More Frustration

I am incredibly upset right now and it upsets me even more seeing my family members treat it like a joke of some sorts.  I also really shouldn't be in ownership of the keyboard at the moment seeing that this is going to be a bunch of incoherent angrish.

I went outside to try making a microwave brownie for myself to see if it would make me feel better.  Plus, I really wanted a brownie and no one in the house makes them except for me.  Despite the fact that I still have homework to finish (which I can't even do right now because I AM UPSET and the shitty thing about being upset is that it renders me absolutely fucking useless.  However, that's the subject of a separate rant.)  My parents have this thing where they want me outside and not in my room anyways.  However, Mom put the paper I wrote the recipe on in her cabinet of random papers written in Vietnamese AKA incomprehensible to everyone except her.  And then I found out she shitted up with the other cabinets, so I needed her help finding everything and GETTING THE STUPID BUTTER MOM DON'T USE BUTTER LIKE THAT.

And so she and dad asked me what my beef is.  Despite the fact that I told Dad earlier already.  And so, it is apparently my fault for not knowing where anything is in our kitchen and leaving my room in the first place.  Thank you.  Thank you so much.

Mom also yelled at me earlier because I picked the wrong body wash or something??? despite the fact that, when I asked her, she waved me off with "Are you stupid? They're all right there, and there's "body wash" labeled. It's in English too.  You can read, right?  Just pick one."  I shrugged it off with, "Well, there aren't many nice-smelling things in the bathroom anyways," referencing the fact that all the shampoos in there make me want to puke and Mom hasn't done anything about it despite the fact that I've been telling her for a week.  She then says, "There's the bubble bath."  "Mom, none of us take baths except for my brother." "YEA, AND YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE BUBBLE BATHS BECAUSE..." Mom, I didn't ask for this lecture.  Mom, I don't take bubble baths. I don't even take baths, I shower.  Mom, why are you yelling at me.  Please don't yell.

I really don't like the fact that my anger and feelings are being disregarded so easily.  Even if I don't show feelings as often as my brother doesn't mean that I don't have them, or that they shouldn't be taken as seriously.  I do get legitimately angry and upset.

Mom, Dad, didn't you guys want me to come of my room more?  Well?  Are you happy now?  Are you happy?

I am really upset and I just want food.  I want food, and I want someone to take care of me right now.  I don't want to be the big sister anymore.  I don't want to be the responsible one.  I just want a fucking brownie or cookie in a mug when I'm feeling too shitty to function.

Failed Attempts at Peace

I am extremely upset right now.  Woke up upset, had a bad day, yatta yatta.

I know that when I'm upset, I yell.  I don't mean to, I don't even notice that I do until my dad yells at me for it.  He does the same thing (despite being in denial about it).  He also doesn't like it when I yell, and I don't like it when he yells.

Therefore, I decided to try talking indirectly to him since everyone in the family now texts.  Idk, I guess I was hoping to get through a conversation explaining why I don't want them barging into my room asking me things and yelling at me when I yell at them.  Unfortunately, I guess my dad didn't share the same sentiments.

I texted Dad saying, "I don't want to come out of my room or talk directly to anyone right now because I am upset.  Is that okay?"

Unfortunately, Dad then decides that with this text, it'd be perfectly okay to walk right into my room to ask me why I am upset.  I tell him I don't want to yell at him, and if he could just talk to me indirectly, like with text or something.  He asks me again. I tell him I don't want to yell.  He keeps asking. Eventually, he gets frustrated at my lack of answers and leaves, telling me I can go starve for all he cares.

Okay. Thank you.
I tried, I guess.

I have just realized something.  It's not really important, I guess (although I suppose it is to me), and it seems rather obvious now.

I lack major will-power.

I mean, I always knew that I'm not a willful type of person.  I can never be the confident, intimidating onee-chan character that I want to be.  However, I didn't realize how much will-power I lacked until it hit me while I was browsing Tumblr.

I also realized today that while I'm comfortable with hugging other people, I'm not as comfortable when they hug back.  I guess I'm just not used to that /o/

Dream Log: Children

I tend to dream a lot, and of pretty weird things.  I think, though, that they're frequent enough to warrant a label, yes?  Ahaha, time will tell.

Anyways, recently, I've been getting dreams where I'm grown up and surrounded by neighborhood children.  Apparently, in that universe, my brother took a video of me showing him how to make microwave brownies because "Cooking is not that hard, so you should start slowly in becoming less dependent on me bringing you meals."  Something like that.  The video gained popularity with children for whatever reason, and then apparently I kept doing kiddie videos despite stating in that channel's description that I would not make a good role model due to my lack of purity (so true).

What I found kind of startling but also pretty nice was that it was easy to talk to the kids in that dream.  Things like speaking softly and making weird metaphors and connections... those kinds of things have less value as you grow older, I think?  But in the end, they're not that hard for me.  Not as hard as talking to people in my age group, where being loud and making a bunch of pop culture references that are basically giant in-jokes are the cool thing.

