Already feeling like I'm a huge burden on my family and friends and that I shouldn't be allowed to exist and be with these people because their life would be so much better if I didn't exist.
Dad comes in to yell at me for not listening and helping Mom and Dad and asked me, "Are you really my child?"
Thanks. A lot.
(I think "rant" is more like "really upset feelings that I don't want to see when I'm feeling better again" when on this blog. Ohwell.)
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Scopophobia
So I just found out about this. And it kinda sorta pretty much describes what I am going through.
Quoting Wikipedia (pfft much reliable very trust), scopophobia or scoptophobia is "an anxiety disorder characterized by a morbid fear of being seen or stared at by others or a pathological fear of drawing attention to oneself." It also states that it's because being stared at is equated with a feeling of shame or being criticized or despised.
Just this morning, I realized that a lot of the bad feelings that I feel are shame. And honestly, I find myself unsure what to do with it. The most I hear about shame is my mom telling me whenever I screw up badly, "Oh, so even you know what shame is?" So I really don't know what to do.
I think the worst part is that my family trying to help only makes it worse. They try to make me talk about what is bothering me. But I know that every time I do, they'll say it's a stupid reason to cry. I didn't just tell you this so that you can call it stupid. I told you this because you promised me you'll help me feel better. As if I didn't know how stupid it is! Of course I do! That's why I'm crying! I cry because it's a stupid reason that's bothering me and making me feel upset! I cry because I'm so stupid for getting hurt because of stupid reasons! And the last thing I need during those moments is for those dumb feelings to be reinforced.
It bothers me how much talking with my family is like walking in a circle.
"Do you understand this? They gave us a number for a therapist! It's not a joke anymore?"
Since when were my feelings a joke? "And? The problem is?"
"The problem is that they think you need a therapist!"
"And what am I supposed to do about this?"
"Tell me what is wrong so I can help."
"Sometimes, I just feel upset."
"...god, you do need a therapist. I need a therapist just talking with you."
I feel as if this whole concept of feelings is so foreign with my family. "Just shove your feelings aside and focus on school." How do I do this? I still have yet to figure it out, and "just do it" so far is not working, thank you very much. Simply repeating the same phrase over and over again has not done anything to help me; I don't understand why you insist on continuing.
"Tell me what's wrong. Let me help." sometimes feels more like "Let me tear you and your barely stable feelings apart and make you feel worse."
Quoting Wikipedia (pfft much reliable very trust), scopophobia or scoptophobia is "an anxiety disorder characterized by a morbid fear of being seen or stared at by others or a pathological fear of drawing attention to oneself." It also states that it's because being stared at is equated with a feeling of shame or being criticized or despised.
Just this morning, I realized that a lot of the bad feelings that I feel are shame. And honestly, I find myself unsure what to do with it. The most I hear about shame is my mom telling me whenever I screw up badly, "Oh, so even you know what shame is?" So I really don't know what to do.
I think the worst part is that my family trying to help only makes it worse. They try to make me talk about what is bothering me. But I know that every time I do, they'll say it's a stupid reason to cry. I didn't just tell you this so that you can call it stupid. I told you this because you promised me you'll help me feel better. As if I didn't know how stupid it is! Of course I do! That's why I'm crying! I cry because it's a stupid reason that's bothering me and making me feel upset! I cry because I'm so stupid for getting hurt because of stupid reasons! And the last thing I need during those moments is for those dumb feelings to be reinforced.
It bothers me how much talking with my family is like walking in a circle.
"Do you understand this? They gave us a number for a therapist! It's not a joke anymore?"
Since when were my feelings a joke? "And? The problem is?"
"The problem is that they think you need a therapist!"
"And what am I supposed to do about this?"
"Tell me what is wrong so I can help."
"Sometimes, I just feel upset."
"...god, you do need a therapist. I need a therapist just talking with you."
I feel as if this whole concept of feelings is so foreign with my family. "Just shove your feelings aside and focus on school." How do I do this? I still have yet to figure it out, and "just do it" so far is not working, thank you very much. Simply repeating the same phrase over and over again has not done anything to help me; I don't understand why you insist on continuing.
"Tell me what's wrong. Let me help." sometimes feels more like "Let me tear you and your barely stable feelings apart and make you feel worse."
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
My day in a nutshell:
"Why am I even at school why am I alive what is going on fuck this shit fuck me ugh I'm dumb this is dumb why am I here."
"...Oh? ....OHH? I'M DOING PRODUCTIVE THING? and with friend too and we're laughing oh this is nice?"
"ohwait. made myself sad again. oops."
...except it spanned 15 hours so it wasn't really as spontaneous as this seems.
"Why am I even at school why am I alive what is going on fuck this shit fuck me ugh I'm dumb this is dumb why am I here."
"...Oh? ....OHH? I'M DOING PRODUCTIVE THING? and with friend too and we're laughing oh this is nice?"
"ohwait. made myself sad again. oops."
