Thanksgiving

Happy Turkey Day to all of the Americans that read my blog.  (I gotta learn when Thanksgiving is for other countries too...)

I don't know if anyone noticed, but I don't necessarily do things like tagging people in tweets or status updates or whatever that I'm thankful for.  I don't because I'm most likely going to forget some people.  And I know how it feels to be forgotten.  It hurts.  A lot.

However, I think I'm going to do something afterall.  I need to show that I'm thankful for those in my life.  So, I'm going to try my best to write them here, and if I forget any, I'll add them on later and hopefully they won't be too mad ;w; And to those, if I forget, then I'm really really sorry.

I'm thankful for my family, who has raised me all these years.  They made a few mistakes, but hey, we're all human.  I'm still alive and I'm still breathing, right?  So they're doing it fine.  I'm properly fed and I'm living under a roof.  This year, they even allowed me to help cook a turkey, which is a first for this family.  Ahahaha we'll see how my family's first turkey turns out later on.

I'm thankful for mommy, who gave birth to me.

For daddy, who works his ass off so that I can have food, shelter, electricity, and everything else I need.

For my aunt, who helped me with the turkey and helped me with a lot of other things that I can try naming, but will inevitably fail.  Homework, career goal, clothes, food, hair... Basically, taking care of my needs when mom and dad don't feel like it.

For my grandparents, who try their best to take care of me, albeit their methods being a bit old-fashioned.  To grandma, who cooks really nice meals and bathed me when I was just born.  To my grandpa, who insists on me having good grades and gets really mad when I don't take care of myself.

To my uncle, who brought over chicken just in case I screw up the turkey and let me help out in his store when he had a store, which taught me a lot.  He also took me out to places to eat, since he knows I don't normally go out.

To my other uncle, who is stuck out there in Utah, but still loves us anyways <3 And treats me like I was his own daughter.

To all of my other relatives out there, since there are too many to name.  Some are stricter than others about how I am, but they all still care about me (well, most of them).

I'm thankful for my friends, even those aren't that nice to me or were outright mean to me, because they made me who I am.  I learned from those that decided they didn't want to be my friend anymore, and those that stuck with me.  To any of them who are reading this, Thank you for putting up with me <3 I love you all.  To those that are still here with me, let's make some more memories together, kay?

I'm thankful for Katherine D./KD/Kat, who is no longer in the same school as me, but has stuck by me since 1st grade.  I'm sure I was really embarrassing to be with at times, and that I wasn't the best friend, but you were still there will me.  You taught me a lot.  About life, about behaviors.  You were always one step ahead of me in the maturing process.  But in a way, that helped, since I had a model.  You always believed in me, though, and for that, thank you.  You also dragged me into the world of Vocaloid, which you might regret at the moment, but it helped me meet people that I wouldn't have met otherwise.

For Sean'nell S./SS/Iggy, who... hasn't been in the same school as me, but we still keep in touch.  You dragged me into many worlds, including anime in general, Hetalia, and now you're trying to drag me into Kpop.  You encouraged me to draw, to write, to sing.

For Jocelyn O./Joss, who, while we aren't that close anymore, used to hang with me and make Chinese class fun.  I still kind of wish to keep in touch every once in a while.

For Rachel P./Rach/Rachie.  We met in 6th grade, I think.  You're one of the closer people to me at the moment, y'know that?  Birthday buddies <3 I really have to learn how you keep smiling, how you're nice and happy all the time... That would be useful to me.  Doodling together in 6th grade, talking in homeroom in 8th...

For Andrew C./Andy/AMC. You're special to me, y'know that?  I wish we had some classes together this year... We haven't had a class together since 7th grade... Ohwell. Eventually, yeah?  We haven't been talking as much lately... But it's okay, because I know you're still there.  Sorry I hug you so much even though you're uncomfortable with it.

For Narissa H./Nari.  I love you, Nari~ <3 Thank you for taking care of me these past few years.  You really are like an older sister to me.  I'm sorry I can't do much in return for you at the moment.  However, we'll eventually get to hang together more, yea? Eventually.  Thanks for letting me hang at your place from time to time.  Tell Rita I love her, too, kay?

For Katelan S./Kate/Kaze.  The dino to my kitty.  We need to hang together more, too.  Thanks for putting up with my antics.  Thanks for letting me hang at your place so often.  T'was fun.  We'll eventually hang more in the future.

For Jason T./Tiranii.  I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you recently.  Thanks for helping me and Kate in that project last year.  We'll talk more soon.

For Jannah M./Chrome/Kuromi.  Even though we haven't met in person, I still love you.  You're really awesome, y'know that?  I'll RP again someday, just for you guys <3
For Sapphire H./Amara/Ammy.  Thank you for taking care of me in my beginning days of RPing.

