Wandering Thoughts (as I try not to get out of bed)

Updates on my life first before I get all deep on y'all.  I've been seeing a therapist, and I think I've been doing better.  She thinks I'm doing better too.  Currently part of a group project with someone who's not too fond of me.

As I laid in bed this morning, I realized that I do have a lot of what it takes to be a leader.  I try to include everyone's opinions.  I am able to contact the teacher for further instructions or for extensions in deadlines if necessary, speaking on behalf of my group.  I can arrange meetings and organize meeting dates and information.  But what I can't seem to do is get the group to actively work.  I'm unable to boost morale.  I can contact the group members, asking for their opinions all I want.  If they won't answer, then it's no good.  I can organize meetings and information documents all I want.  If my teammates refuse to be productive at these meetings, it's no use.  And in the end, I always get to an ending where my absence causes the group to fall.  And I'm not sure what to do anymore.

I really wish that someone could step up and take the reins from me for a little while, let me have a breather.  No matter which class I get the group project in, I seem to always be seen as the leader.  And I enjoy being needed, I enjoy taking charge and feeling the productivity.  However, it gets a bit ridiculous when there isn't really productivity.  And I'm trying my best, but it's so disheartening knowing that I'm in a group with people who do not wish to cooperate with me, who refuse to answer to my messages and refuse to give me their contact info.

And I think a good part of this is because I'm just the type that people prefer not listening to.  I tend to ramble and I'm emotionally weak to the point that I can be taken advantage of easily.  I talk like a dork, especially since I have a slight accent.  And I think I'm a little too earnest for people to handle ahaha Apathy and indifference seems to be the more likeable aspect nowadays.

And a leader is no good if they have nothing.  A leader whose group refuses to listen to them isn't a leader.

My mind then wandered to the fact that I haven't really changed.  Even when I was 4 or 5, I was more of the loner type.  I played with others just fine, but I was never really sought out.  I've been told that my teacher worried, seeing as how I was mostly with her or by myself.  I liked sitting in the book corner and reading on my own, playing with clay and paints by myself.

I remember this time in kindergarten where I was sitting in the book corner as everyone else was doing whatever, and I read The Giving Tree.  And I cried.  I cried because of how sad it was.  The tree had given everything to the boy, and the boy gave nothing in return.  I thought the tree was so nice and was happy up until the later parts of the book, in which the tree gave up its everything and I realized that the boy would grow up and die and the tree would still be there.  (I have a feeling that I thought too much when I was a kid.)  I still cry thinking about that book.

One of these days, I'll get out my 5th grade journal and type some of it up (along with analysis and commentary), just because it amuses me how similar I am to my past.  (And I can't think of a proper conclusion, so I'm just leaving this here)

Motivational Assembly (with guest speaker Keith Hawkins)

Warning: This is a 2am post.

Today, we had a motivational assembly at school in honor of February being black history month.  Keith Hawkins came in as a guest speaker, and he seems pretty cool and funny, I guess, but a lot of his words weren't really hitting it for me.

The two big things that most students probably remembered from the assembly were "It's not about the IQ, it's about the I Will." and "The biggest room in the world is the room for improvement."  Makes sense, since those two were the catchiest things he said.

I think part of why I wasn't really affected by his speech was because of his speaking style.  It's always nice hearing someone speak in a relaxed, informal way.  However, his delivery kind of smothered some of the message in my opinion.  I'm not sure if it was only me or if others also felt that way, though.

He touches upon a lot of things, although I wish he went into more details on some things more than other things.  He touched upon the fact that, even if doing drugs is bad, we shouldn't look down upon people who use drugs, and that people can fall and get back up.  However, he didn't really go into detail on that part, which I felt was a shame.  I feel like nowadays, with society pushing the idea that the top is where we want to be, we're starting to see the bottom in a really harsh light.  And that upsets me, because I want to believe that, despite the fact that I've fallen, I can climb back up again.  I'm not entirely worthless despite being at the bottom currently.

