Two days until the new year! Figured I should go over my resolutions for this year and see how well I did!
I've changed a lot this year, going through therapy and learning how to better myself. I feel a heckton better about everything, so it's kinda funny reading my 2014 New Year's post. What a grouch LOL.
Anyways! For 2014!
Monday, December 29, 2014
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Busy Back to School
So this is gonna be a pretty short post, since it's fuck-thirty in the morning and I got school.
It's currently my... 4th week? of school. I'm... honestly really tired and having trouble keeping up. But I think I've been doing well in keeping myself up.
There was an assembly today with guest motivational speaker Houston Kraft. I'll be making a post about that later hopefully.
I just wanted to mention, though, my physics teacher. He told us that he was forced to take a class on speech when becoming a teacher, and that he wasn't allowed to say ums and uhs. Therefore, we shouldn't either. He even has a little buzzer with tiny stars painted on and everything.
So he's calling us by pulling cards at random. He even shuffles the cards back into the deck after, so it's possible to be called on multiple times in a row. It's very suspenseful and nerve wrecking.
In any case, I was called on. After giving my answer, he stated that my reply had been the most eloquent all day. That's already a pretty big deal. This was the last period of the day. Even better.
Anyways, like I said, it's morning, I'm sick, I need sleep.
It's currently my... 4th week? of school. I'm... honestly really tired and having trouble keeping up. But I think I've been doing well in keeping myself up.
There was an assembly today with guest motivational speaker Houston Kraft. I'll be making a post about that later hopefully.
I just wanted to mention, though, my physics teacher. He told us that he was forced to take a class on speech when becoming a teacher, and that he wasn't allowed to say ums and uhs. Therefore, we shouldn't either. He even has a little buzzer with tiny stars painted on and everything.
So he's calling us by pulling cards at random. He even shuffles the cards back into the deck after, so it's possible to be called on multiple times in a row. It's very suspenseful and nerve wrecking.
In any case, I was called on. After giving my answer, he stated that my reply had been the most eloquent all day. That's already a pretty big deal. This was the last period of the day. Even better.
Anyways, like I said, it's morning, I'm sick, I need sleep.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Triggers
So, Tumblr has this thing about triggers.
Where half of Tumblr doesn't know what triggers are so they think everything is a trigger.
And the other half is convinced that triggers don't even exist.
(Okay, I'm exaggerating. There are people who actually understand what triggers are and such and can treat the topic in a respectful manner.)
And so I've seen lists before. About how triggers DO NOT make you angry, DO NOT merely upset you, and all this other stuff (that makes me wonder but, y'know.)
The point of this is that my therapist and I recently realized that I can't tell when I'm being triggered. Or at least, it's really difficult for me to. It's not so much realized that fact itself as we realized that it happened. Except my therapist is there to help me this time around. We kind of already knew that I would have difficulties sensing when I'm triggered.
I suppose it's because one of the symptoms of my depression is isolating myself. That means cutting myself off from emotions, responsibilities... in a sense, reality. Of course, it's pretty much impossible to cut ties with reality, because you're alive and time continues whether you acknowledge it or not, which, I guess, is where the suicidal idealization and desires to disappear came in.
One of the key things that I had to remember pulling myself out of it is that I will be okay even if I don't accomplish my responsibilities the way I, or anyone else, wanted me to. I'll still live even if I turn in my homework late, and that I shouldn't feel guilty. It's okay for me to accept responsibilities and then complete them in my own way. And it's okay for me to feel certain emotions, and that I shouldn't feel guilty for any of those either. My emotions and my way of completing responsibilities are what makes me me, and I should not feel ashamed of either of them.
That being said, neither of us are completely sure what triggered me, as I didn't catch it until she pointed it out. However, we're pretty sure I'm isolating myself due to being overwhelmed by a number of simultaneous triggers. And it's true that there's a lot happening in a relatively short amount of time. I'm kinda disgruntled because that doesn't give me any hints on identifying them.
I was honestly surprised when she pointed out that I had been triggered. I had expected a trigger to be something that hits me on the head and leaves me crying. It had crept up on me like a leech, in the same way my depression originally began, to be honest. From this experience, I'm guessing that triggers for mental illness is like when a physical illness relapses. You're on the road to recovery, or maybe it feels like you've already recovered, when something causes you to return to your ill state. It's different depend on what you're sick with and what you, your body and mind, are like, but it certainly doesn't mean something that upsets or angers or saddens you. It's something that causes you to become incapable of functioning properly.
Where half of Tumblr doesn't know what triggers are so they think everything is a trigger.
And the other half is convinced that triggers don't even exist.
(Okay, I'm exaggerating. There are people who actually understand what triggers are and such and can treat the topic in a respectful manner.)
And so I've seen lists before. About how triggers DO NOT make you angry, DO NOT merely upset you, and all this other stuff (that makes me wonder but, y'know.)
The point of this is that my therapist and I recently realized that I can't tell when I'm being triggered. Or at least, it's really difficult for me to. It's not so much realized that fact itself as we realized that it happened. Except my therapist is there to help me this time around. We kind of already knew that I would have difficulties sensing when I'm triggered.
