What is commitment
What is keeping up a writing blog
What is being productive
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Mood Falling
The thing about breaks is that my mood always stabilizes during them because I just forget that there are other things in life other than the nice things. I lock myself with my tools and draw and animate and write and sing. I go out with friends. I forget.
And every time someone mentions school, I push it out of my thoughts. I keep it out, because I know just thinking about it will drag me back down. But eventually, I have to remember. I have to go back. And then my mood just plummets again.
And I'm not sure what to do. I'm having a difficult time understanding what it is that I'm dreading. Is it the inevitability of unwanted human interaction? Is it the knowledge that I have already been failing and that I'll be returning to a wreck of a ship and watching all the others push forward on their journeys? Or am I simply being so lazy that I drag myself down into depression without a legitimate purpose? (I doubt that last one.)
On another note, I hate how, when my mood has fallen, everything seems to hurt so much. Every bit that I am normally somewhat decent about, everything that I try to look at the bright side of, I can't.
Normally, I'm okay with seeing my friends do things without me. I don't really belong in any group, so I just sit at the edge and help out if I can. When they collab on fanfics together, I proofread and give advice. When they draw OCs being couples together, and form little OC roleplaying groups, I comment on the character design and the art and I might draw some fanart. When they go out, I'll take the pictures they post on Facebook and play around with photoshop. I do my best to try including myself to whatever extent they'll let me.
Right now, though, I feel so shitty, knowing that school is starting tomorrow and my friends have gone to place together and made OC groups and pairings during break, and I have sat in a room. By myself. There's so much resentment, and it's so painful. I don't want to feel this way towards them. They don't deserve it. I'm just being dumb.
And every time someone mentions school, I push it out of my thoughts. I keep it out, because I know just thinking about it will drag me back down. But eventually, I have to remember. I have to go back. And then my mood just plummets again.
And I'm not sure what to do. I'm having a difficult time understanding what it is that I'm dreading. Is it the inevitability of unwanted human interaction? Is it the knowledge that I have already been failing and that I'll be returning to a wreck of a ship and watching all the others push forward on their journeys? Or am I simply being so lazy that I drag myself down into depression without a legitimate purpose? (I doubt that last one.)
On another note, I hate how, when my mood has fallen, everything seems to hurt so much. Every bit that I am normally somewhat decent about, everything that I try to look at the bright side of, I can't.
Normally, I'm okay with seeing my friends do things without me. I don't really belong in any group, so I just sit at the edge and help out if I can. When they collab on fanfics together, I proofread and give advice. When they draw OCs being couples together, and form little OC roleplaying groups, I comment on the character design and the art and I might draw some fanart. When they go out, I'll take the pictures they post on Facebook and play around with photoshop. I do my best to try including myself to whatever extent they'll let me.
Right now, though, I feel so shitty, knowing that school is starting tomorrow and my friends have gone to place together and made OC groups and pairings during break, and I have sat in a room. By myself. There's so much resentment, and it's so painful. I don't want to feel this way towards them. They don't deserve it. I'm just being dumb.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
WIP Chibi Karin
I swear, I tried to go to bed early. Nevertheless, I couldn't sleep. At 6 AM, I resigned to my fate and tried to animate something on my phone. It's pretty shoddy and need some fixing up and smoothing out, but hey, at least I did a thing ahaha.
EDIT:: Uploaded the frames onto my computer and fixed the timing a little. Still needs smoothing out, though.
EDIT:: Uploaded the frames onto my computer and fixed the timing a little. Still needs smoothing out, though.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Color Quiz
So uh these things can say a lot about you (even if they're not 100%) so uh I'mma start putting these here (because hey, let's see if I can take the quiz again a few years down the line and look at the changes and similarities.)
So! Took this quiz here.
So! Took this quiz here.
Your Existing Situation
"Very emotional and artistic, enjoys being surrounded by beauty and art. Looking for a partner who always has an eye for beauty and who enjoys close, loving relationships."
