I apologize, as I'm most likely not making sense at the moment. There's a lot of emotions in me right now, and not much words.
Internet relationships, whether friendship or otherwise, lack a lot of things. However, the things that it lacks the most that I feel like I so desperately need are wordless communication and reassurance.
That moment where you're unable to communicate your feelings through
words properly is the moment where you're at your weakest, because
you've rendered yourself useless. When someone is upset, I can't hug them. I can't touch them, let them know that I'm here. Words are actually rather weak. While they sometimes breach the mental parts of the mind, they rarely ever scratch the emotional portion. And even so, when its the mental and emotional parts that are in turmoil, the best answer is physical.
The hardest things to cure are the things that separate you emotionally and physically. Physically you're fine, but emotionally, it hurts, it hurts so much. When you just want to break away from the physical plane until your mental or emotional conflict is gone... that's when you need someone to physically be there for you. It's unfortunate that I can't be that person...
I live each day not knowing if you're alive or not. If someone dies, how would I know? If someone is dangerously injured or ill, how would I know? I would be none of the wiser...
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Stress
When I was little, my dad was always playing Spider Solitaire in his spare time. He still does from time to time, by the way. I didn't get why. I just thought that he really liked the game. And he does. He's pretty into it. But I didn't really get the depth of why he played it so much.
Now, I sit here and I open a game of FreeCell. I play Solitaire, too, and Spider Solitaire, just like Dad. Things like ceramics, drawing, writing, cards, they've been helping as I try to deal with the stress in my life. Dad played because the cards helped release stress.
However, the thing about my family is that, while I am supposed to be a young lady now, so I'm supposed to be more adult-like and whatnot, they still consider me to be a kid. Because I'm a kid, I'm not allowed to go to a lot of places. I can't have stress. Cuz I'm a kid, and kids don't get stress.
I'd like to remind my readers that there's a difference between "can" and "should". "Kids aren't supposed to get stress," is different from "Kids can't get stress." While my parents actively say the former, it often feels like they believe in the latter. If they weren't so serious about it, too, then I would love to laugh at the absurdity of it. Kid's can't get stress. Hah.
Now, I sit here and I open a game of FreeCell. I play Solitaire, too, and Spider Solitaire, just like Dad. Things like ceramics, drawing, writing, cards, they've been helping as I try to deal with the stress in my life. Dad played because the cards helped release stress.
However, the thing about my family is that, while I am supposed to be a young lady now, so I'm supposed to be more adult-like and whatnot, they still consider me to be a kid. Because I'm a kid, I'm not allowed to go to a lot of places. I can't have stress. Cuz I'm a kid, and kids don't get stress.
I'd like to remind my readers that there's a difference between "can" and "should". "Kids aren't supposed to get stress," is different from "Kids can't get stress." While my parents actively say the former, it often feels like they believe in the latter. If they weren't so serious about it, too, then I would love to laugh at the absurdity of it. Kid's can't get stress. Hah.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Leadership
First, I made a new tag/label/thing. "happy memories". I decided that I should keep happy things under a label so that if I want to, I could find them quickly when I need to cheer myself up.
Second, I've been feeling pretty upset lately. I'm not going to talk about them here cuz this is supposed to be a happy post. However, there's a few people that have been helping a lot.
I always feel really happy when people mention me in these things, but I never bothered to do this with any of them, so I kept losing them. This time, I'm keeping this here so that I could look back on it easier rather than having to dig through Twitter tweets.
I met Nana through a Kaoris fic that she did. In the beginning, I was a bit hesitant. Meeting people has the possibility of breeding drama, which, while there's always lots of it, I prefer to keep away from myself. There's already enough shit going on in my life. However, I'm glad I met her. As I told her through Twitter DMs,
Another thing that happened that I also consider to be kinda happy (or at least not extremely depressing) is this conversation:
[4:46:34 PM] ~PikaPrincess~ Lee*Chao: If say, hypothetically,
[4:47:05 PM] ~PikaPrincess~ Lee*Chao: someone had never been in a chorus before. Never covered a song before. They wouldn't make a good chorus leader, right?
[4:47:24 PM] Kaobro: It really depends on their leading skills.
[4:47:49 PM] Kaobro: Some people are just naturally better at leading than others are, experienced or not.