I suppose it's because one of the symptoms of my depression is isolating myself. That means cutting myself off from emotions, responsibilities... in a sense, reality. Of course, it's pretty much impossible to cut ties with reality, because you're alive and time continues whether you acknowledge it or not, which, I guess, is where the suicidal idealization and desires to disappear came in.
One of the key things that I had to remember pulling myself out of it is that I will be okay even if I don't accomplish my responsibilities the way I, or anyone else, wanted me to. I'll still live even if I turn in my homework late, and that I shouldn't feel guilty. It's okay for me to accept responsibilities and then complete them in my own way. And it's okay for me to feel certain emotions, and that I shouldn't feel guilty for any of those either. My emotions and my way of completing responsibilities are what makes me me, and I should not feel ashamed of either of them.
That being said, neither of us are completely sure what triggered me, as I didn't catch it until she pointed it out. However, we're pretty sure I'm isolating myself due to being overwhelmed by a number of simultaneous triggers. And it's true that there's a lot happening in a relatively short amount of time. I'm kinda disgruntled because that doesn't give me any hints on identifying them.
I was honestly surprised when she pointed out that I had been triggered. I had expected a trigger to be something that hits me on the head and leaves me crying. It had crept up on me like a leech, in the same way my depression originally began, to be honest. From this experience, I'm guessing that triggers for mental illness is like when a physical illness relapses. You're on the road to recovery, or maybe it feels like you've already recovered, when something causes you to return to your ill state. It's different depend on what you're sick with and what you, your body and mind, are like, but it certainly doesn't mean something that upsets or angers or saddens you. It's something that causes you to become incapable of functioning properly.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Orientation Issues
I'm feeling a lot better about myself (and I have irl friends now), but that leads me to another issue. I'm emotionally stable, so I can start thinking about things that might've been too much for me back when I was still struggling to keep myself emotionally stable. And this includes thinking about which parts of me would be accepted by others and which parts I'd have to do a bit more explaining about. This is pretty much just going to be another rant in which I have too many thoughts and not enough words. Please also note that I'm still a confused teen about halfway through highschool and trying to figure out herself and the world.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Feelings about Romantic Orientation Representation in Literature
AKA I went out to the library today, and managed to catch that feeling of I-Haven't-Been-Out-In-A-While-and-Forgot-How-Many-Things-I-Hate-About-Society. And now I need to rant.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Spiritual Profile
So this isn't really a personality test type thing, but it kinda is I guess??
I took this thing here.
Western Astrology:
Star Sign: Pisces (The Two Fish)
Element: Water (Emotions)
Planet: Jupiter (Temperate)
Chinese Astrology:
Zodiac: Tiger (The Sensitive)
Element: Earth
Yin-Yang Symbol: Yang
Celtic/Druid Astrology, Numerology, and Colorolgy(?):
Zodiac: Lime Tree (The Doubter)
Divine Number: 6 (The Diplomat)
Divine Color: Lime (The Loyal)
Birthday Divination:
Birthstone: Aquamarine (Diplomacy)
Season: Winter
Day of the Week: Thursday
I'll see if I can try to do an analysis of this later. Y'know, when it's not almost 1 in the morning.
I took this thing here.
Western Astrology:
Star Sign: Pisces (The Two Fish)
Element: Water (Emotions)
Planet: Jupiter (Temperate)
Chinese Astrology:
Zodiac: Tiger (The Sensitive)
Element: Earth
Yin-Yang Symbol: Yang
Celtic/Druid Astrology, Numerology, and Colorolgy(?):
Zodiac: Lime Tree (The Doubter)
Divine Number: 6 (The Diplomat)
Divine Color: Lime (The Loyal)
Birthday Divination:
Birthstone: Aquamarine (Diplomacy)
Season: Winter
Day of the Week: Thursday
I'll see if I can try to do an analysis of this later. Y'know, when it's not almost 1 in the morning.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Wandering Thoughts (as I try not to get out of bed)
Updates on my life first before I get all deep on y'all. I've been seeing a therapist, and I think I've been doing better. She thinks I'm doing better too. Currently part of a group project with someone who's not too fond of me.
As I laid in bed this morning, I realized that I do have a lot of what it takes to be a leader. I try to include everyone's opinions. I am able to contact the teacher for further instructions or for extensions in deadlines if necessary, speaking on behalf of my group. I can arrange meetings and organize meeting dates and information. But what I can't seem to do is get the group to actively work. I'm unable to boost morale. I can contact the group members, asking for their opinions all I want. If they won't answer, then it's no good. I can organize meetings and information documents all I want. If my teammates refuse to be productive at these meetings, it's no use. And in the end, I always get to an ending where my absence causes the group to fall. And I'm not sure what to do anymore.
I really wish that someone could step up and take the reins from me for a little while, let me have a breather. No matter which class I get the group project in, I seem to always be seen as the leader. And I enjoy being needed, I enjoy taking charge and feeling the productivity. However, it gets a bit ridiculous when there isn't really productivity. And I'm trying my best, but it's so disheartening knowing that I'm in a group with people who do not wish to cooperate with me, who refuse to answer to my messages and refuse to give me their contact info.