For the singer/utaite community in general.  I learned a lot of things in this community, and not just about music.  Somehow, I think the community has opened my eyes and helped me adjust to having feelings and emotions, to certain aspects of relationships and people in general that I hadn't known or thought about before.  And to those in the community, even though I haven't met you in person yet, I can still see your heart, and that's enough for me <3

For KPC, which is my first chorus.  Currently, it's also the only chorus I'm in that's active and has a debut out.  I sometimes goof up and call it "my" chorus, even though I know it's Nanamidaddy's and Abbyjiejie's.  But in my heart, it's "my" chorus.  Hopefully, we'll be able to release some more stuff soon.

For Abby, who found me and dragged me into KPC.  Absjiejie, please be safe and don't push yourself too hard!  Even though you're not singing anymore, you're still here with me and the rest of KPC.

For Nanami, who is going through some situations at the moment.  Someday, the sun will shine again, daddy.  Until then, I'm here for you.

For Leelee, who has stuck with me for a really long time.  Twinny, thanks for putting up with some of the shit I do ;w; I've ranted to you a few times, I've talked to you when my paranoia was acting up, when my self-esteem was really down, when I needed to spazz because of Korilive.  Your covers and your voice and your face and heck, I'mma just put down all of you, because you're beautiful, y'know that?  I'm honored to call you my twin.

For Kori, who I also met pretty early on.  You're also one of the closer people to me at the moment.  Thanks for putting up with my shit and being there for me when I'm not feeling all that well.

Also, a special section for Kori's voice.  I listen to some of his covers, and it helps me when I'm down.  Ahaha~

For Kenta, who... was one of the first people I talked to on Twitter, I think.  oAo  I really look up to you, and although it's difficult for us to talk, which I think I might cover in another blogpost, you're a cool guy. And like I said, I really look up to you a lot.  I love your translyrics, too, and I listen to some of your covers as well when I'm feeling down.

For Nami, who I really want to meet.  Our locations are so close! ;A; You're one of the first people in the community to see my face. I have a lot of fun being in call with you, scripting with you, spazzing about docs with you.

For Ota, who, while is a jerkface sometimes, is nice when he needs to be.  Helping me with my paranoia and the bad feelings and stuff, and dragging me into the super call, where I met a lot of people, like Pichu.

For Gemini, who I also listen to when I'm not feeling well.

For Karin, who I've ranted and spazzed to a few times.  Let's push Ota off a cliff, yeah? <3

For Lollia, who remembered me when tweeting about people they're thankful for... I was just like... holyshit. I actually started crying.  You're going through some shit as well, aren't you... Someday, the sun will shine again.  Maybe you'll return to the mofos, then?  We miss you, y'know.

For Cherri, who encouraged me to continue singing and writing and drawing and all that other stuff.

For both of my other selves, Zumi and Pichu.  You both are amazing artists and asdkflsjks let me have your skills ;w;
For Carmen and Tune, both of whom I met extremely early on.  I don't know about Tune, but knowing that Carmen still remembers me makes me really happy.

For those that I have met only recently.  If you're willing to continue putting up with my shit, then I'm sure we'll have a lot of wonderful memories together <3

To anyone that I did not put here.  Just because you're not here doesn't mean that I don't love you and/or I'm not thankful for your presence in my life.  Just know that I'm thankful for you.  Thank you for putting some of your time and effort into making a dent in my life.  Everyone makes me who I am, and I love you all for it.

Normalcy

I'm...pretty sure that's a word?  Ohwell ahahah~ If it isn't, then I have just invented it.

     Lately, I've been more upset than usual for whatever reason.  And slowly, things have been changing.  There's this stupid feeling that makes me want to cry even though I don't know why it's there or why I would want to cry.  I'm eating less and less.  Sometimes, just looking at food makes me feel sick.  And eventually, after a while of eating very little, I suddenly snap and binge.  I'm actually not sure if it's considered a binge when to other people it might not seem much.  I don't eat much normally, so a lot of things feel like a lot to me.  I don't think I'm making much sense in this.
     However, what's worrying me is that these things have been gradually becoming more and more normal to me.  I suppose at this point, it's just like "What's normal?"  Ahaha~

I'm really sorry for not making much sense in this post.  I don't feel very coherent myself at the moment, nor do my thoughts make much sense to myself.

Just Ranting

Today was really not a good day for me.

