Because every Thanksgiving calls for a mushy post where I spit out all my feelings and hope it's semi-understandable and then cry. Because crying.
(actually, I was crying a lot today ahaha why do people always decide today is a good day for talking about depressing things whoops. Plus, thinking about mushy stuff means also thinking about depressing stuff. oops. Actually, heck, I was really sad today and I only have half an explanation as to why.)
Umm, I guess I should start listing the things I'm thankful for. See after the break.
I'm thankful that my grades have not dropped too far this year, that I am mostly okay with myself (a lot better than I used to be), and that overall, I'm a bit more optimistic. Not much, but it's an improvement from how I used to be.
I'm thankful that the people around me try to do what they think is best for me, even if it's not actually helping, and even if it's harming. They still want the best for me, and they are trying.
I am thankful that my parents try to understand me. They get frustrated, but hey, they're human. They're trying, though. They want the best for me.
I am thankful for all the friends that have stuck with me this year, and all the people that are willing to talk with me and put up with me. My sanity has slipped a bit more than I was okay with this year, and I was ruder and more annoying than I used to be, but you guys still all talked to me despite that. Thank you, Eva, Cherri, Karin, Lollia, Muri, Chiizu / Emiko, Tessa, Erin, Taylor, Arianna, Andy, Evan, Rachie, and Bryan. (I'm sure there's more, but this is what I can remember.) I love you all.
I am thankful for all the classmates that put up with me. I understand that none of us want to be there, and have been in the position where I have been annoyed by other classmates who can't seem to understand how to behave in public. I personally have also been less-than-stellar this year, and can see where my behavior might have offended or annoyed people. And to the classmates that are willing to help me out in my classes despite the fact that I probably barely know you and I am often not in class: Thank you. So much.
I am thankful for the teachers that are willing to help me, that understand and support me through this. I may not agree with teachers' teaching styles and I do get frustrated. I'm not the best student, either; I sleep in class, doodle, and sometimes am not even in class. Thank you for trying your best with me, though, and hopefully I will end this school year and leave you with a good note. Thank you especially to Mr. Carpenter and Mrs. Kawamoto-Shiozaki.
I am thankful for the school staff. This year, there were new counselors and psychologists, different from last year's. While I am uncomfortable with you all (and I suppose that's understandable), I am grateful for you all taking care of me. Thank you.
I am thankful for all the things that my parents have given me to me in support of my various interests and hobbies. I know I dabble in a lot of stuff, and I thank you both for supporting me so much. The how-to-piano book (despite my never having time for self-learning piano), my textbook this year, my art supplies, my books, the cocoa powder mom bought so that I can bake brownies, everything.
I am thankful for all the people that had to interact with me this year. Even if you're not a friend, even if you're a total stranger that just pressed "favorite" on one of my instagram pictures, it means a lot to me. I know that I am not the best person to interact with. I am awkward and rude, especially at my worst. Thank you for giving me a bit of your time.
In the past two years, I have distanced myself from a lot of people. I believe at first, it was due to relationships; my friends all got boyfriends and new circles. I don't think I feel many hard feelings left. You all seem happy with where you are now. There's no point in me wishing you were still by my side when I can be looking for my own happiness, wherever that is. Thank you, though, for being with me back then. You played a role in my life, and for that, I am thankful.
Thank you to all the new friends I have made, and the friends that have stayed. I have been changing a lot, and trying to get used to all those changes hasn't even entirely fun for both of us. I am still changing, still trying to find myself. Even so, you're all here and willing to love this blob that was and will be me. Thank you so much for that.
And to all the friends who wish to still be here by me, whom I have pushed away upon isolation while trying to find myself. Thank you to all who actually want to be by me, who still have me in their hearts somewhere despite the fact that I did the pushing. And thank you especially to those brave enough to tell me out right, that "we need to talk more" and whatnot. I might not feel the same way, but thank you for expressing your feelings to me.
A special thank you to all that devote some of themselves to keeping me alive. I really appreciate it, even if I do not seem to appreciate being alive all the time. I am trying to get better. For the time being, though, please take care of me.
....and with that, I think I'll just include it here. I don't think this needs any of those depressive feelings. Just this should be enough. Thank you, everyone.
(Also, I should include Obligatory Feels-filled Post as a label, huh-- ...maybe.)
<3
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