Your Stress Sources
"Unfulfilled hopes have left her feeling uncertain and even a little fearful about the future. Needs to feel secure and avoid further disappointment; fears she will be looked over, lose her position, or lose respect. Has little hope that things will get better in time and her negative attitude leads her to place impossible demands on others or to compromise or bargain."
Your Restrained Characteristics
Her confidence is low but she is unable to admit that is the reason for her avoidance of conflict. Feels it is a situation out of her control and she is making the best of it.
Current events have her feeling forced to make bargains and put aside her own desires for now. she is able to find satisfaction and happiness through sexual activity.
Your Desired Objective
"Longs for a loving, caring, and supportive relationship, and fanaticizes of living in perfect harmony with others. Has a strong desire for tenderness and affection and enjoys things which are artistically pleasing to the eye."
Your Actual Problem
"Is disappointed and let down, feels there is no point in making new goals as they will leave her feeling the same way. Looking for friendly, pleasant relationships with others, who will further develop her intellect. she tries to escape into a fantasy world where things go her way and her desires are easier to reach."
Thursday, January 2, 2014
2014 New Year's 100 Resolutions
Ahaha I personally disliked these things because people usually made such a big deal about it and then they get disappointed upon breaking it. After all, why do we explicitly need the New Year's in order to make these things? But reading Eva's things is refreshing cuz she does it differently from other people. Hers is more like suggestions for improvement to herself that she reviews each year and change when necessary. It's not a "have to do it by New Year's" or a "must keep it up all year long". It's a "Let's try to do this this year!" with each year being just a marker. If not this year, then next year. And with that, there's less disappointments.
A lot of people feel like if they aren't strict on themselves, then things won't get done. They then see this "suggestions" method as lazy, while a stricter method is somehow less lazy. However, if you have to use force in order to push yourself moving, isn't that the true laziness? A suggestions type of thing like this... it eventually ingrains itself in the mind without limiting it, so the body is more willing. At least, that's how I feel. ...Actually, what I should be saying is, "Do whatever works for you; just don't say bad things about other people using other methods."
So! Gonna give this a try! ;u;
For 2014:
1. Get off my lazy bum and be more productive.
2. Draw more.
3. Sing more.
4. Get back to learning programming.
5. Write more.
6. Cook more.
7. Practice art technique, especially with those watercolors.
8. Practice singing technique, especially bridging the gap between head voice and chest voice.
9. Get back to learning piano.
10. Try to keep up with school work. School's hard right now with depression and anxiety and everything, but keep trying!
11. On that note: Be at school more often. You can't keep missing days just because your anxiety and depression are acting up.
12. Pay more attention to appearances (AKA: brush your hair before going to school, dummy.)
13. Stop chewing your nails so you can finally paint them.
14. Watch more anime.
15. Practice Chinese more (with who? No one speaks my dialect oops.)
16. Stop being as fearful about talking with friends. They don't bite.
17. Exercise more.
18. Start practicing kungfu at home.
19. Don't be on the computer as much.
20. Remember to stretch for carpal's tunnel.
21. Pay more attention to your health, especially that dang heartburn.
22. Try to sleep before 1 am.
23. Try to wake before noon.
24. Try to be with family more often.
25. Don't lock yourself in your room all the time. At least sit in the living room, if you can.
26. Hang out with friends more.
27. Don't be afraid of social interaction. Necessary for that previous one.
28. Bake more.
29. Make stuff for your friends. Seriously. Like cookies.
30. Get back into working with clay. Idk, go to a craft store and get some polymer clay or something.
31. Ask Dad to teach you some watercolor tricks. Or Grandpa.
32. Ask Dad or Grandpa for art tips in general.
33. Help Grandma in the kitchen more. Learn more about cooking.
34. Get out more.
35. Try to work on that fear that keeps you from sleeping.
36. Do at least some of your homework without needing your friend to get you to.
37. Focus on good things! Even small things!
38. Try not to be down as much ;w; Hard, and big words, I know. But try!
39. Learn how to take selfies dammit.
40. Read more.
41. Remember to take care of your skin! Little lotion goes a long way!
42. Try to take baths earlier in the day.
43. Eat less sugar.
44. Especially stop using snacks and sugar as a nervous crutch at school.
45. Stop that other nervous habit of biting on your hand. You might break skin and get blood one day.
46. Get back into animating.
47. Get back into video editing.
48. Especially do those ones you told your brother you were gonna do but never did.
49. Stop getting depressed about the past (as much). What happened happened, and there's nothing you can do to change it. What's best is to just forget and keep going. LET IT GOOOO-- (not sorry).
