Feelings

I kind of envy people who can suddenly have feels and let them out so easily.

I'm naturally an emotional person.  And that should be fine.  Except that in my household, showing negative emotions is a bad thing, since having negative emotions is bad.  Sad?  No, you can't be sad.  You can't be upset, or angry, or anything.  Don't learn bad things like that.  You need to learn to be happy.

In the end, I have trouble telling how I feel.  I've been bottling up my emotions for so long that I usually just identify them as "positive", "negative", or "neutral", and nothing further than that.  I try not to show emotions, and when I do, I try not to show them in front of other people, especially my family.  It's hard, though, when I'm not allowed to keep my door closed and just be alone.

Sometimes, though, I just want to be able to show emotions like a normal person.

I want to cry when I read a sad book, or see a sad movie, or have a bad dream.

I just want to be able to cry for once.

Life's Narrow Path

 So Eva did a blog post about how one-track life is.  And since I don't know what concise wording is, my answer is a blog post.

I agree about how society's become more narrow LOL Although... it kinda makes me wonder why.  Part of it is because people genuinely believe that people will be more successful if things start young.  However, another part is because people like to show off all these prodigies nowadays.  There's a lot of push on being the youngest talent.

I still remember when I first learned of careers and jobs back in kindergarten.  I came home and talked about it with my dad, and he casually asked me what I wanted to be.  I gave him 5 options (I remember three of them being writer, artist, and teacher) and he gunned them all down because they weren't good enough.

Currently, I'm stressed because I feel like there's not enough time for everything.  My parents keep telling me to learn everything I want to learn while young, and that things such as drawing, writing, singing, and whatever can be done later on in life.  However, it feels like I'm missing opportunities.  I'm wasting time.  And it sucks, because it probably is possible to have another chance to do it later in life.  But I feel like I missed my chance because I didn't do it early enough.

My mom points out that her friend's daughter is in the 1st grade and is learning piano.  And why didn't I learn piano, she asks.  Why aren't I any good compared to these younger people, she asks.  And I'm not supposed to answer, so I just sit there and ask myself why.

College is one of those things that you can go back to later in life.  However, sometimes, I forget that, because people are so focused on things being right that first time.  In fact, Uncle told me to double-major my first year, then hurry up and be successful before grandma and grandpa leave us.  I know I can always go back after the first time if I don't like my major, but... in the end, that's also wasted time, isn't it?  I don't know anymore...

Aunty thinks I should be a law clerk.  And it fits, according to her description.  Write up documents, give them to higher-up, done.  From what she said, I could just do it at home if I want to.  Even so... I don't know.  I feel myself wavering a lot.  I don't really know what I want to be.  I feel like I need to hurry up, though... Like everyone's running and I'm too tired to, so I just walk.

Eva also mentioned that people grow at different paces.  And I agree on that.  I know I've mentioned the health triangle before on this blog.  A self is made up of the mind/emotions, the physical body, and the part that meets society (or something like that).  For me... I guess my mental and social aspects are kind of stinted.  The school therapist told me that it's normal to have a late emotional reaction to things since I'm not used to expressing my emotions.  Even so, I feel so behind compared to my classmates.  I still remember how I discovered what a "radio" was in 4th or 5th grade and started listening to music, and my best friend just humored me since she tried to introduce it to the uninterested me of 3rd grade.

My Health teacher told us that highschool used to be like college.  Few people passed, and those that did were able to get a wide variety of jobs.  And then highschool got too easy, so college became the new thing.  I wonder if, someday, the new thing would be specialty schools, like med school and law school and whatnot.  Specialty schools will probably be created for a whole bunch of professions, and it'll be the new thing.

Wow, wasn't this supposed to be a reply to a blog post what the hell.

Poetry

I normally don't do poetry.

Normally, I don't even do translyrics.

Why?

Because I suck at picking the right words for a small amount of space.

In fact, I think there might've been a word to replace all of that, too.  I just can't think of it.  AHAHAorz.  Anyways, I actually used to do a lot of poetry.  Back when I was little, I loved writing poems.  I still kinda do like the whole ring and whatnot with poetry.  I just find it sorta difficult to understand sometimes.

However, that did not stop me from doing a sequel to Eva's poem because I felt like it 8D  Actually, I was kinda worried because it was just an impulsive thing.  I read it, I jotted something down and quickly hit publish before I could self-doubt.  And then I self-doubted.

But yeee it turned out fine and eheheheeh <3 It was a nice thing to see considering how my week has been ahahah~

Anyways, just gonna casually put it up here as well.  IT'S ALSO ON EBAH'S BLOG AND WHATNOT.

 Yeah.

EDIT: Hey I did a 4th part.  Which I'll prolly redo later when I have the braincells necessary.  And I added the title.

Aspiration

A bird in a cage
With no will to fly,
Who aspires not,
Whose wings denied,
Feels neither longing,
Nor vexed, nor content;
Yet to be in this cage
This bird is meant.*

A bird in a cage
Loses the will to fly.
White wings, full-fledged;
But the heart will deny.
Nowhere to run,
Wishing not to roam.
In this cage
This bird is home.