And I think a good part of this is because I'm just the type that people prefer not listening to. I tend to ramble and I'm emotionally weak to the point that I can be taken advantage of easily. I talk like a dork, especially since I have a slight accent. And I think I'm a little too earnest for people to handle ahaha Apathy and indifference seems to be the more likeable aspect nowadays.
And a leader is no good if they have nothing. A leader whose group refuses to listen to them isn't a leader.
My mind then wandered to the fact that I haven't really changed. Even when I was 4 or 5, I was more of the loner type. I played with others just fine, but I was never really sought out. I've been told that my teacher worried, seeing as how I was mostly with her or by myself. I liked sitting in the book corner and reading on my own, playing with clay and paints by myself.
I remember this time in kindergarten where I was sitting in the book corner as everyone else was doing whatever, and I read The Giving Tree. And I cried. I cried because of how sad it was. The tree had given everything to the boy, and the boy gave nothing in return. I thought the tree was so nice and was happy up until the later parts of the book, in which the tree gave up its everything and I realized that the boy would grow up and die and the tree would still be there. (I have a feeling that I thought too much when I was a kid.) I still cry thinking about that book.
One of these days, I'll get out my 5th grade journal and type some of it up (along with analysis and commentary), just because it amuses me how similar I am to my past. (And I can't think of a proper conclusion, so I'm just leaving this here)
As I laid in bed this morning, I realized that I do have a lot of what it takes to be a leader. I try to include everyone's opinions. I am able to contact the teacher for further instructions or for extensions in deadlines if necessary, speaking on behalf of my group. I can arrange meetings and organize meeting dates and information. But what I can't seem to do is get the group to actively work. I'm unable to boost morale. I can contact the group members, asking for their opinions all I want. If they won't answer, then it's no good. I can organize meetings and information documents all I want. If my teammates refuse to be productive at these meetings, it's no use. And in the end, I always get to an ending where my absence causes the group to fall. And I'm not sure what to do anymore.
I really wish that someone could step up and take the reins from me for a little while, let me have a breather. No matter which class I get the group project in, I seem to always be seen as the leader. And I enjoy being needed, I enjoy taking charge and feeling the productivity. However, it gets a bit ridiculous when there isn't really productivity. And I'm trying my best, but it's so disheartening knowing that I'm in a group with people who do not wish to cooperate with me, who refuse to answer to my messages and refuse to give me their contact info.
And I think a good part of this is because I'm just the type that people prefer not listening to. I tend to ramble and I'm emotionally weak to the point that I can be taken advantage of easily. I talk like a dork, especially since I have a slight accent. And I think I'm a little too earnest for people to handle ahaha Apathy and indifference seems to be the more likeable aspect nowadays.
And a leader is no good if they have nothing. A leader whose group refuses to listen to them isn't a leader.
My mind then wandered to the fact that I haven't really changed. Even when I was 4 or 5, I was more of the loner type. I played with others just fine, but I was never really sought out. I've been told that my teacher worried, seeing as how I was mostly with her or by myself. I liked sitting in the book corner and reading on my own, playing with clay and paints by myself.
I remember this time in kindergarten where I was sitting in the book corner as everyone else was doing whatever, and I read The Giving Tree. And I cried. I cried because of how sad it was. The tree had given everything to the boy, and the boy gave nothing in return. I thought the tree was so nice and was happy up until the later parts of the book, in which the tree gave up its everything and I realized that the boy would grow up and die and the tree would still be there. (I have a feeling that I thought too much when I was a kid.) I still cry thinking about that book.
One of these days, I'll get out my 5th grade journal and type some of it up (along with analysis and commentary), just because it amuses me how similar I am to my past. (And I can't think of a proper conclusion, so I'm just leaving this here)
Friday, February 21, 2014
Motivational Assembly (with guest speaker Keith Hawkins)
Warning: This is a 2am post.
Today, we had a motivational assembly at school in honor of February being black history month. Keith Hawkins came in as a guest speaker, and he seems pretty cool and funny, I guess, but a lot of his words weren't really hitting it for me.
The two big things that most students probably remembered from the assembly were "It's not about the IQ, it's about the I Will." and "The biggest room in the world is the room for improvement." Makes sense, since those two were the catchiest things he said.
I think part of why I wasn't really affected by his speech was because of his speaking style. It's always nice hearing someone speak in a relaxed, informal way. However, his delivery kind of smothered some of the message in my opinion. I'm not sure if it was only me or if others also felt that way, though.
He touches upon a lot of things, although I wish he went into more details on some things more than other things. He touched upon the fact that, even if doing drugs is bad, we shouldn't look down upon people who use drugs, and that people can fall and get back up. However, he didn't really go into detail on that part, which I felt was a shame. I feel like nowadays, with society pushing the idea that the top is where we want to be, we're starting to see the bottom in a really harsh light. And that upsets me, because I want to believe that, despite the fact that I've fallen, I can climb back up again. I'm not entirely worthless despite being at the bottom currently.
A good portion of the speech was spent on the fact that we are all family and we should all love each other. He stated, "I don't have to know you to love you." I wondered then if he should've gone over the different types of love, since I feel like people don't really understand that. When I say platonic love, a lot of people look at me like I've grown multiple heads. Of course we all need love. Does it have to be romantic love? Of course not. I've said that, I've said that if I have love from family and friends then everything is fine, and they tell me, "No! It's not the same!" Of course it's not the same. And it shouldn't. Maybe I don't want romantic love. Is that okay? Of course it is.
