thoughts and feelings happen too quickly for me to blog like this.  Sometimes, I just want to say a few quick things and be done with it.

Sometimes, I just want my feelings out short and simple, like a tweet.

But Twitter isn't the best place for stuff like that.  Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook all have timelines that forces the viewer to see everything their friends say, everything their friends do.

It scares me.

It reminds me of my parents, always trying to figure out what I'm doing, and yet not supporting me in the things I do.  They're suspicious of every friend I have.  I'm not allowed to cry.  I'm not allowed to look or act sad.  At one time, I wasn't allowed to sing.

They'll judge me.  For every thing I do, I'll be judged.  Are your feelings real, or are you just being a fake?  Are you any good?  Sometimes, I don't tweet things because I say them to myself, and I think, "It doesn't feel real enough.  They'll think I'm faking, or I'm being overly dramatic."  Maybe I am.

Right now, I don't want to blog.  I want to tweet.

Depression

Sucks.

I thought things were getting better.  I thought I was getting over it.  That I was on the other side of the hill now.

Guess who thought wrong?

My mood's been getting worse and worse lately.  My friends have been busy.  Don't wanna bother them.  I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I don't get it.

I really thought I was getting better.  Why is my mood down here again?  Ugh...

To makes things worse, the teacher tried talking to my parents about my depression.

Can I just not be living anymore?

Plants vs. Zombies Pick Up Lines

Because, hell, there's PvsZ fanfics.  Why aren't there any pick-up lines?
So, naturally, because I'm a huge geek, I made my own.

Satisfaction

Karin once listened to me trying to do lines for KPC.  That's when she learned how much I hate my own voice.

However, I was just going through my mess of a music folder earlier and listening to various shits and trying to sing some of them.  I found an acoustic arrange of Hello How Are You and decided to see if it's singable or not.

Answer: Yes, yes it is.

And I found that I actually kinda like what I recorded.  Only kinda.  But that's good enough for me considering how I normally am.

[Link] (Please excuse my laptop noise--)

I'm not sure yet whether I want to do a full or not (since I haven't even gotten to the chorus LOL).  However, I'm finding that I really like that arrange and I kinda like how I sound in it and I really like that song.  So I might just do it.  Ahaha... we'll just see how I feel about it tomorrow.

Feelings

I'm a Lee and I don't understand feelings.

There's some type of feeling here, a negative feeling, and I just don't know what it is...  Loneliness?  Disappointment?  Or am I just simply really uninspired?  Or... what?  I don't get it.  I just don't get it.

I get in call, and after a while, I feel antsy.  I get out of call, and after a while, I feel empty.  Can't I be satisfied?  Not really, it seems.

I have things I should be doing.  Ceramics, homework, fanfics, art... and I just can't bring myself to do anything because I feel like the stupidest sack of shit on the planet for no actual reason...  I try to shove it off, but in the end I just flop back and forth like a mood-swinging fish.

Someone, please write a book or something about feelings.  Explain what this shitbag of a thing called a mood is.

Bullshit

So I am finally home.  And my brother does not understand the meaning of "I don't feel like putting up with bullshit at the moment."  AKA "Please leave me the fuck alone."  (I apologize for cussing so much. It's even in the title.)

Lonely

This week has been kind of nice, I suppose.  After all the stress of being with people, working with people, school and whatnot... It was kind of nice to have some time to myself.  Draw some pictures.

I say that, but... in the end, even introverts get lonely.  And a week... is a bit too much.

I found that the people I usually talk to were either at school, at work, or busy (usually playing LoL) for a good amount of time during this week.  And... I'm not too sure if what I'm feeling is loneliness or not, but... it feels heavy... like crying... I don't like it.  Maybe it's lonely.  I have no clue.

What am I doing with my life

So I am feeling extremely restless.

I'm pretty sure the cause is my inactivity.  Seriously.  I've been so unproductive this week that I actually feel physically itchy and restless.  And it's not a good feeling.

This week was Spring Break. And yet, I feel so upset about my lack of productivity... and I'm not even sure why I feel like this.  Agh...

I want to do something... But what to do...

What should I title this.

"Geez, [Lee], you cry when you have bad dreams.  You cry when you read or watch or even just listen to sad, depressing stuff.  Why do you take it all so personally?  What's next, suicide?  I don't know what to do with you anymore."

If only you knew. *laughs*

Honestly?  I don't really know either.