A bird in a cage
Knows not how to fly--
Its wings inexperienced,
Its plight to deny
That skies can be soared;
Destination unfound.
Fearful is this bird,
And to this cage it’s bound.*

A bird in a cage
Learns not how to fly
But to dream and to wish
Of worlds undefined.
For it has grown weary,
And used to the pain.
This cage is its life,
A perennial stain.

 *These stanzas are written by Eva.

Nothing gold can stay

So my laptop is really old.

Like, dinosaur old.

Like, I-still-have-a-green-start-button-because-I-have-XP old.

And I thought it was just fine.  Until recently, anyways.

My laptopbby's fan had always been a bit loud.  To the point where people notice when things are wrong because my laptop noise wasn't there.

However... I think it's seriously starting to die...

And I am seriously freaking out because LAPTOPBBY.  PLEASE. STAY WITH ME.  Daddy told me to just save all my shit in an external hard drive, but it's like... I HAVE TOO MUCH SHIT TO SAVE ;w; WHAT TO DO.

I'm a packrat and a bit creepy.  Therefore, I save mp3s and lines (some I'm not supposed to have) and pictures and--

I don't know what to do with this all someone help me please.

Talented people.

kuruC ‏@cooroosii3h

my TL is full of talented people who can pretty much do everything and here i am a quivering lump of fried fuckedness

kuruC ‏@cooroosii3h

"don't mind me, i just made a song, the art, the PV, and the utau. what'd you do today?" "oh i just.. existed."

While I disagree concerning this particular person (I personally like reading their tweets--), these few tweets highlight a feeling that I've been feeling an awful lot of recently. And yes, I remember that other blogpost I made about this. I know there's nothing actually required of me...

And yet, I don't feel any less worthless.

I made a blogpost about how people use emotions to create because they want to be heard. Then it occurred to me. That's not really true for everyone. Some people create, but prefer not to share or don't care whether it is shared or not. And so I decided. Another reason people create is to be productive. If these emotions can make something, then they wouldn't be so worthless, yeah?

Please excuse me, I'm the only person stupid enough to be writing at stupid hours like this LOL.

Language Barriers

Jfc I hate when I don't know how to answer and Mom thinks I just don't know how to say it.
Mom, I'm not my brother.  I'm not some white-wash don't-know-my-own-fucking-ethnicity.

I just don't know the fucking answer.

What is Productivity

So I have quite a bit I could be doing:

• studying and catching up on school work
• drawing for some duet pvs
• writing fanfics
• working on my fanfic blog
• recording for some duets and whatnot
• recording. in general.
• other stuff

 Instead, what do I do?

This is what I spent an entire hour on.

I also cannot turn it into a .gif file like I wanted to because the only computer in the house that can probably withstand the program needed to do that... is my brother's computer.

And so you get this for now.

What.

Jeffrey, water you doing.

Wat am I watching.

Just.

wat.

"I told you already.  You're normal.  You heard what your teacher said.  You have to learn to deal with it.  I am very busy.  I have lots of things to do.  What do you do?  Go to school.  Go home.  Play. Sleep.  Hah.  You have too much time, causes you to think weird thoughts.  Like how you think you have depression.  Or those stupid thoughts about suicide.  You don't think about suicide, right?"

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks, Dad.

Nowhere

It is possible to not be feeling any particular emotion.  "Empty".

Why is it not possible to not be anywhere, then?

Why is it not possible to not be hearing any sound?

I don't want to be here.

There isn't any particular place I want to be.

I just know where I don't want to be.

 

Can I just be nowhere?

Reasons to Create

People who suffer as helpless puppets, captured by unrelenting strings connected to the master hand of emotions, tend to use these feelings to create.  Drawing, writing, singing... Art in general is made of emotions.

Emotions are very raw.  Any attempt from humans to channel emotions causes some of it to be lost.  How much of it lost depends on the person being the medium.  Each person is better at sharing their feelings through certain ways than others.  Physically speaking, my abilities are writing>singing>art (I think).  Mentally speaking, I am more like art>singing>writing.

Every time we channel our emotions into a work, something gets lost in translation.  Due to how personalized emotions are, we must change a thing or two here and there for other people to understand.  What words, colors, shapes, sounds, do people associate with this feeling?  How can I show other people what I am feeling?

I guess... in essence, that's why people do art.  They want to show what they're feeling.  If other people know what they're feeling, then they don't feel so alone.  People understand.

Twitter without a timeline

I sometimes find myself wishing that there was such a thing as a Twitter without a timeline.

I take comfort in the fact that people don't have to read my shit if they don't want to.

I take comfort in the fact that very few people even know this place exists. (Hi Eva.)

Sometimes, though, my thoughts and feelings happen too quickly for me to blog like this.  Sometimes, I just want to say a few quick things and be done with it.