[4:48:03 PM] Kaobro: Of course, an experienced chorus leader is good, but it just really depends on the person.
[4:48:06 PM] Kaobro: If that makes any sense.
This issue has been bothering me for a long time by now. I really don't feel like I'm any good as KPC's leader. I lack a buttload of experience.
However, I guess... Kaoru's words gave me a little bit of hope. Even though there's a really obvious flaw in there (can you see it? Hint: It has to do with a quality that I do not possess), I somehow feel better seeing it. I'm not really sure either.
Second, I've been feeling pretty upset lately. I'm not going to talk about them here cuz this is supposed to be a happy post. However, there's a few people that have been helping a lot.
I met Nana through a Kaoris fic that she did. In the beginning, I was a bit hesitant. Meeting people has the possibility of breeding drama, which, while there's always lots of it, I prefer to keep away from myself. There's already enough shit going on in my life. However, I'm glad I met her. As I told her through Twitter DMs,
I see why Kaoru likes being with you guys so much now, though.I can be at my most depressed, the epitome of emo, the droopiest meatsack, that point where everything is shit.And then I tweet at you guys and it's likeAnd it's true. I can't think of better words to explain it than that.
Fuck. I can't stop smiling.
Another thing that happened that I also consider to be kinda happy (or at least not extremely depressing) is this conversation:
[4:46:34 PM] ~PikaPrincess~ Lee*Chao: If say, hypothetically,
[4:47:05 PM] ~PikaPrincess~ Lee*Chao: someone had never been in a chorus before. Never covered a song before. They wouldn't make a good chorus leader, right?
[4:47:24 PM] Kaobro: It really depends on their leading skills.
[4:47:49 PM] Kaobro: Some people are just naturally better at leading than others are, experienced or not.
[4:48:03 PM] Kaobro: Of course, an experienced chorus leader is good, but it just really depends on the person.
[4:48:06 PM] Kaobro: If that makes any sense.
This issue has been bothering me for a long time by now. I really don't feel like I'm any good as KPC's leader. I lack a buttload of experience.
However, I guess... Kaoru's words gave me a little bit of hope. Even though there's a really obvious flaw in there (can you see it? Hint: It has to do with a quality that I do not possess), I somehow feel better seeing it. I'm not really sure either.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Frustrating feelings
Nothing fancy for the title today. I swear, the most frustrating thing has to be when feelings suddenly weigh you down, and you have no clue why the fuck they're there. It might be okay for happiness. You'll get a few looks from people, some "Why the hell are you so happy today?", but they're all okay with it. Getting upset, however, is another story.
"Why are you so mad?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know?!"
"What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"Why are you crying? You need to tell us! If you don't tell us why you're sad, we won't know! We're not mind-readers, y'know. We don't know why you're upset."
"I don't know either."
"Then you have a problem."
Yup. And it's honestly frustrating. I want to know why the hell things are the way they are just as much as anyone else does. I honestly don't want to feel upset, don't want to be pissed, but welp. It just seems like it's my fault.
Like "You don't know why you feel like this? WHY DON'T YOU KNOW?".
I'm tired of dealing with both of them, the feelings and the reactions of the people around me to those goddamn things. Just fuck it all.
::EDIT::
Y'know what's just as annoying as fucking feelings? Myself.
I fucking cry when I get mad. I have no clue why, but fuck.
And so I get mad at myself for crying. And y'know what happens?
I CRY SOME MORE.
Godfuckingdammit.
Just fuck it all.
"Why are you so mad?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know?!"
"What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"Why are you crying? You need to tell us! If you don't tell us why you're sad, we won't know! We're not mind-readers, y'know. We don't know why you're upset."
"I don't know either."
"Then you have a problem."
Yup. And it's honestly frustrating. I want to know why the hell things are the way they are just as much as anyone else does. I honestly don't want to feel upset, don't want to be pissed, but welp. It just seems like it's my fault.
Like "You don't know why you feel like this? WHY DON'T YOU KNOW?".
I'm tired of dealing with both of them, the feelings and the reactions of the people around me to those goddamn things. Just fuck it all.
::EDIT::
Y'know what's just as annoying as fucking feelings? Myself.
I fucking cry when I get mad. I have no clue why, but fuck.