He stated that we should all love each other and a bunch of other warm fluffy junk along the same topic. And I kind of disagree with that. We shouldn't dislike based on stereotypes, race, skin color, whatever. However, there are still things that we dislike, such as twitchy legs or certain voice types that just rub us wrong. Are we allowed to have dislikes? I think so. Should we let it get in the way, turning into some kind of odd hate with no base? Uh, no. Hate is p.bad, but dislikes, in my opinion, are what makes us human.
However, he also pointed out that a lot of other mushy junk said by other speakers is also ineffective. I think my favorite part was, "Do you really want me to stand here and yell things like 'YEA! BE POSITIVE!' I think your teachers there would look at me like 'Be positive? Be positive?! What does that even mean?!'" He then went on a tangent about how "be positive" is not what's going to help us through school. We can't turn in blank sheets of paper and reply to the teacher with, "I was being positive!" He yelled out to end the tangent with, "But no really! What does 'BE POSITIVE' even mean?! Is that a blood type or something?!"
Anyways, it's 2 in the morning, this is all I remember, and I should be sleeping since I have a test first period tomorrow morning.
Today, we had a motivational assembly at school in honor of February being black history month. Keith Hawkins came in as a guest speaker, and he seems pretty cool and funny, I guess, but a lot of his words weren't really hitting it for me.
The two big things that most students probably remembered from the assembly were "It's not about the IQ, it's about the I Will." and "The biggest room in the world is the room for improvement." Makes sense, since those two were the catchiest things he said.
I think part of why I wasn't really affected by his speech was because of his speaking style. It's always nice hearing someone speak in a relaxed, informal way. However, his delivery kind of smothered some of the message in my opinion. I'm not sure if it was only me or if others also felt that way, though.
He touches upon a lot of things, although I wish he went into more details on some things more than other things. He touched upon the fact that, even if doing drugs is bad, we shouldn't look down upon people who use drugs, and that people can fall and get back up. However, he didn't really go into detail on that part, which I felt was a shame. I feel like nowadays, with society pushing the idea that the top is where we want to be, we're starting to see the bottom in a really harsh light. And that upsets me, because I want to believe that, despite the fact that I've fallen, I can climb back up again. I'm not entirely worthless despite being at the bottom currently.
A good portion of the speech was spent on the fact that we are all family and we should all love each other. He stated, "I don't have to know you to love you." I wondered then if he should've gone over the different types of love, since I feel like people don't really understand that. When I say platonic love, a lot of people look at me like I've grown multiple heads. Of course we all need love. Does it have to be romantic love? Of course not. I've said that, I've said that if I have love from family and friends then everything is fine, and they tell me, "No! It's not the same!" Of course it's not the same. And it shouldn't. Maybe I don't want romantic love. Is that okay? Of course it is.
He stated that we should all love each other and a bunch of other warm fluffy junk along the same topic. And I kind of disagree with that. We shouldn't dislike based on stereotypes, race, skin color, whatever. However, there are still things that we dislike, such as twitchy legs or certain voice types that just rub us wrong. Are we allowed to have dislikes? I think so. Should we let it get in the way, turning into some kind of odd hate with no base? Uh, no. Hate is p.bad, but dislikes, in my opinion, are what makes us human.
However, he also pointed out that a lot of other mushy junk said by other speakers is also ineffective. I think my favorite part was, "Do you really want me to stand here and yell things like 'YEA! BE POSITIVE!' I think your teachers there would look at me like 'Be positive? Be positive?! What does that even mean?!'" He then went on a tangent about how "be positive" is not what's going to help us through school. We can't turn in blank sheets of paper and reply to the teacher with, "I was being positive!" He yelled out to end the tangent with, "But no really! What does 'BE POSITIVE' even mean?! Is that a blood type or something?!"
Anyways, it's 2 in the morning, this is all I remember, and I should be sleeping since I have a test first period tomorrow morning.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
10 Good Things About Myself
My therapist wanted me to do something like this, so I decided to put it here anyways and hopefully this will boost my self-esteem a little maybe.
- I am pretty decent at organizing when I put my mind to it. Things like making lists, summarizing points of action and available tools, putting together resources and stuff.
- I am a decent writer, I guess. At the very least, my grammar is good.
- I am a decent cook? At the very least, I can make things without burning the kitchen or anything like that.
- I am pretty decent at analysis, I suppose? Self-analysis, book analysis, character analysis...
- I can type quickly. I hope that counts.
- I am responsible enough to remember to shower daily, even if it's not at the most appropriate times (1 in the morning, anyone?). I feel like this should be on the list for whatever reason.
- My therapist told me that if I get stuck, I should start putting things other people say about me? So uh my friend Kevin gave me this list: "pretty, nice, funny, smart, artistic, caring, friendly, humble, tolerant, sincere".
- My mom says I'm a good sister.
- I am a decent singer, I suppose? I've been told that I have a nice, soothing voice and that I can very easily put others to sleep.
- I really want to create. (There's also a lot of destructive tendencies in me but let's just focus on that for now.) I really like making things, and I want to learn to make more things. Let's just casually devote another post for that later, shall we?