50. Man this is starting to get difficult ahaha. Work on your tummy!
51. Wear more shorts and skirts to school!
52. Take shorter showers.
53. Stop using the bathroom as a crutch. Your family's getting suspicious.
54. Clean your room more often.
55. Heckie, clean the house.
56. Clean your laptop ahaha.
57. Get back to learning to sew.
58. Get back to learning to knit.
59. Learn embroidery.
60. Work on your relationships with your family.
61. Work on your relationships with your friends.
62. Drink more water. Stay hydrated.
63. ...Start trying to dance, maybe?
64. Try to learn tennis, or at least batminton.
65. Work on your temper.
66. Try to be more responsible.
67. Do your own laundry danggit.
68. Curse less?
69. Work on your... what do they call it? motivation? Finish-up! There we go!
70. But yea, work on your motivation too.
71. Stop comparing yourself to other people. You are you and you are wonderful at being you.
72. Stop letting your family's words get to you. Even if they're family and they're supposed to be special, they're not so special that their words should have that much meaning. You are you, and they are them. They are other people, even if they are your family.
73. Work on your focus. V.important. You got distracted too many times to count while making this list (at least double digits thanks to Tumblr).
74. Work on lessening that fear of eye contact.
75. Be more confident in yourself.
76. Like yourself because you are you. You don't have to be Sarah or Rachel or Michelle or Sharon, because you are you.
77. Laugh more. Smile more.
78. Be happier.
79. ...I'm starting to get stuck. Draw more Pokemon?
80. Try to post some drawings on Tumblr.
81. Work on fixing up your Tumblr.
82. Organize your social web stuff ahaha like your blogs and your emails and such.
83. Keep up friendship with Karin and Lollia (girls trio yeee)
84. Keep up Pisces group chat.
85. Work on your stubbornness.
86. Wash the dishes ehehe.
87. Stop being so afraid of change ahaha at this point I'm just taking things from Eva's because Eva has nice ones that also apply to me.
88. Floss. Now /there's/ something.
89. Practice showing emotions. You need it.
90. Do that audio diary thing more. idc how. Get a soundcloud for it or something. It's good practice speaking, showing emotions through speech, and mixing.
91. Speaking of which, do more mixing.
92. OHYEAH. Get a solo cover out.
93. Try not to worry about things too much.
94. Try not to let hormones kill you too much. (It gets better after highschool. Promise.)
95. Ohey. almost done. Did I mention finish unfinished things. Cuz there's a lot. So yeah, finish those.
96. Learn some stuff about music. Try to write your own songs maybe ahaha.
97. ...Maybe learn to play guitar? Have I put this yet? (I feel like I have.)
98. Try curling or braiding your hair.
99. Don't hide behind your hair as much. ...My stomach is feeling sick just thinking about not being able to hide behind my hair oops. Well, we'll try to work on it.
100. Get a hair cut, once you get 99 done. Maybe cut it short.
...Wow, and more left over for next year! Niceee. ...of course, I BS'd a lot of it ahaha.
Eva ends hers with selfies, but I can't really take selfies? (I have some, I just can't take them on the spot oops. How to aim a camera.) But uhmm... Maybe I can end mine with a drawing of some kind!! First drawing of the year yes yes!
A lot of people feel like if they aren't strict on themselves, then things won't get done. They then see this "suggestions" method as lazy, while a stricter method is somehow less lazy. However, if you have to use force in order to push yourself moving, isn't that the true laziness? A suggestions type of thing like this... it eventually ingrains itself in the mind without limiting it, so the body is more willing. At least, that's how I feel. ...Actually, what I should be saying is, "Do whatever works for you; just don't say bad things about other people using other methods."