And so I get mad at myself for crying. And y'know what happens?
I CRY SOME MORE.
Godfuckingdammit.
Just fuck it all.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Selfhate
(Is that even proper English?)
I know I stated that I'd try to be more honest, but the more I try, the more I realized something: How much I hate myself. It's hard being honest when you can't take reality, when you can't take yourself. How can I show my true self to other people when even I don't want to see my true self? I knew I had trouble dealing with the truth sometimes, but it didn't really hit me until Nozomu started tweeting about some things and... Just, bluh.
I can't take myself. I'll say something, and then I'll take it back, because I felt that it was stupid and that I'm being stupid. I can't even look at myself. I hate mirrors. I hate how I sound. I hate recording lines because I hate how I sound. I just... I can't take myself.
I also found out why I dislike people. I dislike people because of other people's memories. People tend to remember the bad things the most. I don't blame them for it, but it doesn't mean I like it. With how I am, I'm not a memorable person. However, I'm afraid to do wrong because I know people will remember that. Even if only one person notices it, they'll tell others, and it'll spread. If people aren't going to remember me because I'm a person, then I'd rather not be remembered at all.
I like writing because there's not a lot of me in there. Those characters are not me, and this place is not reality. People read it, and they'll usually remember it because of those characters, and not me. They read it, and they read about these characters, they read about this place, and I'm not there. It makes me happy. Because in a way, I'm being remembered, but not really.
I know I stated that I'd try to be more honest, but the more I try, the more I realized something: How much I hate myself. It's hard being honest when you can't take reality, when you can't take yourself. How can I show my true self to other people when even I don't want to see my true self? I knew I had trouble dealing with the truth sometimes, but it didn't really hit me until Nozomu started tweeting about some things and... Just, bluh.
I can't take myself. I'll say something, and then I'll take it back, because I felt that it was stupid and that I'm being stupid. I can't even look at myself. I hate mirrors. I hate how I sound. I hate recording lines because I hate how I sound. I just... I can't take myself.
I also found out why I dislike people. I dislike people because of other people's memories. People tend to remember the bad things the most. I don't blame them for it, but it doesn't mean I like it. With how I am, I'm not a memorable person. However, I'm afraid to do wrong because I know people will remember that. Even if only one person notices it, they'll tell others, and it'll spread. If people aren't going to remember me because I'm a person, then I'd rather not be remembered at all.
I like writing because there's not a lot of me in there. Those characters are not me, and this place is not reality. People read it, and they'll usually remember it because of those characters, and not me. They read it, and they read about these characters, they read about this place, and I'm not there. It makes me happy. Because in a way, I'm being remembered, but not really.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Writing in a Country of Song
The reactions are rather disconcerting when people realize I write fanfiction for this community. It ranges from "...That sounds horrifying..." to "Woah, there are FANFICS?!" to "Sweet. //goes to read". I get a lot of the first reaction, although it's often indirect. It kind of stings. I don't do much singing in the community. I don't draw, animate, or mix. My niche in the community is writing my fanfics. When a good majority of people don't even realize I write, or they look upon my writing in disdain, it hurts.
I understand that fanfiction writing is sometimes frowned upon. It's considered even more repulsive to write fanfictions involving real life people. However, I was granted permission by these people. In fact, they seem to enjoy reading my writing. Even so, it hurts when people still look at me like that. These fanfics are my sole contribution to the community. This might seem rather odd. In a community of singers, mixers, animators, and a few artists, there's me. A writer. I'm no good for anything other than writing. And I often feel like an outsider in the community because of it. Perhaps I'm just being insecure or something?
I'm not good with writing lyrics. Translyric-writing means I would have to confine my words to a set number of syllables. My feelings are confined to this song in front of me. I can't do that. I'm not proud of my voice. I'm no good even with talking, much less singing. My pronunciation is shit, I sometimes just drop to a monotone, and I just feel worse after recording lines than I did before. I'm not at the point with art where I can consider myself to be any good at all. The only thing I have is my writing. My family acknowledge my writing. My aunt tried to find a career involving writing for me. All my life, it's been my writing that has gotten me to where I am.