Sometimes, I just want my feelings out short and simple, like a tweet.

But Twitter isn't the best place for stuff like that.  Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook all have timelines that forces the viewer to see everything their friends say, everything their friends do.

It scares me.

It reminds me of my parents, always trying to figure out what I'm doing, and yet not supporting me in the things I do.  They're suspicious of every friend I have.  I'm not allowed to cry.  I'm not allowed to look or act sad.  At one time, I wasn't allowed to sing.

They'll judge me.  For every thing I do, I'll be judged.  Are your feelings real, or are you just being a fake?  Are you any good?  Sometimes, I don't tweet things because I say them to myself, and I think, "It doesn't feel real enough.  They'll think I'm faking, or I'm being overly dramatic."  Maybe I am.

Right now, I don't want to blog.  I want to tweet.

Depression

Sucks.

I thought things were getting better.  I thought I was getting over it.  That I was on the other side of the hill now.

Guess who thought wrong?

My mood's been getting worse and worse lately.  My friends have been busy.  Don't wanna bother them.  I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I don't get it.

I really thought I was getting better.  Why is my mood down here again?  Ugh...

To makes things worse, the teacher tried talking to my parents about my depression.

Can I just not be living anymore?

Plants vs. Zombies Pick Up Lines

Because, hell, there's PvsZ fanfics.  Why aren't there any pick-up lines?
So, naturally, because I'm a huge geek, I made my own.

Satisfaction

Karin once listened to me trying to do lines for KPC.  That's when she learned how much I hate my own voice.

However, I was just going through my mess of a music folder earlier and listening to various shits and trying to sing some of them.  I found an acoustic arrange of Hello How Are You and decided to see if it's singable or not.

Answer: Yes, yes it is.

And I found that I actually kinda like what I recorded.  Only kinda.  But that's good enough for me considering how I normally am.

[Link] (Please excuse my laptop noise--)

I'm not sure yet whether I want to do a full or not (since I haven't even gotten to the chorus LOL).  However, I'm finding that I really like that arrange and I kinda like how I sound in it and I really like that song.  So I might just do it.  Ahaha... we'll just see how I feel about it tomorrow.

Feelings

I'm a Lee and I don't understand feelings.

There's some type of feeling here, a negative feeling, and I just don't know what it is...  Loneliness?  Disappointment?  Or am I just simply really uninspired?  Or... what?  I don't get it.  I just don't get it.

I get in call, and after a while, I feel antsy.  I get out of call, and after a while, I feel empty.  Can't I be satisfied?  Not really, it seems.

I have things I should be doing.  Ceramics, homework, fanfics, art... and I just can't bring myself to do anything because I feel like the stupidest sack of shit on the planet for no actual reason...  I try to shove it off, but in the end I just flop back and forth like a mood-swinging fish.

Someone, please write a book or something about feelings.  Explain what this shitbag of a thing called a mood is.

Bullshit

So I am finally home.  And my brother does not understand the meaning of "I don't feel like putting up with bullshit at the moment."  AKA "Please leave me the fuck alone."  (I apologize for cussing so much. It's even in the title.)

Lonely

This week has been kind of nice, I suppose.  After all the stress of being with people, working with people, school and whatnot... It was kind of nice to have some time to myself.  Draw some pictures.

I say that, but... in the end, even introverts get lonely.  And a week... is a bit too much.

I found that the people I usually talk to were either at school, at work, or busy (usually playing LoL) for a good amount of time during this week.  And... I'm not too sure if what I'm feeling is loneliness or not, but... it feels heavy... like crying... I don't like it.  Maybe it's lonely.  I have no clue.

What am I doing with my life

So I am feeling extremely restless.

I'm pretty sure the cause is my inactivity.  Seriously.  I've been so unproductive this week that I actually feel physically itchy and restless.  And it's not a good feeling.

This week was Spring Break. And yet, I feel so upset about my lack of productivity... and I'm not even sure why I feel like this.  Agh...

I want to do something... But what to do...

What should I title this.

"Geez, [Lee], you cry when you have bad dreams.  You cry when you read or watch or even just listen to sad, depressing stuff.  Why do you take it all so personally?  What's next, suicide?  I don't know what to do with you anymore."

If only you knew. *laughs*

Honestly?  I don't really know either.

Restless

Today, I woke up to find two choruses uploaded.  I am not in either of them, but they are both very beautiful, high-quality choruses that you should take a look at if you haven't yet.  Because Blogger has been mean to me lately, I'm just going to link them.

The first is Paranoia, from Harlequin*Project.

The second is a Niki Medley for Nipah's birthday.

Like I said, they're both really good choruses.

However, I'm getting some kind of feeling... I'm not sure. Maybe it's because of certain choruses that haven't been getting out on time (due to poor management on my part).  I don't know.  It's like an itch deep inside, too far deep for me to itch properly.

Maybe it'll go away when I finally do something productive LOL.

Maybe.