Restless

Today, I woke up to find two choruses uploaded.  I am not in either of them, but they are both very beautiful, high-quality choruses that you should take a look at if you haven't yet.  Because Blogger has been mean to me lately, I'm just going to link them.

The first is Paranoia, from Harlequin*Project.

The second is a Niki Medley for Nipah's birthday.

Like I said, they're both really good choruses.

However, I'm getting some kind of feeling... I'm not sure. Maybe it's because of certain choruses that haven't been getting out on time (due to poor management on my part).  I don't know.  It's like an itch deep inside, too far deep for me to itch properly.

Maybe it'll go away when I finally do something productive LOL.

Maybe.

The Shipwright

So I started a new blog for my fics and shipping and whatnot because I realized that this is a really personal blog and putting things like ships and fics here would be... kinda inapropro LOL.  So yeah.

http://leeshipwrites.blogspot.com/

Pretty Good Day .w.

     By the way, did anyone notice that I just learned how to use jump breaks yesterday? Ahaha...orz...
Anyways, today was actually a pretty good day for once! .w. I really hope this continues!

Birthday 2013: Part 2

More birthday messages from Twitter.

[Shipping Moments] Kori x Near

(Yes, this will be a thing now. Cuz I felt like it.  God, this is gonna become a shipping blog or something AHAHA)

Birthday 2013: Part 1

     I am now 15, and I don't know whether to be happy or not cuz I feel old already.  I guess I'm happy though, because this year, it feels as if people actually care.  And that's good cuz I really needed that.  It's been my birthday for about half an hour in my own timezone, and already I want to cry because I've received so many birthday wishes from people.  And since I know I'll forget and stuff, I'll be updating this post to put all of those birthday messages because this will be a huge mood booster for me.

I really have no life

Last year, I experienced my first chorus battle: VocaFusion
I decided to do this during VocaFusion. [link]
As per tradition, when the Masquerade Ball came out this year, I did this. [link]

I actually plan to be doing more with the Masquerade Ball due to the story concept.  However, that document is still current a WIP.  When it's finished though, it'll detail each chorus' setting, plot, characters, etc. and possibly my own personal opinion?  Ahaha...

Vocafusion had about 38 groups. Masquerade Ball has 54.  How masochistic can I get.

I also have plans to document other things.  Perhaps I'll do a document about choruses in general (particularly ones that I enjoy).  Or maybe I'll do a stalker-doc like Myst.  Ahaha... I really do have no life.

It doesn't help that I like documents.  I like formatting them and putting pretty colors in them and making them and just having things laid out all neat in a doc.  I'm weird Ahahaa--

(I also still have to finish putting together that Fanfic document--)

I know and I don't know and I don't care what you know

"You can't feel upset just because you feel upset!"

That's what they said, anyways, but in the end, what more do I have to offer as an explanation?  I feel happy because I feel happy, I feel upset because I feel upset.  I don't know anything more than that.  Sometimes, I don't even know how I feel

"Why don't you know? There's something wrong with you."

I know that already. I know.  I don't need to be told this.  There's something wrong with me.  I tell myself that enough already.  I don't like myself enough already.  I don't care and don't need to know that you don't like me as well.

I hate depression because it's so irrational.  I have no reason to cry, no reason to be upset, but I am.  I get upset because I don't know.  My parents get upset because I don't know.  It's impossible to explain to myself and it's impossible to explain to my parents.  I feel like I'm getting better, little by little, and then it all crumbles down again.  And to my parents, I'm just impossibly weird and stupid.

Blegh

     My mood was fine today, and I thought I'd be able to get through.  I was trying to cook, but then my dad came home and told me I'm too slow and took over.  Then my brother came into my room, saw that I typed "My birthday is in 3 days", and said, "Oh really? I totally forgot!"  I have no idea if he's being sarcastically indifferent or what, but it hurt.

     I actually really don't like my birthday.  Bad shit always happens on my birthday.  I guess it's part of being a bad omen LOL.  For the past couple years, I've been sick on my birthday.  I think it happened even before that, although I was too stupid to notice.  I hope it doesn't happen this year... (although I guess that's what I get for having a birthday during the change of seasons LOL)  Since it's also just after the winter months, it also means I'm usually trying to recover from an depression-induced grade drop.  This year, I have a dentist's appointment on my birthday.  I hate going to the dentist.
     I think I would be more okay with not having things when they're not dangled in front of my face, when I'm not told of all that could've been.  I get told that on my birthday, they're going to take me here and there and I'll get this and that, and it all crumbles away in the end.  Good grief, if I was going to just spend my birthday in my room alone, then I can at least look forward to that without making room for your plans only to be told they were canceled.