I tend to have feelings of uselessness, of worthlessness and low self-esteem. These stem from many things. This is one of those things. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not proud of my singing or my art. I can't animate with the computer I have currently. Writing is all that I have that I'm semi-proud of. However, I do like the people in the Youtube utaite community. I like the music and art, even if I cannot be a part of it. I've seen artists and mixers and sometimes even animators complain about how they don't do anything in the community. That's a lie. I feel like I'm teetering, about to topple over into the territory of utter uselessness. It's been even worse lately due to my on-and-off erratic inspiration. I'm not sure what to do.
Please excuse the shit grammar and rambling-style. Then again, if you have been reading my other posts, then you'd already have seen plenty of this. Ahaha~
I understand that fanfiction writing is sometimes frowned upon. It's considered even more repulsive to write fanfictions involving real life people. However, I was granted permission by these people. In fact, they seem to enjoy reading my writing. Even so, it hurts when people still look at me like that. These fanfics are my sole contribution to the community. This might seem rather odd. In a community of singers, mixers, animators, and a few artists, there's me. A writer. I'm no good for anything other than writing. And I often feel like an outsider in the community because of it. Perhaps I'm just being insecure or something?
I'm not good with writing lyrics. Translyric-writing means I would have to confine my words to a set number of syllables. My feelings are confined to this song in front of me. I can't do that. I'm not proud of my voice. I'm no good even with talking, much less singing. My pronunciation is shit, I sometimes just drop to a monotone, and I just feel worse after recording lines than I did before. I'm not at the point with art where I can consider myself to be any good at all. The only thing I have is my writing. My family acknowledge my writing. My aunt tried to find a career involving writing for me. All my life, it's been my writing that has gotten me to where I am.
I tend to have feelings of uselessness, of worthlessness and low self-esteem. These stem from many things. This is one of those things. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not proud of my singing or my art. I can't animate with the computer I have currently. Writing is all that I have that I'm semi-proud of. However, I do like the people in the Youtube utaite community. I like the music and art, even if I cannot be a part of it. I've seen artists and mixers and sometimes even animators complain about how they don't do anything in the community. That's a lie. I feel like I'm teetering, about to topple over into the territory of utter uselessness. It's been even worse lately due to my on-and-off erratic inspiration. I'm not sure what to do.
Please excuse the shit grammar and rambling-style. Then again, if you have been reading my other posts, then you'd already have seen plenty of this. Ahaha~
First TL Responses Post!
Alright so I'm making a new tag/label/thing called TL Responses. It's gonna be a thing where I talk about my views on what's going on on my TL since I'm too chicken to actually say anything on Twitter.
So the first thing I wanted to talk about is Kori. I'mma do a more in-depth thing involving Kori later, since my feels for that boy cannot be contained. I look up to him. A lot. And currently he's on Twitter being a 'tard because he doesn't like his voice. I personally really like his voice and personality and talking to him. I find it admirable that despite his health and other people's opinions on him and other xit, he managed to rise up there. Plus, his take on feelings and stuff is refreshing, and he basically acts like the older brother figure to me. Of course, I'm taking a chance in that he might or might not see it, depending on how the few people who read this blog take it. I'm hoping anyways that none of you guys will show this to him cuz holycrap. I was also at his live once, and I seriously had to find someone to spazz to cuz holyshit this boi.
Nami and Miyu mentioned wanting to be an mysterious figure in the community, someone with walls all around them and no one knows much about them. As childish as it sounds, I guess I'm also trying for that... I'd have to say I might've been somewhat successful? in that a lot of people tell me that the only things they know about me is that I favorite tweets on Twitter. They've made up quite a few theories about me on Twitter, too, about why I favorite tweets and don't say much. Things relating me to Satan, to the government, to a secret conspiracy in which I plot to take over the world or something. It's rather amusing, really.
So the first thing I wanted to talk about is Kori. I'mma do a more in-depth thing involving Kori later, since my feels for that boy cannot be contained. I look up to him. A lot. And currently he's on Twitter being a 'tard because he doesn't like his voice. I personally really like his voice and personality and talking to him. I find it admirable that despite his health and other people's opinions on him and other xit, he managed to rise up there. Plus, his take on feelings and stuff is refreshing, and he basically acts like the older brother figure to me. Of course, I'm taking a chance in that he might or might not see it, depending on how the few people who read this blog take it. I'm hoping anyways that none of you guys will show this to him cuz holycrap. I was also at his live once, and I seriously had to find someone to spazz to cuz holyshit this boi.