The day starts off as usual.  I get ignored a lot, everybody is too damn loud, the usual.  However, even the people that usually notice me ignored me.  That hurt.  A lot.  A few days ago, a couple of friends held me down and tried to comb my hair at school and ended up seeing my rashes due to my bad skin.  So, they started making fun of me.  "Can I touch it? Can I touch it?" "It's weird. It's like... a scar. It's ugly."  They still drag me into their group and laugh and all that though.  I don't get the lesson in ceramics and I forgot to bring cans because I was rushing this morning, waking up mom.  I went to go watch club volleyball during lunch, and apparently, noone in my usual group noticed I was gone.  Figures.  After lunch, we had a substitute in bio because apparently, my bio teacher scratched his cornea while prepping for a basketball game. What.  Buuut, we got a quiz tomorrow.  During bio, I also had to help a classmate out with her geometry homework.  Apparently, she does not realize that the angle between line AC and line BC is angle C.  She told me she slept in class or something.  Bitch, don't sleep in class if you can't catch up by your own damn self.  The teachers also messed up on my grades just as they're being sent home.  Again.  Goddamit.  Afterschool, I had to walk to the library alone.  I saw people that I know, but was generally ignored for the rest of the crowd as I waited for my mom to pick me up.  And to make things worse, I had to put up with my mom and my brother grocery shopping afterwards.
I already ranted about yesterday, I think.  But yeah.  Overall, the week hasn't been good with me.
I'm probably just cranky because stupid homework + sick + it is 1:30am and I'm not asleep yet + I haven't eaten or drank since somewhere around 4.  But whatever.

Responsibility

I find it extremely ironic that Eva wrote a blogpost about avoiding responsibility for a bit when all day today, I have been doubting my own sense of responsibility.

I overslept this morning.  I'm not exactly sure about what happened; I either slept through the alarm, or forgot to set the alarm.  Either way, I woke up at 8:10am.  Class starts at 8:20am, and it takes 10 minutes to get to school.  There was no way I was making it on time.

Big deal, right? Yeaaah- no.  I also have to wake up my mom and my brother in the morning.  Furthermore, I was desperately trying not to get tardies this year to show my parents that I can in fact be responsible and a good student and all that.  And it feels like it just crumbled to pieces this morning as I sat in the car and listened to mom yell at me.

All day long, it felt like everyone's been rubbing it in on me.  In class, the teacher talked about how it's good to wake up early.  Responsibility is important.  My mom keeps mentioning it over and over again.  It's like I can't get away from it.

It feels like my parents have lost all faith they had in me.  I used to be a good student, other than my tardies.  Then, last year happened.  I'm not entirely sure what came over me, except that it was something.  I just lost all will to do well.  It was like something in my brain told me, "You're stupid, you're ugly, you're going to go nowhere in life. Why do you try?"  And so I stopped trying.  And now my parents think I'm just stupid.

It's not just academically that they don't trust me.  As I said before, they don't trust me in other places, too, like the kitchen.  I'm still not allowed to have a set of house keys even though my younger brother was allowed to (and lost them.  I think there's another reason why my mom doubts me.)

Sometimes, I feel like they're right.  I'm slow, I'm dim-witted, I'm stupid, I'm irresponsible.  Why am I even allowed to be alive?  What's the point in my existence?  I'm the worst thing in existence.  Why do I even bother?

I know this sounds like I'm just making a big deal out of oversleeping, but it's a big deal to me.  ...yeah, I'm sure noone cares. ahaha.

Melancholy

The weekend had a kind of melancholic feeling to it.  I'm not exactly sure why.  A couple of times, over the weekend, I really wanted to cry, but there was no reason why.  This is one of those times.

In general, the atmosphere of this weekend was rather depressing.  It felt like more people were upset this weekend than usual.  Perhaps it's the winter depression setting in.  Or maybe it's just my observation.

The hardest thing to do seems to be trying to cheer someone up when they're feeling the same way you do, and that feeling just happens to be negative emotions without reasoning.  After all, it's difficult to argue against an illogical person.

I want to channel it into something productive; a picture, a song, a fic... But that would also be counterproductive because I have work to do.  Although... in the end, I can't even concentrate on work.

KPC's got more projects going on now.  I have to stand strong for them.  School's getting harder and we're getting more group projects.  My family depends on me.  I have to stand strong there too.  And friends are feeling the upsetting feelings just as much as I am.  I need to be strong for them as well.

However, I'm not strong enough for even myself.  I'm just letting everybody down.

Happy Morning

Today has been a good morning for me!  Mom wasn't home today, so I decided to make some pancakes for my brother and me!

I normally don't cook for multiple reasons.

1. I used to be not allowed to cook.  Sometimes, I forget that I'm kinda sorta allowed to now. (Kinda.  Parents are still insanely iffy.)
2. It's... new to me.  Like I said, I used to be not allowed to.  And so I'm scared of messing up and burning the house down and all those other things my parents told me would happen.
3. Mom's always in the kitchen.  I personally try to avoid contact with my mom when possible.

However, today, she's out! So I did pancakes.

(The little one on the top is so cute~!)

It was a really nice experience.  I actually have a kind of maternal instinct that comes out from time to time.  Also, it was my first time doing pancakes on my own!