     My mood's really bad and the internet is cutting in and out right now.  Woo...

Deadlines

     Deadlines are necessary if we want shit to actually get done.  I found that out when I joined a chorus without due dates.  However, how exactly are deadlines reinforced?  I run by a replacement system, in which anyone who doesn't get lines in on time and did not speak to me about the reasons will be replaced.  When a large mass of people are late, though...
     As a chorus leader, I'm expected to make sure that everyone gets things done on time.  However, how can I make sure lines are done on time if I didn't even do my lines?  My mood has been so low recently... I wonder how people cope with this...  If I try to do my lines now, then I'll probably just start crying.  Not that I haven't cried while doing lines before.  I found that I don't really like singing.  The past songs I've had to do lines for would've been fine (To Living Tomorrow, Pierrot, Outwards and Inwards) because they're ballad-y sad songs.  However, I'm expected to do a more "happy" song this time.  What to do...

Thoughts

     I have a very odd thinking style.  It's similar to the rest of me in that it's contrary.  It's disorganized and organized at the same time.  I have a pretty good memory, but I'm also ditzy and forgetful.  For instance, I forgot to cap my pen, so it has been sitting on my desk for about an hour.  Whoops.
     I'm supposed to be doing my homework assignment, which was to write a circle poem.  For those of you who have never heard of a circle poem before (the majority of you, I assume) (Ohwait, who's "you"? LEE, YOU HAVE READERS? I NEVER KNEW THAT.) it's basically when you take a word, and then write a related word, and then continue on until it's a string of words that are loosely related, but not really.  It's kinda stupid.  Anyways, I'm finding that my thinking style is really too extreme for it.  If I restrict my mind, then I get nothing.  If I try letting my mind loose, I have a chart-jumble-thing on my paper and I'm not exactly sure where the beginning and the end is.  Ahahahaa....
     On another note, me not doing homework means that I'm just basically letting my mind wander, and that's not a good thing.  Mental Me likes to walk to places where she's not supposed to be.  My house's piping is broken, and Mom and I discovered it this morning when we were about to leave the house.  When things like this happen, I tend to blame myself for being bad luck.  A stupid reason, I know, but... I'm still trying to tell myself that it's not true, that I'm not actually bad luck or a bad omen or whatever.  Ahaha... not going so well.
      I also started complaining about other things that happened today in my mind.  However, then my mind turns into a me against me argument, and me always wins.  One side would complain, and the other side would scold bratty!me about reasons why I shouldn't blame other people/things/whatever (and often include why I should blame myself instead).  In the end, I like not interacting with people because talking to people means that I have to listen to myself argue and then pull out the remains and offer it as sacrifice to people.  Not fun.  However, this also means I have problems when faced with a situation that requires interactions with actual people.  It also means I'm usually alone most of the time.  Sometimes, I get lonely.  However, other times, I just want to be alone, but I can't.
     I hate it when there's too much going on.  Things sometimes happen, though.  Like the radio is on, but I'm in the backseat, so I can't hear it properly, and my brother is both screaming and thumping his legs against the chair in front of him, and mom's talking on the phone, and the car is moving.  It's all too much.  And then there's me arguing with me inside.  Yeah.  My family thinks I'm weird, though.
     I tend to dislike blogs and Twitter (and communicating with people) because I sometimes say too much, and then I regret it.  I regret things I do a lot.  Already feeling regret for over half the things in this post already, but I'm forcing myself to post this because I need to let this all out.  I wonder how Eva got over regretting everything, cuz I really need to learn that...

     I've been thinking... I decided to continue blogging because I wanted to know more about myself and be more honest to myself and others.  However, as I continued to delve deeper into myself, I realized that maybe I should've just kept this all hidden.  I've been hiding a lot of things from myself, things that maybe I should've left forgotten and buried.  I'm not sure what to do anymore.  Being honest just seems to hurt me more than it does any good.  Maybe I should try getting rid of all of this regret first...? I'm not sure anymore.

     On a less depressing note, last week was finals week at school!  I did pretty well considering this is my first time experiencing finals week, although I got sick around the beginning of the week... whoops.  On my math final, I ended up getting only an 83.6 or something, but then it turned out that that was the class's highest score.  My teacher curbed it, so it's a 96.  I got the highest in English, too, with a 92, which the teacher curbed the grade to, so I got a 100.  Bio, I got a 89, which ended up being the highest too.  However, the teacher told me that I wasn't supposed to take the finals, so the curb was placed at 86, giving me extra credit. Awyeah~!