Nami and Miyu mentioned wanting to be an mysterious figure in the community, someone with walls all around them and no one knows much about them. As childish as it sounds, I guess I'm also trying for that... I'd have to say I might've been somewhat successful? in that a lot of people tell me that the only things they know about me is that I favorite tweets on Twitter. They've made up quite a few theories about me on Twitter, too, about why I favorite tweets and don't say much. Things relating me to Satan, to the government, to a secret conspiracy in which I plot to take over the world or something. It's rather amusing, really.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Relationships (cont.)
I went out grocery shopping with my parents today and found a magazine about human psychology. There was an article about sex in there that peaked my interest. That, combined with my current TL, got me thinking. And I should most likely be cleaning my room instead of writing this, but FEELS.
The article stated that humans find sex, kissing, and kinks appealing due to the acts being considered a turn-on or a turn-off depending on who you're doing it with. The fact that two people can love each other enough to do something so disgusting together is considered romantic. The fact that you can be into something that you yourself consider is completely revolting when compared to "normality", and the other person might possibly reciprocate your affections, gives you a sense of belonging. After all, there's a lot of people that, in their search for love, are looking for the feelings of belonging and security. That makes sense, I suppose.
Those who have read my fanfics might note that I'm not particularly detailed when it comes to things like kissing and sex. This is not just due to lack of experience (although a part of it probably stems from that, yes.) I have stated in the previous post about relationships that I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship yet. This includes the appeal of physical affection. Sometimes, I find it okay. However, I'm not ready to be with other people on that close of a level yet. That's just how I am. I will say, though, that I have been kissed before. With tongue. It's not the best of memories. As long as I don't delve too far into the mechanics of kissing when writing it, I'm fine.
The article stated that humans find sex, kissing, and kinks appealing due to the acts being considered a turn-on or a turn-off depending on who you're doing it with. The fact that two people can love each other enough to do something so disgusting together is considered romantic. The fact that you can be into something that you yourself consider is completely revolting when compared to "normality", and the other person might possibly reciprocate your affections, gives you a sense of belonging. After all, there's a lot of people that, in their search for love, are looking for the feelings of belonging and security. That makes sense, I suppose.
Those who have read my fanfics might note that I'm not particularly detailed when it comes to things like kissing and sex. This is not just due to lack of experience (although a part of it probably stems from that, yes.) I have stated in the previous post about relationships that I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship yet. This includes the appeal of physical affection. Sometimes, I find it okay. However, I'm not ready to be with other people on that close of a level yet. That's just how I am. I will say, though, that I have been kissed before. With tongue. It's not the best of memories. As long as I don't delve too far into the mechanics of kissing when writing it, I'm fine.
Relationships
This blog might or might not be inspired by Eva's blog post, although people that I talk to a lot would know that this has been on my mind for a while and that this is just how I am. Also, what is grammar. //sob
In my personal opinion, love's not something you want to rush. We're all ready for it at different paces and we're all looking for different things when it comes to love. Just because your best friend is in a relationship doesn't mean that you need to go out and find a guy, too. There's millions of people in this world. Someday, you'll find someone meant for you. Getting a boyfriend is meaningless if you get one just to show off and the two of you don't actually get along.
It's not necessary to put an age on which it's okay to start dating. In fact, I don't advise that. This age is different in everyone. Setting a barrier like that does one no good at all. However, I must also mention that the younger you are, the easier it is to get mixed up between crushes and actual love. I know I did when I was a kid. A friend is also going through a period where she's discovering the emotions inside her that allow her to have crushes. However, unlike my shy kid-self, she's a bit more bold than I am. I regret being unable to do much as I watch her go through boyfriend after boyfriend, dumping them once the crush wears off. However, I really can't do much, as I'm not able to make her realize a thing. She has to realize it on her own.
I recall once, after kungfu was over, a fellow student's mom was talking to the teacher. The student is a girl just a year younger than me.
The teacher said, "Well, it's okay. [Lee] doesn't have a boyfriend, yet, either."
The lady turned to me and exclaimed, "Well, 12 is too young to have a boyfriend!"
...What. Just, what. I politely told her that I'm not 12.
