Photos

I am not fond of taking pictures of myself.

Nor am I fond of having my picture taken.

That being said, a few weeks ago, I found the confidence to actually take a goddamn pic of myself.  And now I don't know what to do with it, so I guess I'll just put it here.

Recently, I managed to change my Facebook picture to an actual picture of myself.  I used to not be allowed to be tagged in rl pics, cuz of my parents and stuff, so it feels so weird to have one as a profile pic.  It's even weirder because everyone (and their mom) immediately jumped on it, liking the shit out of it and whatnot.

How frightening.

Compassion

I swear, I did not mean to write an essay.  I actually have an actual English essay I should be writing.  Instead, I'm writing some science shit.  Maybe I'll try spiffying it up later and seeing if my Bio teacher would give me some extra credit points on it.

Today, as I was walking home from school, I witnessed a not-too-extraordinary event.  A little black dog, all sleek and skinny and seemed to be about knee-height or something, ran onto the street.  That wasn't too remarkable, considering that we're in a suburb, so animals do shit like that from time to time.  However, these two girls suddenly ran onto the streets after the dog.

Anyways, that event made me think.    It made me wonder about the compassionate nature of humans and the effect of efficient transportation on these certain genetics.

I have realized

That Near is a very bad at judging ages.

Considering that he thought both Leelee and I were a lot older than we actually are.

But issokay cuz he's an adorably lame kitty.

Apathy

Well, it happened.

A good portion of my emotions suddenly shut off.

...Okay, that's not really what happened.  But it might as well have.  I think it's more like I've lost touch of other people.  I can't really feel other people's emotions as well as I normally do.  And that means a good portion of the emotions in me aren't working like they normally do.

This should be a good thing, right?  I mean, I did say that I wanted to feel nothing.  And I guess this is about as close to it as I can get.

I guess, but... Idk.  It's unnerving me.  Plus, things were finally going back to normal.  I've been feeling better, happier, and I've been hanging out with more people.  And then suddenly this.

I also wanted to add that the lack of emotions also means I have trouble understanding whether I'm upsetting or weirding out other people.  And that's pretty bad.

....I don't know, really.

I'm feeling some kind of unsettling emotion, and I have no clue what.

I disappointed somebody, probably a few people, today.

I know one of them is me.

I was hanging out with a group of people today.  Something out of my comfort zone.  Felt brave enough to after sleeping in call for the first time, as well as other things.

I wonder how obvious my discomfort was.

I wonder what they think of me now.

Stupid?

Dim-witted?

Ditzy?

Brainless?

Air-headed?

I mentioned some things that I should've left alone.

The past is the past.

Why can I not understand this?

I always told myself to just let go.

Afterall, it's always the guilt that kills me, not the act itself.

Hindsight is a bitch.