Monday, February 10, 2014
Lee's Writing Resources
Since Blogger was being a snooty meany to me earlier, I decided to try making the writing resource list on Google Drive! So uh here's a link for anyone who wants it. I might also do one for drawing, and possibly others if I feel like it. Making lists will either calm me or get on my nerves, depending on my mood ahahaha.
Writing Notes 1
Alright, putting a 1 there because I know for a fact that I'll have more collected in the future. Besides, this is p.much just a post for everything that I know that could help Eva, since she's starting screenwriting! Uh, keep in mind that there's gonna be a lot of repetitive stuff since it's me typing this and you probably know a lot of this already, and this is all just from what I know and so it might not work for everyone, and it might not even be correct, but uh yeah.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
I am trying not to pay attention to the fact that I have finals for my two least favorite classes tomorrow
What is commitment
What is keeping up a writing blog
What is being productive
What is keeping up a writing blog
What is being productive
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Mood Falling
The thing about breaks is that my mood always stabilizes during them because I just forget that there are other things in life other than the nice things. I lock myself with my tools and draw and animate and write and sing. I go out with friends. I forget.
And every time someone mentions school, I push it out of my thoughts. I keep it out, because I know just thinking about it will drag me back down. But eventually, I have to remember. I have to go back. And then my mood just plummets again.
And I'm not sure what to do. I'm having a difficult time understanding what it is that I'm dreading. Is it the inevitability of unwanted human interaction? Is it the knowledge that I have already been failing and that I'll be returning to a wreck of a ship and watching all the others push forward on their journeys? Or am I simply being so lazy that I drag myself down into depression without a legitimate purpose? (I doubt that last one.)
On another note, I hate how, when my mood has fallen, everything seems to hurt so much. Every bit that I am normally somewhat decent about, everything that I try to look at the bright side of, I can't.
Normally, I'm okay with seeing my friends do things without me. I don't really belong in any group, so I just sit at the edge and help out if I can. When they collab on fanfics together, I proofread and give advice. When they draw OCs being couples together, and form little OC roleplaying groups, I comment on the character design and the art and I might draw some fanart. When they go out, I'll take the pictures they post on Facebook and play around with photoshop. I do my best to try including myself to whatever extent they'll let me.
Right now, though, I feel so shitty, knowing that school is starting tomorrow and my friends have gone to place together and made OC groups and pairings during break, and I have sat in a room. By myself. There's so much resentment, and it's so painful. I don't want to feel this way towards them. They don't deserve it. I'm just being dumb.
And every time someone mentions school, I push it out of my thoughts. I keep it out, because I know just thinking about it will drag me back down. But eventually, I have to remember. I have to go back. And then my mood just plummets again.
And I'm not sure what to do. I'm having a difficult time understanding what it is that I'm dreading. Is it the inevitability of unwanted human interaction? Is it the knowledge that I have already been failing and that I'll be returning to a wreck of a ship and watching all the others push forward on their journeys? Or am I simply being so lazy that I drag myself down into depression without a legitimate purpose? (I doubt that last one.)
On another note, I hate how, when my mood has fallen, everything seems to hurt so much. Every bit that I am normally somewhat decent about, everything that I try to look at the bright side of, I can't.
Normally, I'm okay with seeing my friends do things without me. I don't really belong in any group, so I just sit at the edge and help out if I can. When they collab on fanfics together, I proofread and give advice. When they draw OCs being couples together, and form little OC roleplaying groups, I comment on the character design and the art and I might draw some fanart. When they go out, I'll take the pictures they post on Facebook and play around with photoshop. I do my best to try including myself to whatever extent they'll let me.
Right now, though, I feel so shitty, knowing that school is starting tomorrow and my friends have gone to place together and made OC groups and pairings during break, and I have sat in a room. By myself. There's so much resentment, and it's so painful. I don't want to feel this way towards them. They don't deserve it. I'm just being dumb.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
WIP Chibi Karin
I swear, I tried to go to bed early. Nevertheless, I couldn't sleep. At 6 AM, I resigned to my fate and tried to animate something on my phone. It's pretty shoddy and need some fixing up and smoothing out, but hey, at least I did a thing ahaha.
EDIT:: Uploaded the frames onto my computer and fixed the timing a little. Still needs smoothing out, though.
EDIT:: Uploaded the frames onto my computer and fixed the timing a little. Still needs smoothing out, though.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Color Quiz
So uh these things can say a lot about you (even if they're not 100%) so uh I'mma start putting these here (because hey, let's see if I can take the quiz again a few years down the line and look at the changes and similarities.)
So! Took this quiz here.
So! Took this quiz here.
Your Existing Situation
"Very emotional and artistic, enjoys being surrounded by beauty and art. Looking for a partner who always has an eye for beauty and who enjoys close, loving relationships."
Your Stress Sources
"Unfulfilled hopes have left her feeling uncertain and even a little fearful about the future. Needs to feel secure and avoid further disappointment; fears she will be looked over, lose her position, or lose respect. Has little hope that things will get better in time and her negative attitude leads her to place impossible demands on others or to compromise or bargain."