"Well, then why don't you have a boyfriend yet?"
What. Okay, what.
As for my own personal love life? I'm not ready for it yet. At the moment, I am completely certain that I am not ready for a relationship. I'm still too emotionally and physically immature to think about those kinds of things. With how I am, adding love into the equation's just going to make things more emotionally confusing and conflicting for me, and I don't need that extra weight at the moment. Furthermore, my dad has stated that he's not comfortable with me dating until I'm done with my education. And that's fine with me. I can focus on my education without another distraction. Plus, once I'm done with my education and finally in the working world, I'll be able to lend support into a relationship if necessary. Not sure what my mom thinks.
In my personal opinion, love's not something you want to rush. We're all ready for it at different paces and we're all looking for different things when it comes to love. Just because your best friend is in a relationship doesn't mean that you need to go out and find a guy, too. There's millions of people in this world. Someday, you'll find someone meant for you. Getting a boyfriend is meaningless if you get one just to show off and the two of you don't actually get along.
It's not necessary to put an age on which it's okay to start dating. In fact, I don't advise that. This age is different in everyone. Setting a barrier like that does one no good at all. However, I must also mention that the younger you are, the easier it is to get mixed up between crushes and actual love. I know I did when I was a kid. A friend is also going through a period where she's discovering the emotions inside her that allow her to have crushes. However, unlike my shy kid-self, she's a bit more bold than I am. I regret being unable to do much as I watch her go through boyfriend after boyfriend, dumping them once the crush wears off. However, I really can't do much, as I'm not able to make her realize a thing. She has to realize it on her own.
I recall once, after kungfu was over, a fellow student's mom was talking to the teacher. The student is a girl just a year younger than me.
The teacher said, "Well, it's okay. [Lee] doesn't have a boyfriend, yet, either."
The lady turned to me and exclaimed, "Well, 12 is too young to have a boyfriend!"
...What. Just, what. I politely told her that I'm not 12.
"Well, then why don't you have a boyfriend yet?"
What. Okay, what.
As for my own personal love life? I'm not ready for it yet. At the moment, I am completely certain that I am not ready for a relationship. I'm still too emotionally and physically immature to think about those kinds of things. With how I am, adding love into the equation's just going to make things more emotionally confusing and conflicting for me, and I don't need that extra weight at the moment. Furthermore, my dad has stated that he's not comfortable with me dating until I'm done with my education. And that's fine with me. I can focus on my education without another distraction. Plus, once I'm done with my education and finally in the working world, I'll be able to lend support into a relationship if necessary. Not sure what my mom thinks.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Thanksgiving Meal
I just noticed that I never tweeted about the actual Thanksgiving meal. Ahahaha orz
This was the first Thanksgiving where my family actually cooked a turkey! Thanksgiving also turned out to be a good day for feelings because 1) Food. jkjk but it was a pretty happy day compared to the day before and after. 2) I had an excuse to cry >w<
So, I helped with the cooking! The turkey was pretty good considering it was our first time. The others in the family pointed out that it was a bit dry, though. They ended up eating most of it anyways. Dad also brought over cider! We had four flavors: Apple, Pomegranate, Peach, and Blueberry. We also did mashed potatoes, gravy, and corn.
I realize now that I should've done this waaay back then, cuz then I would've also remembered and screencapped who tweeted that they were thankful for meeting me, cuz holyshit that made me cry. I remember Lollia did. I think Abby and Celest did too? Not entirely sure.
I also totally did not rewatch KPC's bouquet and cried some more. Nope, nope, totally not. Maybe.
This was the first Thanksgiving where my family actually cooked a turkey! Thanksgiving also turned out to be a good day for feelings because 1) Food. jkjk but it was a pretty happy day compared to the day before and after. 2) I had an excuse to cry >w<
So, I helped with the cooking! The turkey was pretty good considering it was our first time. The others in the family pointed out that it was a bit dry, though. They ended up eating most of it anyways. Dad also brought over cider! We had four flavors: Apple, Pomegranate, Peach, and Blueberry. We also did mashed potatoes, gravy, and corn.
I realize now that I should've done this waaay back then, cuz then I would've also remembered and screencapped who tweeted that they were thankful for meeting me, cuz holyshit that made me cry. I remember Lollia did. I think Abby and Celest did too? Not entirely sure.