So! Gonna give this a try! ;u;
For 2014:
1. Get off my lazy bum and be more productive.
2. Draw more.
3. Sing more.
4. Get back to learning programming.
5. Write more.
6. Cook more.
7. Practice art technique, especially with those watercolors.
8. Practice singing technique, especially bridging the gap between head voice and chest voice.
9. Get back to learning piano.
10. Try to keep up with school work. School's hard right now with depression and anxiety and everything, but keep trying!
11. On that note: Be at school more often. You can't keep missing days just because your anxiety and depression are acting up.
12. Pay more attention to appearances (AKA: brush your hair before going to school, dummy.)
13. Stop chewing your nails so you can finally paint them.
14. Watch more anime.
15. Practice Chinese more (with who? No one speaks my dialect oops.)
16. Stop being as fearful about talking with friends. They don't bite.
17. Exercise more.
18. Start practicing kungfu at home.
19. Don't be on the computer as much.
20. Remember to stretch for carpal's tunnel.
21. Pay more attention to your health, especially that dang heartburn.
22. Try to sleep before 1 am.
23. Try to wake before noon.
24. Try to be with family more often.
25. Don't lock yourself in your room all the time. At least sit in the living room, if you can.
26. Hang out with friends more.
27. Don't be afraid of social interaction. Necessary for that previous one.
28. Bake more.
29. Make stuff for your friends. Seriously. Like cookies.
30. Get back into working with clay. Idk, go to a craft store and get some polymer clay or something.
31. Ask Dad to teach you some watercolor tricks. Or Grandpa.
32. Ask Dad or Grandpa for art tips in general.
33. Help Grandma in the kitchen more. Learn more about cooking.
34. Get out more.
35. Try to work on that fear that keeps you from sleeping.
36. Do at least some of your homework without needing your friend to get you to.
37. Focus on good things! Even small things!
38. Try not to be down as much ;w; Hard, and big words, I know. But try!
39. Learn how to take selfies dammit.
40. Read more.
41. Remember to take care of your skin! Little lotion goes a long way!
42. Try to take baths earlier in the day.
43. Eat less sugar.
44. Especially stop using snacks and sugar as a nervous crutch at school.
45. Stop that other nervous habit of biting on your hand. You might break skin and get blood one day.
46. Get back into animating.
47. Get back into video editing.
48. Especially do those ones you told your brother you were gonna do but never did.
49. Stop getting depressed about the past (as much). What happened happened, and there's nothing you can do to change it. What's best is to just forget and keep going. LET IT GOOOO-- (not sorry).
50. Man this is starting to get difficult ahaha. Work on your tummy!
51. Wear more shorts and skirts to school!
52. Take shorter showers.
53. Stop using the bathroom as a crutch. Your family's getting suspicious.
54. Clean your room more often.
55. Heckie, clean the house.
56. Clean your laptop ahaha.
57. Get back to learning to sew.
58. Get back to learning to knit.
59. Learn embroidery.
60. Work on your relationships with your family.
61. Work on your relationships with your friends.
62. Drink more water. Stay hydrated.
63. ...Start trying to dance, maybe?
64. Try to learn tennis, or at least batminton.
65. Work on your temper.
66. Try to be more responsible.
67. Do your own laundry danggit.
68. Curse less?
69. Work on your... what do they call it? motivation? Finish-up! There we go!
70. But yea, work on your motivation too.
71. Stop comparing yourself to other people. You are you and you are wonderful at being you.
72. Stop letting your family's words get to you. Even if they're family and they're supposed to be special, they're not so special that their words should have that much meaning. You are you, and they are them. They are other people, even if they are your family.
73. Work on your focus. V.important. You got distracted too many times to count while making this list (at least double digits thanks to Tumblr).
