Selfhate

(Is that even proper English?)

     I know I stated that I'd try to be more honest, but the more I try, the more I realized something: How much I hate myself.  It's hard being honest when you can't take reality, when you can't take yourself.  How can I show my true self to other people when even I don't want to see my true self?  I knew I had trouble dealing with the truth sometimes, but it didn't really hit me until Nozomu started tweeting about some things and... Just, bluh.
     I can't take myself.  I'll say something, and then I'll take it back, because I felt that it was stupid and that I'm being stupid.  I can't even look at myself.  I hate mirrors.  I hate how I sound.  I hate recording lines because I hate how I sound.  I just... I can't take myself.
     I also found out why I dislike people.   I dislike people because of other people's memories.  People tend to remember the bad things the most.  I don't blame them for it, but it doesn't mean I like it.  With how I am, I'm not a memorable person.  However, I'm afraid to do wrong because I know people will remember that.  Even if only one person notices it, they'll tell others, and it'll spread.  If people aren't going to remember me because I'm a person, then I'd rather not be remembered at all.
     I like writing because there's not a lot of me in there.  Those characters are not me, and this place is not reality.  People read it, and they'll usually remember it because of those characters, and not me.  They read it, and they read about these characters, they read about this place, and I'm not there.  It makes me happy.  Because in a way, I'm being remembered, but not really.