During one of those dreams, a kid told me that there was another kid at school being mean to him.  He was the type who didn't really do much with others.  I told him that he was being a Batman, and that he should find teammates, like Robin and Bruce, to help him against the bad guy.  He said, "But what if I be friends with them, and then they are mean to me, too?"  I told him, "Then that's not a Robin.  Robin would never hurt Batman, right? Because Robin likes Batman and Batman likes Robin. So you keep going until you find a Robin to be by your side."

Apparently, an angry mother complained that by stating that Batman likes Robin and Robin likes Batman, I was somehow promoting the homosexual agenda.  These kids were around 5.  I think I said something like, "When your kid says something like, 'I like cookies,' does he mean that he wants to marry that cookie? No, he's saying, 'I think cookies are cool,' or something like that. In the same way, Robin thinks Batman is cool and Batman thinks Robin is cool and your kid thinks you're cool."

I never understand the point of my dreams, and they tend to be rather random.  Even so, I like kids.  A future where I'm surrounded by kids isn't all that bad, even if I wouldn't be able to curse, drink, or be violent as much.

Life in a jar

I've seen a lot of people quote this one thing about a professor with a jar of golf balls and pebbles and sand and whatnot.  The story goes that the professor put the items in, one by one, starting with the golf balls and ending with the sand, while asking the students after each one if the jar is full.  Each time, the answer was yes, meaning that life can be full even without the tiny things, the sand.

However, I think what might be a bit more fitting would be ice tea.  The cup is still full with the ice in it, even if there's not much taste.  The tea would be the "little things" the things that fit between the gaps.  However, in the end, everything becomes a tiny thing.  This journey in finding that special someone, and all those break ups and heartbreaks?  Eventually will be insignificant.  Your grades and test scores?  Eventually will also be a tiny part of your life.  In the end, you'll just have a cup of small things.

I'm not sure where I was going with this.

Fish Food

I felt like naming Horoscope-related things Fish Food because I'm a Pisces and I'm not really sure.  It's 2 in the morning, and I need to get up earlier than I normally do on a weekend (which isn't very early anyways) because I have classmates coming over for a group project.  However, this thought suddenly popped into my head.  Maybe I'll think of a better name in the morning.

(On another note, I'm seeing less and less use for labels since the majority of my posts here are borderline rambling with only hints of connecting themes and whatnot.  Ohwell.)

I was thinking while brushing my teeth, and I realized how far Pisces' paradoxical nature goes.  We usually can't handle the truth, but at the same time, we seek that shit like water.  We can't handle our emotions half the time, but at the same time, we love just feeling feelings, and we use it like fuel for things we do, like poems and songs and blogposts.  Like, it's just like LIVING IS GREAT BECAUSE I CAN FEEL THINGS??? but at the same time, LIVING IS NOT NICE BECAUSE FEELS???  I'm not really sure myself ahaha.

Falling Behind

Falling Behind

Another random thing by Lee

My Family is Incredibly Amusing 1

Naming it with a 1 because I have no clue what to name this but I know that there'll be more posts like this one and I most likely won't know what to name all those other ones too. Unoriginality at its finest, folks.

Life is like a river

Life is like a river, and we are all fish

A something Lee wrote after a history test because fuck doing homework, I was braindead as hell.

Reply to the Value of Fulfillment

(Does it seem like I'm doing too many "reply to Eva's blogpost with a blogpost because my answer is that freaking long"?  Sobs I feel like I've been doing a lot of those lately ahahaha.)

Anyways, I wanted to do a reply post to this cuz I've also thought about this before.  Many. Freaking. Times.

So, it starts with this question: If getting an "A" is supposedly "above and beyond", then would that mean that the teachers model their expectations on something that is not even a whole?  Afterall, "B" is equivalent to 80 out of 100.

However, isn't this expectation that an "A" is what we are supposed to achieve actually a new development?  We've noticed, after all, the fact that the education system is pushing for more and more with each generation.  A few generations ago, colleges were considered above and beyond.  Nowadays, they are the expected standard.  Prodigies are the same.  Each year, it feels like the "new genius" is younger and younger.

Therefore, it's safe to say that one person's obligation is not the same as another person's.  A person working at his or her job can put all of his or her effort into the job, stating that it is because that is what they are supposed to do.  At the same time, however, we can have another person working that same job without having the same feeling of obligation towards the job.  Perhaps he or she has obligations elsewhere, maybe with family, or a games, or a hobby.

Let me try to make this into a singing analogy, because everything I do turns into a huge metaphor anyways.  Some people are good at singing, while others are good at mixing, or drawing, or animating.  Just because one person can sing really well doesn't mean we all should.  If you want to animate, then good for you!  If you want to mix, then yeah! Great job!  And in the comments section, there's variety in expectations there, too.  Some people praise for effort, while other praise for good mixing, or professional-looking results.

I'm not saying that a person can't be obligated towards multiple things.  It's more like, people have different priorities.  And if one of your priorities is being kind to others, then, despite that being what you feel you are supposed to do, it can feel like an extra to someone else.  Some people like to put effort into going above and beyond in sports.  Is that what everyone needs to do, then?  No.  You do whatever you feel you should do, what you feel is important.  And if you happen to feel that being kind towards me for whatever reason is on your list of priorities, then jesuschristwithtoastifuckingloveyou thank you so much.

Because if everyone on this planet does everything that they are supposed to do, we mind as well have a planet of robots.