Your Restrained Characteristics
Her confidence is low but she is unable to admit that is the reason for her avoidance of conflict. Feels it is a situation out of her control and she is making the best of it.
Current events have her feeling forced to make bargains and put aside her own desires for now. she is able to find satisfaction and happiness through sexual activity.
Your Desired Objective
"Longs for a loving, caring, and supportive relationship, and fanaticizes of living in perfect harmony with others. Has a strong desire for tenderness and affection and enjoys things which are artistically pleasing to the eye."
Your Actual Problem
"Is disappointed and let down, feels there is no point in making new goals as they will leave her feeling the same way. Looking for friendly, pleasant relationships with others, who will further develop her intellect. she tries to escape into a fantasy world where things go her way and her desires are easier to reach."
Thursday, January 2, 2014
2014 New Year's 100 Resolutions
Ahaha I personally disliked these things because people usually made such a big deal about it and then they get disappointed upon breaking it. After all, why do we explicitly need the New Year's in order to make these things? But reading Eva's things is refreshing cuz she does it differently from other people. Hers is more like suggestions for improvement to herself that she reviews each year and change when necessary. It's not a "have to do it by New Year's" or a "must keep it up all year long". It's a "Let's try to do this this year!" with each year being just a marker. If not this year, then next year. And with that, there's less disappointments.
A lot of people feel like if they aren't strict on themselves, then things won't get done. They then see this "suggestions" method as lazy, while a stricter method is somehow less lazy. However, if you have to use force in order to push yourself moving, isn't that the true laziness? A suggestions type of thing like this... it eventually ingrains itself in the mind without limiting it, so the body is more willing. At least, that's how I feel. ...Actually, what I should be saying is, "Do whatever works for you; just don't say bad things about other people using other methods."
So! Gonna give this a try! ;u;
For 2014:
1. Get off my lazy bum and be more productive.
2. Draw more.
3. Sing more.
4. Get back to learning programming.
5. Write more.
6. Cook more.
7. Practice art technique, especially with those watercolors.
8. Practice singing technique, especially bridging the gap between head voice and chest voice.
9. Get back to learning piano.
10. Try to keep up with school work. School's hard right now with depression and anxiety and everything, but keep trying!
11. On that note: Be at school more often. You can't keep missing days just because your anxiety and depression are acting up.
12. Pay more attention to appearances (AKA: brush your hair before going to school, dummy.)
13. Stop chewing your nails so you can finally paint them.
14. Watch more anime.
15. Practice Chinese more (with who? No one speaks my dialect oops.)
16. Stop being as fearful about talking with friends. They don't bite.
17. Exercise more.
18. Start practicing kungfu at home.
19. Don't be on the computer as much.
20. Remember to stretch for carpal's tunnel.
21. Pay more attention to your health, especially that dang heartburn.
22. Try to sleep before 1 am.
23. Try to wake before noon.
24. Try to be with family more often.
25. Don't lock yourself in your room all the time. At least sit in the living room, if you can.
26. Hang out with friends more.
27. Don't be afraid of social interaction. Necessary for that previous one.
28. Bake more.
29. Make stuff for your friends. Seriously. Like cookies.
30. Get back into working with clay. Idk, go to a craft store and get some polymer clay or something.
31. Ask Dad to teach you some watercolor tricks. Or Grandpa.
32. Ask Dad or Grandpa for art tips in general.
33. Help Grandma in the kitchen more. Learn more about cooking.
34. Get out more.
35. Try to work on that fear that keeps you from sleeping.
36. Do at least some of your homework without needing your friend to get you to.
37. Focus on good things! Even small things!
38. Try not to be down as much ;w; Hard, and big words, I know. But try!
39. Learn how to take selfies dammit.
40. Read more.
41. Remember to take care of your skin! Little lotion goes a long way!
42. Try to take baths earlier in the day.
43. Eat less sugar.
44. Especially stop using snacks and sugar as a nervous crutch at school.
45. Stop that other nervous habit of biting on your hand. You might break skin and get blood one day.
46. Get back into animating.
47. Get back into video editing.
48. Especially do those ones you told your brother you were gonna do but never did.
49. Stop getting depressed about the past (as much). What happened happened, and there's nothing you can do to change it. What's best is to just forget and keep going. LET IT GOOOO-- (not sorry).
50. Man this is starting to get difficult ahaha. Work on your tummy!
51. Wear more shorts and skirts to school!
52. Take shorter showers.
53. Stop using the bathroom as a crutch. Your family's getting suspicious.
54. Clean your room more often.
55. Heckie, clean the house.
56. Clean your laptop ahaha.
57. Get back to learning to sew.
58. Get back to learning to knit.
59. Learn embroidery.
60. Work on your relationships with your family.
61. Work on your relationships with your friends.
62. Drink more water. Stay hydrated.
63. ...Start trying to dance, maybe?
64. Try to learn tennis, or at least batminton.
65. Work on your temper.
66. Try to be more responsible.
67. Do your own laundry danggit.
68. Curse less?
69. Work on your... what do they call it? motivation? Finish-up! There we go!
70. But yea, work on your motivation too.
71. Stop comparing yourself to other people. You are you and you are wonderful at being you.
72. Stop letting your family's words get to you. Even if they're family and they're supposed to be special, they're not so special that their words should have that much meaning. You are you, and they are them. They are other people, even if they are your family.
