The thing about breaks is that my mood always stabilizes during them because I just forget that there are other things in life other than the nice things. I lock myself with my tools and draw and animate and write and sing. I go out with friends. I forget.
And every time someone mentions school, I push it out of my thoughts. I keep it out, because I know just thinking about it will drag me back down. But eventually, I have to remember. I have to go back. And then my mood just plummets again.
And I'm not sure what to do. I'm having a difficult time understanding what it is that I'm dreading. Is it the inevitability of unwanted human interaction? Is it the knowledge that I have already been failing and that I'll be returning to a wreck of a ship and watching all the others push forward on their journeys? Or am I simply being so lazy that I drag myself down into depression without a legitimate purpose? (I doubt that last one.)
On another note, I hate how, when my mood has fallen, everything seems to hurt so much. Every bit that I am normally somewhat decent about, everything that I try to look at the bright side of, I can't.
Normally, I'm okay with seeing my friends do things without me. I don't really belong in any group, so I just sit at the edge and help out if I can. When they collab on fanfics together, I proofread and give advice. When they draw OCs being couples together, and form little OC roleplaying groups, I comment on the character design and the art and I might draw some fanart. When they go out, I'll take the pictures they post on Facebook and play around with photoshop. I do my best to try including myself to whatever extent they'll let me.
Right now, though, I feel so shitty, knowing that school is starting tomorrow and my friends have gone to place together and made OC groups and pairings during break, and I have sat in a room. By myself. There's so much resentment, and it's so painful. I don't want to feel this way towards them. They don't deserve it. I'm just being dumb.
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