Responsibility

I find it extremely ironic that Eva wrote a blogpost about avoiding responsibility for a bit when all day today, I have been doubting my own sense of responsibility.

I overslept this morning.  I'm not exactly sure about what happened; I either slept through the alarm, or forgot to set the alarm.  Either way, I woke up at 8:10am.  Class starts at 8:20am, and it takes 10 minutes to get to school.  There was no way I was making it on time.

Big deal, right? Yeaaah- no.  I also have to wake up my mom and my brother in the morning.  Furthermore, I was desperately trying not to get tardies this year to show my parents that I can in fact be responsible and a good student and all that.  And it feels like it just crumbled to pieces this morning as I sat in the car and listened to mom yell at me.

All day long, it felt like everyone's been rubbing it in on me.  In class, the teacher talked about how it's good to wake up early.  Responsibility is important.  My mom keeps mentioning it over and over again.  It's like I can't get away from it.

It feels like my parents have lost all faith they had in me.  I used to be a good student, other than my tardies.  Then, last year happened.  I'm not entirely sure what came over me, except that it was something.  I just lost all will to do well.  It was like something in my brain told me, "You're stupid, you're ugly, you're going to go nowhere in life. Why do you try?"  And so I stopped trying.  And now my parents think I'm just stupid.

It's not just academically that they don't trust me.  As I said before, they don't trust me in other places, too, like the kitchen.  I'm still not allowed to have a set of house keys even though my younger brother was allowed to (and lost them.  I think there's another reason why my mom doubts me.)

Sometimes, I feel like they're right.  I'm slow, I'm dim-witted, I'm stupid, I'm irresponsible.  Why am I even allowed to be alive?  What's the point in my existence?  I'm the worst thing in existence.  Why do I even bother?

I know this sounds like I'm just making a big deal out of oversleeping, but it's a big deal to me.  ...yeah, I'm sure noone cares. ahaha.