73. Work on your focus. V.important. You got distracted too many times to count while making this list (at least double digits thanks to Tumblr).
74. Work on lessening that fear of eye contact.
75. Be more confident in yourself.
76. Like yourself because you are you. You don't have to be Sarah or Rachel or Michelle or Sharon, because you are you.
77. Laugh more. Smile more.
78. Be happier.
79. ...I'm starting to get stuck. Draw more Pokemon?
80. Try to post some drawings on Tumblr.
81. Work on fixing up your Tumblr.
82. Organize your social web stuff ahaha like your blogs and your emails and such.
83. Keep up friendship with Karin and Lollia (girls trio yeee)
84. Keep up Pisces group chat.
85. Work on your stubbornness.
86. Wash the dishes ehehe.
87. Stop being so afraid of change ahaha at this point I'm just taking things from Eva's because Eva has nice ones that also apply to me.
88. Floss. Now /there's/ something.
89. Practice showing emotions. You need it.
90. Do that audio diary thing more. idc how. Get a soundcloud for it or something. It's good practice speaking, showing emotions through speech, and mixing.
91. Speaking of which, do more mixing.
92. OHYEAH. Get a solo cover out.
93. Try not to worry about things too much.
94. Try not to let hormones kill you too much. (It gets better after highschool. Promise.)
95. Ohey. almost done. Did I mention finish unfinished things. Cuz there's a lot. So yeah, finish those.
96. Learn some stuff about music. Try to write your own songs maybe ahaha.
97. ...Maybe learn to play guitar? Have I put this yet? (I feel like I have.)
98. Try curling or braiding your hair.
99. Don't hide behind your hair as much. ...My stomach is feeling sick just thinking about not being able to hide behind my hair oops. Well, we'll try to work on it.
100. Get a hair cut, once you get 99 done. Maybe cut it short.
...Wow, and more left over for next year! Niceee. ...of course, I BS'd a lot of it ahaha.
Eva ends hers with selfies, but I can't really take selfies? (I have some, I just can't take them on the spot oops. How to aim a camera.) But uhmm... Maybe I can end mine with a drawing of some kind!! First drawing of the year yes yes!
A lot of people feel like if they aren't strict on themselves, then things won't get done. They then see this "suggestions" method as lazy, while a stricter method is somehow less lazy. However, if you have to use force in order to push yourself moving, isn't that the true laziness? A suggestions type of thing like this... it eventually ingrains itself in the mind without limiting it, so the body is more willing. At least, that's how I feel. ...Actually, what I should be saying is, "Do whatever works for you; just don't say bad things about other people using other methods."
So! Gonna give this a try! ;u;
For 2014:
1. Get off my lazy bum and be more productive.
2. Draw more.
3. Sing more.
4. Get back to learning programming.
5. Write more.
6. Cook more.
7. Practice art technique, especially with those watercolors.
8. Practice singing technique, especially bridging the gap between head voice and chest voice.
9. Get back to learning piano.
10. Try to keep up with school work. School's hard right now with depression and anxiety and everything, but keep trying!
11. On that note: Be at school more often. You can't keep missing days just because your anxiety and depression are acting up.
12. Pay more attention to appearances (AKA: brush your hair before going to school, dummy.)
13. Stop chewing your nails so you can finally paint them.
14. Watch more anime.
15. Practice Chinese more (with who? No one speaks my dialect oops.)
16. Stop being as fearful about talking with friends. They don't bite.
17. Exercise more.
18. Start practicing kungfu at home.
19. Don't be on the computer as much.
20. Remember to stretch for carpal's tunnel.
21. Pay more attention to your health, especially that dang heartburn.
22. Try to sleep before 1 am.
23. Try to wake before noon.
24. Try to be with family more often.
25. Don't lock yourself in your room all the time. At least sit in the living room, if you can.
26. Hang out with friends more.
27. Don't be afraid of social interaction. Necessary for that previous one.
28. Bake more.
29. Make stuff for your friends. Seriously. Like cookies.
30. Get back into working with clay. Idk, go to a craft store and get some polymer clay or something.
31. Ask Dad to teach you some watercolor tricks. Or Grandpa.
32. Ask Dad or Grandpa for art tips in general.
33. Help Grandma in the kitchen more. Learn more about cooking.
34. Get out more.
35. Try to work on that fear that keeps you from sleeping.
36. Do at least some of your homework without needing your friend to get you to.
37. Focus on good things! Even small things!
38. Try not to be down as much ;w; Hard, and big words, I know. But try!
39. Learn how to take selfies dammit.
40. Read more.
41. Remember to take care of your skin! Little lotion goes a long way!
42. Try to take baths earlier in the day.
43. Eat less sugar.
44. Especially stop using snacks and sugar as a nervous crutch at school.
45. Stop that other nervous habit of biting on your hand. You might break skin and get blood one day.
46. Get back into animating.
47. Get back into video editing.
48. Especially do those ones you told your brother you were gonna do but never did.
49. Stop getting depressed about the past (as much). What happened happened, and there's nothing you can do to change it. What's best is to just forget and keep going. LET IT GOOOO-- (not sorry).