I also totally did not rewatch KPC's bouquet and cried some more. Nope, nope, totally not. Maybe.
 |
| The Cider |
 |
| The Turkey |
Words
The thing about internet relationships is that they can't really be built on physical things. You can't physically hug and kiss someone over the internet. Instead, relationships tend to be built on words. The words that you say and type mean a lot to other people. Sure, you can type things like "//hug", but repeating that gets old after so long.
That's why I try my best when it comes to word choices. In the end, the words that I choose to use means a lot in whether I come off as intimidating, nice, mean, whatever. It's also why the hardest thing for me is not knowing what to say. When I can't say anything because the other person doesn't want me to know why they're hurting or because it would reveal too much information on my end, it hurts. A lot. I want to say something, I truly do. Even if they're far away, if I feel that they're hurting, then I hurt too.
I don't like secrets. Which is kinda weird, considering how secretive I am. Or, at the very least, there's a lot that I don't like saying aloud. However, the thing about secrets is that it feeds my paranoia. I read over things that I say carefully, trying to see if there is a hint that the secret could be found. And in the end, secrets prohibit me even more in my words. And with how I am and how internet relations are, further limitations in speech are a bad thing.
I'm incredibly paranoid and insecure. It's hard for me to talk because I constantly go over what I say. Are my word choices right? Do I come off as too mean or condescending? How much information regarding myself am I showing? Will the other person take offense to my words? Am I comfortable with showing this much information? How will I be seen to others? Am I saying so much that it's annoying?
I guess that's why I'm not good with Twitter. With Twitter, it's not just the reaction of one person that I have to worry about. It's every person that's following me, every person that might possibly take a look at my Twitter. Therefore, I have difficulty talking with Twitter. Blogging is also difficult. Sometimes, I see it as an honesty issue. Hiding the truth, or something. However, blogging isn't necessarily as difficult as tweeting because there's less of an obligation with having to see my blogposts over having to see my tweets. Maybe someday, I'll be able to get over these things.
As for why I'm talking about this? A friend is hurting right now. I wish to comfort them, but I'm not exactly sure how. They're keeping a secret that a mutual friend of ours has told me without their knowledge. I actually don't care about the contents of the secret, but they take it seriously. They're not willing to open up to me, but I still wish to comfort them somehow. I'm not sure what to do...
That's why I try my best when it comes to word choices. In the end, the words that I choose to use means a lot in whether I come off as intimidating, nice, mean, whatever. It's also why the hardest thing for me is not knowing what to say. When I can't say anything because the other person doesn't want me to know why they're hurting or because it would reveal too much information on my end, it hurts. A lot. I want to say something, I truly do. Even if they're far away, if I feel that they're hurting, then I hurt too.
I don't like secrets. Which is kinda weird, considering how secretive I am. Or, at the very least, there's a lot that I don't like saying aloud. However, the thing about secrets is that it feeds my paranoia. I read over things that I say carefully, trying to see if there is a hint that the secret could be found. And in the end, secrets prohibit me even more in my words. And with how I am and how internet relations are, further limitations in speech are a bad thing.
I'm incredibly paranoid and insecure. It's hard for me to talk because I constantly go over what I say. Are my word choices right? Do I come off as too mean or condescending? How much information regarding myself am I showing? Will the other person take offense to my words? Am I comfortable with showing this much information? How will I be seen to others? Am I saying so much that it's annoying?
I guess that's why I'm not good with Twitter. With Twitter, it's not just the reaction of one person that I have to worry about. It's every person that's following me, every person that might possibly take a look at my Twitter. Therefore, I have difficulty talking with Twitter. Blogging is also difficult. Sometimes, I see it as an honesty issue. Hiding the truth, or something. However, blogging isn't necessarily as difficult as tweeting because there's less of an obligation with having to see my blogposts over having to see my tweets. Maybe someday, I'll be able to get over these things.
As for why I'm talking about this? A friend is hurting right now. I wish to comfort them, but I'm not exactly sure how. They're keeping a secret that a mutual friend of ours has told me without their knowledge. I actually don't care about the contents of the secret, but they take it seriously. They're not willing to open up to me, but I still wish to comfort them somehow. I'm not sure what to do...
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