74. Work on lessening that fear of eye contact.
75. Be more confident in yourself.
76. Like yourself because you are you. You don't have to be Sarah or Rachel or Michelle or Sharon, because you are you.
77. Laugh more. Smile more.
78. Be happier.
79. ...I'm starting to get stuck. Draw more Pokemon?
80. Try to post some drawings on Tumblr.
81. Work on fixing up your Tumblr.
82. Organize your social web stuff ahaha like your blogs and your emails and such.
83. Keep up friendship with Karin and Lollia (girls trio yeee)
84. Keep up Pisces group chat.
85. Work on your stubbornness.
86. Wash the dishes ehehe.
87. Stop being so afraid of change ahaha at this point I'm just taking things from Eva's because Eva has nice ones that also apply to me.
88. Floss. Now /there's/ something.
89. Practice showing emotions. You need it.
90. Do that audio diary thing more. idc how. Get a soundcloud for it or something. It's good practice speaking, showing emotions through speech, and mixing.
91. Speaking of which, do more mixing.
92. OHYEAH. Get a solo cover out.
93. Try not to worry about things too much.
94. Try not to let hormones kill you too much. (It gets better after highschool. Promise.)
95. Ohey. almost done. Did I mention finish unfinished things. Cuz there's a lot. So yeah, finish those.
96. Learn some stuff about music. Try to write your own songs maybe ahaha.
97. ...Maybe learn to play guitar? Have I put this yet? (I feel like I have.)
98. Try curling or braiding your hair.
99. Don't hide behind your hair as much. ...My stomach is feeling sick just thinking about not being able to hide behind my hair oops. Well, we'll try to work on it.
100. Get a hair cut, once you get 99 done. Maybe cut it short.
...Wow, and more left over for next year! Niceee. ...of course, I BS'd a lot of it ahaha.
Eva ends hers with selfies, but I can't really take selfies? (I have some, I just can't take them on the spot oops. How to aim a camera.) But uhmm... Maybe I can end mine with a drawing of some kind!! First drawing of the year yes yes!
Adventurers Without a Map
I was thinking about this one comment I made on Eva's post about how the way we're living our lives and such compared to everyone else is similar to adventurers without a map.
Because if we look all around us, everyone's got all these big dreams and plans on how to get there. Doctors and lawyers with paths of AP classes and Ivy league schools, actors and singers who plan on making a mark. Adventurers following maps towards dangerous territories searching for lost treasures.
And despite all urgings to follow that path, the well-beaten path that's on every map leading to this dangerous land and bountiful treasures and tales of success for the now-common hero, I don't want that.
I just want a small adventure with friends, in which I don't have to brave harsh colds or deserts. I don't want to put myself in classes or schools that I don't like just because they're big-name. I want to chase after rainbows and have picnics, in which there might be a small treasure or two.
I want to travel without having to adhere to this path that I know will be dangerous and that I know every step of. And if I make it to that dangerous land even without a map? Fine. If I don't, and I find some kind of small treasure that I can live off of? Just as well.
And hey, it's p.damn true.
Because if we look all around us, everyone's got all these big dreams and plans on how to get there. Doctors and lawyers with paths of AP classes and Ivy league schools, actors and singers who plan on making a mark. Adventurers following maps towards dangerous territories searching for lost treasures.
And despite all urgings to follow that path, the well-beaten path that's on every map leading to this dangerous land and bountiful treasures and tales of success for the now-common hero, I don't want that.
I don't want any of the danger. I don't need that much fame or treasure.
I just want a small adventure with friends, in which I don't have to brave harsh colds or deserts. I don't want to put myself in classes or schools that I don't like just because they're big-name. I want to chase after rainbows and have picnics, in which there might be a small treasure or two.
I want to travel without having to adhere to this path that I know will be dangerous and that I know every step of. And if I make it to that dangerous land even without a map? Fine. If I don't, and I find some kind of small treasure that I can live off of? Just as well.
Because I don't need a map to have an adventure.
I've been suicidal multiple times before.
Isn't the fact that I'm still alive and living nice enough?
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