50. Man this is starting to get difficult ahaha. Work on your tummy!
51. Wear more shorts and skirts to school!
52. Take shorter showers.
53. Stop using the bathroom as a crutch. Your family's getting suspicious.
54. Clean your room more often.
55. Heckie, clean the house.
56. Clean your laptop ahaha.
57. Get back to learning to sew.
58. Get back to learning to knit.
59. Learn embroidery.
60. Work on your relationships with your family.
61. Work on your relationships with your friends.
62. Drink more water. Stay hydrated.
63. ...Start trying to dance, maybe?
64. Try to learn tennis, or at least batminton.
65. Work on your temper.
66. Try to be more responsible.
67. Do your own laundry danggit.
68. Curse less?
69. Work on your... what do they call it? motivation? Finish-up! There we go!
70. But yea, work on your motivation too.
71. Stop comparing yourself to other people. You are you and you are wonderful at being you.
72. Stop letting your family's words get to you. Even if they're family and they're supposed to be special, they're not so special that their words should have that much meaning. You are you, and they are them. They are other people, even if they are your family.
73. Work on your focus. V.important. You got distracted too many times to count while making this list (at least double digits thanks to Tumblr).
74. Work on lessening that fear of eye contact.
75. Be more confident in yourself.
76. Like yourself because you are you. You don't have to be Sarah or Rachel or Michelle or Sharon, because you are you.
77. Laugh more. Smile more.
78. Be happier.
79. ...I'm starting to get stuck. Draw more Pokemon?
80. Try to post some drawings on Tumblr.
81. Work on fixing up your Tumblr.
82. Organize your social web stuff ahaha like your blogs and your emails and such.
83. Keep up friendship with Karin and Lollia (girls trio yeee)
84. Keep up Pisces group chat.
85. Work on your stubbornness.
86. Wash the dishes ehehe.
87. Stop being so afraid of change ahaha at this point I'm just taking things from Eva's because Eva has nice ones that also apply to me.
88. Floss. Now /there's/ something.
89. Practice showing emotions. You need it.
90. Do that audio diary thing more. idc how. Get a soundcloud for it or something. It's good practice speaking, showing emotions through speech, and mixing.
91. Speaking of which, do more mixing.
92. OHYEAH. Get a solo cover out.
93. Try not to worry about things too much.
94. Try not to let hormones kill you too much. (It gets better after highschool. Promise.)
95. Ohey. almost done. Did I mention finish unfinished things. Cuz there's a lot. So yeah, finish those.
96. Learn some stuff about music. Try to write your own songs maybe ahaha.
97. ...Maybe learn to play guitar? Have I put this yet? (I feel like I have.)
98. Try curling or braiding your hair.
99. Don't hide behind your hair as much. ...My stomach is feeling sick just thinking about not being able to hide behind my hair oops. Well, we'll try to work on it.
100. Get a hair cut, once you get 99 done. Maybe cut it short.
...Wow, and more left over for next year! Niceee. ...of course, I BS'd a lot of it ahaha.
Eva ends hers with selfies, but I can't really take selfies? (I have some, I just can't take them on the spot oops. How to aim a camera.) But uhmm... Maybe I can end mine with a drawing of some kind!! First drawing of the year yes yes!
Adventurers Without a Map
I was thinking about this one comment I made on Eva's post about how the way we're living our lives and such compared to everyone else is similar to adventurers without a map.
Because if we look all around us, everyone's got all these big dreams and plans on how to get there. Doctors and lawyers with paths of AP classes and Ivy league schools, actors and singers who plan on making a mark. Adventurers following maps towards dangerous territories searching for lost treasures.
And despite all urgings to follow that path, the well-beaten path that's on every map leading to this dangerous land and bountiful treasures and tales of success for the now-common hero, I don't want that.
I just want a small adventure with friends, in which I don't have to brave harsh colds or deserts. I don't want to put myself in classes or schools that I don't like just because they're big-name. I want to chase after rainbows and have picnics, in which there might be a small treasure or two.
I want to travel without having to adhere to this path that I know will be dangerous and that I know every step of. And if I make it to that dangerous land even without a map? Fine. If I don't, and I find some kind of small treasure that I can live off of? Just as well.
And hey, it's p.damn true.
Because if we look all around us, everyone's got all these big dreams and plans on how to get there. Doctors and lawyers with paths of AP classes and Ivy league schools, actors and singers who plan on making a mark. Adventurers following maps towards dangerous territories searching for lost treasures.
And despite all urgings to follow that path, the well-beaten path that's on every map leading to this dangerous land and bountiful treasures and tales of success for the now-common hero, I don't want that.
I don't want any of the danger. I don't need that much fame or treasure.
I just want a small adventure with friends, in which I don't have to brave harsh colds or deserts. I don't want to put myself in classes or schools that I don't like just because they're big-name. I want to chase after rainbows and have picnics, in which there might be a small treasure or two.
I want to travel without having to adhere to this path that I know will be dangerous and that I know every step of. And if I make it to that dangerous land even without a map? Fine. If I don't, and I find some kind of small treasure that I can live off of? Just as well.
Because I don't need a map to have an adventure.
I've been suicidal multiple times before.
Isn't the fact that I'm still alive and living nice enough?
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