Helpless

I apologize, as I'm most likely not making sense at the moment.  There's a lot of emotions in me right now, and not much words.

     Internet relationships, whether friendship or otherwise, lack a lot of things.  However, the things that it lacks the most that I feel like I so desperately need are wordless communication and reassurance.
     That moment where you're unable to communicate your feelings through words properly is the moment where you're at your weakest, because you've rendered yourself useless.  When someone is upset, I can't hug them.  I can't touch them, let them know that I'm here.  Words are actually rather weak.  While they sometimes breach the mental parts of the mind, they rarely ever scratch the emotional portion.  And even so, when its the mental and emotional parts that are in turmoil, the best answer is physical.
    The hardest things to cure are the things that separate you emotionally and physically.  Physically you're fine, but emotionally, it hurts, it hurts so much.   When you just want to break away from the physical plane until your mental or emotional conflict is gone... that's when you need someone to physically be there for you.  It's unfortunate that I can't be that person...
     I live each day not knowing if you're alive or not.  If someone dies, how would I know?  If someone is dangerously injured or ill, how would I know?  I would be none of the wiser...

Stress

     When I was little, my dad was always playing Spider Solitaire in his spare time.  He still does from time to time, by the way.  I didn't get why.  I just thought that he really liked the game.  And he does.  He's pretty into it.  But I didn't really get the depth of why he played it so much.
     Now, I sit here and I open a game of FreeCell.  I play Solitaire, too, and Spider Solitaire, just like Dad.  Things like ceramics, drawing, writing, cards, they've been helping as I try to deal with the stress in my life.  Dad played because the cards helped release stress.
     However, the thing about my family is that, while I am supposed to be a young lady now, so I'm supposed to be more adult-like and whatnot, they still consider me to be a kid.  Because I'm a kid, I'm not allowed to go to a lot of places.  I can't have stress.  Cuz I'm a kid, and kids don't get stress.
     I'd like to remind my readers that there's a difference between "can" and "should".  "Kids aren't supposed to get stress," is different from "Kids can't get stress."  While my parents actively say the former, it often feels like they believe in the latter.  If they weren't so serious about it, too, then I would love to laugh at the absurdity of it.  Kid's can't get stress.  Hah.

Leadership

First, I made a new tag/label/thing.  "happy memories".  I decided that I should keep happy things under a label so that if I want to, I could find them quickly when I need to cheer myself up.

Second, I've been feeling pretty upset lately.  I'm not going to talk about them here cuz this is supposed to be a happy post.  However, there's a few people that have been helping a lot.

I always feel really happy when people mention me in these things, but I never bothered to do this with any of them, so I kept losing them.  This time, I'm keeping this here so that I could look back on it easier rather than having to dig through Twitter tweets.
I met Nana through a Kaoris fic that she did.  In the beginning, I was a bit hesitant.  Meeting people has the possibility of breeding drama, which, while there's always lots of it, I prefer to keep away from myself.  There's already enough shit going on in my life.  However, I'm glad I met her.  As I told her through Twitter DMs,

I see why Kaoru likes being with you guys so much now, though.I can be at my most depressed, the epitome of emo, the droopiest meatsack, that point where everything is shit.And then I tweet at you guys and it's like
Fuck. I can't stop smiling.

 And it's true.  I can't think of better words to explain it than that.

Another thing that happened that I also consider to be kinda happy (or at least not extremely depressing) is this conversation:

[4:46:34 PM] ~PikaPrincess~ Lee*Chao: If say, hypothetically,
[4:47:05 PM] ~PikaPrincess~ Lee*Chao: someone had never been in a chorus before. Never covered a song before. They wouldn't make a good chorus leader, right?
[4:47:24 PM] Kaobro: It really depends on their leading skills.
[4:47:49 PM] Kaobro: Some people are just naturally better at leading than others are, experienced or not.
[4:48:03 PM] Kaobro: Of course, an experienced chorus leader is good, but it just really depends on the person.
[4:48:06 PM] Kaobro: If that makes any sense.

      This issue has been bothering me for a long time by now. I really don't feel like I'm any good as KPC's leader.  I lack a buttload of experience.
     However, I guess... Kaoru's words gave me a little bit of hope.  Even though there's a really obvious flaw in there (can you see it? Hint: It has to do with a quality that I do not possess), I somehow feel better seeing it.  I'm not really sure either.