A good portion of the speech was spent on the fact that we are all family and we should all love each other.  He stated, "I don't have to know you to love you."  I wondered then if he should've gone over the different types of love, since I feel like people don't really understand that.  When I say platonic love, a lot of people look at me like I've grown multiple heads.  Of course we all need love.  Does it have to be romantic love?  Of course not.  I've said that, I've said that if I have love from family and friends then everything is fine, and they tell me, "No! It's not the same!"  Of course it's not the same.  And it shouldn't.  Maybe I don't want romantic love. Is that okay?  Of course it is.

He stated that we should all love each other and a bunch of other warm fluffy junk along the same topic.  And I kind of disagree with that.  We shouldn't dislike based on stereotypes, race, skin color, whatever.  However, there are still things that we dislike, such as twitchy legs or certain voice types that just rub us wrong.  Are we allowed to have dislikes?  I think so.  Should we let it get in the way, turning into some kind of odd hate with no base?  Uh, no.  Hate is p.bad, but dislikes, in my opinion, are what makes us human.

However, he also pointed out that a lot of other mushy junk said by other speakers is also ineffective.  I think my favorite part was, "Do you really want me to stand here and yell things like 'YEA! BE POSITIVE!'  I think your teachers there would look at me like 'Be positive? Be positive?! What does that even mean?!'"  He then went on a tangent about how "be positive" is not what's going to help us through school.  We can't turn in blank sheets of paper and reply to the teacher with, "I was being positive!"  He yelled out to end the tangent with, "But no really! What does 'BE POSITIVE' even mean?! Is that a blood type or something?!"

Anyways, it's 2 in the morning, this is all I remember, and I should be sleeping since I have a test first period tomorrow morning.

10 Good Things About Myself

My therapist wanted me to do something like this, so I decided to put it here anyways and hopefully this will boost my self-esteem a little maybe.

1. I am pretty decent at organizing when I put my mind to it.  Things like making lists, summarizing points of action and available tools, putting together resources and stuff.
2. I am a decent writer, I guess.  At the very least, my grammar is good.
3. I am a decent cook?  At the very least, I can make things without burning the kitchen or anything like that.
4. I am pretty decent at analysis, I suppose?  Self-analysis, book analysis, character analysis...
5. I can type quickly.  I hope that counts.
6. I am responsible enough to remember to shower daily, even if it's not at the most appropriate times (1 in the morning, anyone?).  I feel like this should be on the list for whatever reason.
7. My therapist told me that if I get stuck, I should start putting things other people say about me?  So uh my friend Kevin gave me this list: "pretty, nice, funny, smart, artistic, caring, friendly, humble, tolerant, sincere".
8. My mom says I'm a good sister.
9. I am a decent singer, I suppose?  I've been told that I have a nice, soothing voice and that I can very easily put others to sleep.
10. I really want to create. (There's also a lot of destructive tendencies in me but let's just focus on that for now.)  I really like making things, and I want to learn to make more things.  Let's just casually devote another post for that later, shall we?

And uh I guess that's good enough?  Hope so, anyways.

Lee's Writing Resources

Since Blogger was being a snooty meany to me earlier, I decided to try making the writing resource list on Google Drive! So uh here's a link for anyone who wants it.  I might also do one for drawing, and possibly others if I feel like it.  Making lists will either calm me or get on my nerves, depending on my mood ahahaha.

Writing Notes 1

Alright, putting a 1 there because I know for a fact that I'll have more collected in the future.  Besides, this is p.much just a post for everything that I know that could help Eva, since she's starting screenwriting! Uh, keep in mind that there's gonna be a lot of repetitive stuff since it's me typing this and you probably know a lot of this already, and this is all just from what I know and so it might not work for everyone, and it might not even be correct, but uh yeah.

The Animal In You (Personality Test)

So, I took this test!  I'm kinda questioning its accuracy, but ohwell

I am trying not to pay attention to the fact that I have finals for my two least favorite classes tomorrow

What is commitment
What is keeping up a writing blog
What is being productive