...except it spanned 15 hours so it wasn't really as spontaneous as this seems.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
More Incomprehensible Words About Feelings
I feel like I need a tag for when I am generally incomprehensible and full of feelings that I cannot let out properly because I CANNOT PUT THEM INTO PROPER WORDS AND ENGLISH. For the time being, though...
I feel like I have left the community ahaha I'm not sure, is there really supposed to be a "line" for leaving the community? Like, I realized that if someone declares a line, he or she will most likely come wandering back for a bit and fly off for a bit and come back for a bit. Anyways, I really don't need a formal declaration. After all, if I decide I do not wish to watch over the conversations with a group of people, then that's me ahaha. Personally, I think I'm too much of a wanderer to really do so anyways. If I feel like doing something, then I'll do it for a lil bit, and then my attention wanders to something else and I'll do that. I'll bake at 1 in the morning, or draw in the afternoon and then set the unfinished piece aside to take a nap. Because I felt like it. I did a bit of roleplaying... and then I stopped for 6 months, and then took it up again. Because I felt like it. And I'm aware that I need a bit of fixing and tinkering with this so that I can have some semblance of a schedule in order to be more productive.
Still, I wonder if anyone noticed the fact that I wasn't really there... Ahaha is this a selfish question, I wonder? I don't really want them to notice, though. I'd feel better knowing that I can come and go as I please without strings dangling behind me. After all, I've come to realize how nice being a silent observer is. I honestly feel... powerful. Just being there, with a hint of a presence, watching over everyone. Ahaha, sounds pretty dumb.
I've gotten into some kind of cycle. Some days, I feel relatively fine, cheerful even.. And then, there are a few days where I cannot grasp the energy or will to get out of bed. All I can do is lay there crying under the weight of my feelings. And it's kinda dumb. I'm not sure what I can do about it...
I feel like my lack of determination is really becoming a problem. I mean, it was problematic even back in elementary school. Now, however, I feel like my drive has hit rock-bottom. I can't bring myself to do much... And sometimes, the bad feelings eat at me even more, telling me that I /can't/ do it. I'm not sure what to do about this either... Maybe I should try a monthly challenge of some kind? I think, I tend to do better knowing that someone trusted, like a friend, is relying on me (such as when they need to copy my homework), or when I have a trusted rival of some kind. Ahaha, I guess, my motivation is dependent on other people, which is why it's so weak. Makes sense.
I'm trying to write songs, however I have also remembered something: I have very little knowledge when it comes to music. I never learned an instrument. With singing, I'm barely scraping by with just singing along with the song. ...And then this portion of my head is really unintelligible. Therefore, I'll leave it off here, and maybe work on this some other time. Ah, I really wish I knew what was going on in my head.
I feel like I have left the community ahaha I'm not sure, is there really supposed to be a "line" for leaving the community? Like, I realized that if someone declares a line, he or she will most likely come wandering back for a bit and fly off for a bit and come back for a bit. Anyways, I really don't need a formal declaration. After all, if I decide I do not wish to watch over the conversations with a group of people, then that's me ahaha. Personally, I think I'm too much of a wanderer to really do so anyways. If I feel like doing something, then I'll do it for a lil bit, and then my attention wanders to something else and I'll do that. I'll bake at 1 in the morning, or draw in the afternoon and then set the unfinished piece aside to take a nap. Because I felt like it. I did a bit of roleplaying... and then I stopped for 6 months, and then took it up again. Because I felt like it. And I'm aware that I need a bit of fixing and tinkering with this so that I can have some semblance of a schedule in order to be more productive.
Still, I wonder if anyone noticed the fact that I wasn't really there... Ahaha is this a selfish question, I wonder? I don't really want them to notice, though. I'd feel better knowing that I can come and go as I please without strings dangling behind me. After all, I've come to realize how nice being a silent observer is. I honestly feel... powerful. Just being there, with a hint of a presence, watching over everyone. Ahaha, sounds pretty dumb.
I've gotten into some kind of cycle. Some days, I feel relatively fine, cheerful even.. And then, there are a few days where I cannot grasp the energy or will to get out of bed. All I can do is lay there crying under the weight of my feelings. And it's kinda dumb. I'm not sure what I can do about it...
I feel like my lack of determination is really becoming a problem. I mean, it was problematic even back in elementary school. Now, however, I feel like my drive has hit rock-bottom. I can't bring myself to do much... And sometimes, the bad feelings eat at me even more, telling me that I /can't/ do it. I'm not sure what to do about this either... Maybe I should try a monthly challenge of some kind? I think, I tend to do better knowing that someone trusted, like a friend, is relying on me (such as when they need to copy my homework), or when I have a trusted rival of some kind. Ahaha, I guess, my motivation is dependent on other people, which is why it's so weak. Makes sense.
I'm trying to write songs, however I have also remembered something: I have very little knowledge when it comes to music. I never learned an instrument. With singing, I'm barely scraping by with just singing along with the song. ...And then this portion of my head is really unintelligible. Therefore, I'll leave it off here, and maybe work on this some other time. Ah, I really wish I knew what was going on in my head.
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