The reactions are rather disconcerting when people realize I write fanfiction for this community. It ranges from "...That sounds horrifying..." to "Woah, there are FANFICS?!" to "Sweet. //goes to read". I get a lot of the first reaction, although it's often indirect. It kind of stings. I don't do much singing in the community. I don't draw, animate, or mix. My niche in the community is writing my fanfics. When a good majority of people don't even realize I write, or they look upon my writing in disdain, it hurts.
I understand that fanfiction writing is sometimes frowned upon. It's considered even more repulsive to write fanfictions involving real life people. However, I was granted permission by these people. In fact, they seem to enjoy reading my writing. Even so, it hurts when people still look at me like that. These fanfics are my sole contribution to the community. This might seem rather odd. In a community of singers, mixers, animators, and a few artists, there's me. A writer. I'm no good for anything other than writing. And I often feel like an outsider in the community because of it. Perhaps I'm just being insecure or something?
I'm not good with writing lyrics. Translyric-writing means I would have to confine my words to a set number of syllables. My feelings are confined to this song in front of me. I can't do that. I'm not proud of my voice. I'm no good even with talking, much less singing. My pronunciation is shit, I sometimes just drop to a monotone, and I just feel worse after recording lines than I did before. I'm not at the point with art where I can consider myself to be any good at all. The only thing I have is my writing. My family acknowledge my writing. My aunt tried to find a career involving writing for me. All my life, it's been my writing that has gotten me to where I am.
I tend to have feelings of uselessness, of worthlessness and low self-esteem. These stem from many things. This is one of those things. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not proud of my singing or my art. I can't animate with the computer I have currently. Writing is all that I have that I'm semi-proud of. However, I do like the people in the Youtube utaite community. I like the music and art, even if I cannot be a part of it. I've seen artists and mixers and sometimes even animators complain about how they don't do anything in the community. That's a lie. I feel like I'm teetering, about to topple over into the territory of utter uselessness. It's been even worse lately due to my on-and-off erratic inspiration. I'm not sure what to do.
Please excuse the shit grammar and rambling-style. Then again, if you have been reading my other posts, then you'd already have seen plenty of this. Ahaha~
Don't feel alarmed or pressured by this comment or anything, please LOL.
ReplyDeleteI really just wanted to point out that.. from what I've observed of the youtaite community (not very credible since I'm pretty new and somewhat consider myself a bit of an outsider too in the way that I don't share the same interest in vocaloid), it seems that this has become the kind of community where you're not really expected to contribute to be a part of it. There are a lot of people that make friends but either unknowingly or purposely turn a blind eye against these people's abilities/contributions, and don't become biased from them.
I don't know. Like I feel like in this certain community, it's enough just for you to be there, and you will be accepted just as a person. There isn't really an obligation to be that involved, unless you really want to be. Either way, I don't think you're useless and please don't put yourself down just because "all you can do" is write ;P