I'm really happy about how they came out, too.  I put in chocolate and mint chips in there (cuz I love chocolate <3 ).  They came out all light and fluffy~

(I feel like I'm making a bigger deal of this than it actually is though LOL)

Feelings

Sometimes, I wonder about myself.  I'll give advice to others, comfort others, but in the end, I'm just useless when it comes to myself.  Isn't it true that I should know myself the best?  How come I barely know myself?

When a very close friend, a non-blood-related sister, was suffering from not knowing her own feelings, I helped her by telling her to visualize walking away from the problem.
But...

How can I myself walk away from my problem when I don't even know what it is?

Right now, I just feel the negative feelings washing over me in waves.  I don't know where they're coming from, and I don't know why they're here.  Would they go away on their own?  Should I talk to someone about them?

How do I talk about them when I don't know anything about them?

I told her that I personally believe that there are multiple planes of reality: A physical plane, a mental plane, and an emotional plane.  Because they are in separate planes, they sometimes need messages from each other.  However, this problem seems to be entirely in the emotional plane.  The problem isn't miscommunication.

What do I do...?

Tuna Wrap

Daddy brought home a tuna wrap! .w. Yay~!
It's my first time trying it.  It's different? LOL
From what I'm seeing, I think there's tuna (duh), tomato, lettuce (Ithink?)(it'saleaf.howaboutthat.), onion, and something else.  It's mostly tuna. (duh.)
It's kinda cool.  Like I said, though, it's also kinda different.
And that's about it.  Useless blog post is useless.

Politics

     I realized that I was being really unfair to other people who follow me but have conflicting views.  I... don't really know where else to put this.  (I'm actually honestly too prideful to go up to the people privately and apologize to them.  I need to work on this too...)

     I apologize for unfairly pushing my opinions into other people's faces.  In all honesty, I don't care whether you're a democrat or a republican or a peace party or whatever.  If you're willing to put up with my stupidity, then I'm willing to give you a chance.  I feel especially bad for Republicans that follow me due to how I was acting last month.  Like I said, I'm really sorry.

     That being said, there's a lot of hate on Republicans this time around.  (Unless you're in my family.  When they're not hating on the government in general, they're hating on Republicans.)  I understand that being a Republican and liking Romney and having a cool personality have nothing to do with each other.  I apologize if I don't show it.

Purpose/Commitment

I originally made this blog simply to relieve feelings when I could otherwise not do so.

     I'm not used to laying my feelings out like this.  I usually relieve feelings in ways that... tend to leave others without an explanation.  Case in point being going through Eva's blog and vlogs and going through tweets (especially Eva's) and faving things I found helpful or that I want to see again in the future or whatever.  (I find Eva's "voice" in both the physical and literature sense to be rather soothing.)

However, Eva's back now.  I didn't realize it immediately due to her still not appearing when I typed in "Eva" on Twitter.

Like so.

Even so... I said that I would keep this blog up.  A commitment.  I've never been all that good at this commitment stuff before.  (One of those reasons why I don't plan on dating any time soon.)  And so, this blog will continue staying alive.  Because if I want to live a normal life, I need to learn how to commit.

Tuning

It feels like there's a lot of misconceptions about tuning.  I don't think anyone would read this, but I just want to share my views about tuning.  I don't really care what other people think about it and whether they like it or not, I just personally think it's unrealistic to judge and/or dislike a person/group merely because they use tuning.

However, the most egregious and most common misconception is probably...

Tuning makes everything it touches sound better.

A lot of people seem to think that tuning can magically "fix" voices so that they'd sound beautiful no matter what.

However, I'll share with you a little secret.

Tuning can't:

1. Make you sound manlier
2. Make you sound cuter
3. Make you sound prettier
4. "Fix" bad voices
5. Make you sound like anything that's not you

Basically? Tuning isn't magic.

KPC bbies

I swear, I must be the worst chorus (co)leader in existence.  I'm just... today is one of those days where I just hate myself.  A lot.  And it feels like I can't do anything right.

I think I'll do a post about KPC later, when I'm feeling better.

Anyways, KPC just had our third chorus uploaded, second full chorus.

Everyone sounds beautiful in it (except me, of course. Thank god I didn't have an actual solo.)  However, I think the one and only thing that's keeping me from crying right now is...

Kenta commented on it.
And he likes it.

those high notes <3 ahhh you guys are good

kentamidorin 2 days ago

aksjdflewjlsakjf
My chorus. Kenta commented on my chorus. and he thinks we're good.
jadlkfjdsflksdfjholyshit.

However, we were late partially because I turned my lines in so late... it was supposed to be finished in August. Whoops.
I also happened to have neglected our latest chorus as well.  We were supposed to have it finished by September.  I just did my lines last Saturday.  Double whoops.

I really don't know how I'm allowed to lead this amazing group of people when I can't do anything worth jackshit.