Feelings

I kind of envy people who can suddenly have feels and let them out so easily.

I'm naturally an emotional person.  And that should be fine.  Except that in my household, showing negative emotions is a bad thing, since having negative emotions is bad.  Sad?  No, you can't be sad.  You can't be upset, or angry, or anything.  Don't learn bad things like that.  You need to learn to be happy.

In the end, I have trouble telling how I feel.  I've been bottling up my emotions for so long that I usually just identify them as "positive", "negative", or "neutral", and nothing further than that.  I try not to show emotions, and when I do, I try not to show them in front of other people, especially my family.  It's hard, though, when I'm not allowed to keep my door closed and just be alone.

Sometimes, though, I just want to be able to show emotions like a normal person.

I want to cry when I read a sad book, or see a sad movie, or have a bad dream.

I just want to be able to cry for once.

Life's Narrow Path

 So Eva did a blog post about how one-track life is.  And since I don't know what concise wording is, my answer is a blog post.

I agree about how society's become more narrow LOL Although... it kinda makes me wonder why.  Part of it is because people genuinely believe that people will be more successful if things start young.  However, another part is because people like to show off all these prodigies nowadays.  There's a lot of push on being the youngest talent.

I still remember when I first learned of careers and jobs back in kindergarten.  I came home and talked about it with my dad, and he casually asked me what I wanted to be.  I gave him 5 options (I remember three of them being writer, artist, and teacher) and he gunned them all down because they weren't good enough.

Currently, I'm stressed because I feel like there's not enough time for everything.  My parents keep telling me to learn everything I want to learn while young, and that things such as drawing, writing, singing, and whatever can be done later on in life.  However, it feels like I'm missing opportunities.  I'm wasting time.  And it sucks, because it probably is possible to have another chance to do it later in life.  But I feel like I missed my chance because I didn't do it early enough.

My mom points out that her friend's daughter is in the 1st grade and is learning piano.  And why didn't I learn piano, she asks.  Why aren't I any good compared to these younger people, she asks.  And I'm not supposed to answer, so I just sit there and ask myself why.

College is one of those things that you can go back to later in life.  However, sometimes, I forget that, because people are so focused on things being right that first time.  In fact, Uncle told me to double-major my first year, then hurry up and be successful before grandma and grandpa leave us.  I know I can always go back after the first time if I don't like my major, but... in the end, that's also wasted time, isn't it?  I don't know anymore...

Aunty thinks I should be a law clerk.  And it fits, according to her description.  Write up documents, give them to higher-up, done.  From what she said, I could just do it at home if I want to.  Even so... I don't know.  I feel myself wavering a lot.  I don't really know what I want to be.  I feel like I need to hurry up, though... Like everyone's running and I'm too tired to, so I just walk.

Eva also mentioned that people grow at different paces.  And I agree on that.  I know I've mentioned the health triangle before on this blog.  A self is made up of the mind/emotions, the physical body, and the part that meets society (or something like that).  For me... I guess my mental and social aspects are kind of stinted.  The school therapist told me that it's normal to have a late emotional reaction to things since I'm not used to expressing my emotions.  Even so, I feel so behind compared to my classmates.  I still remember how I discovered what a "radio" was in 4th or 5th grade and started listening to music, and my best friend just humored me since she tried to introduce it to the uninterested me of 3rd grade.

My Health teacher told us that highschool used to be like college.  Few people passed, and those that did were able to get a wide variety of jobs.  And then highschool got too easy, so college became the new thing.  I wonder if, someday, the new thing would be specialty schools, like med school and law school and whatnot.  Specialty schools will probably be created for a whole bunch of professions, and it'll be the new thing.

Wow, wasn't this supposed to be a reply to a blog post what the hell.

Poetry

I normally don't do poetry.

Normally, I don't even do translyrics.

Why?

Because I suck at picking the right words for a small amount of space.

In fact, I think there might've been a word to replace all of that, too.  I just can't think of it.  AHAHAorz.  Anyways, I actually used to do a lot of poetry.  Back when I was little, I loved writing poems.  I still kinda do like the whole ring and whatnot with poetry.  I just find it sorta difficult to understand sometimes.

However, that did not stop me from doing a sequel to Eva's poem because I felt like it 8D  Actually, I was kinda worried because it was just an impulsive thing.  I read it, I jotted something down and quickly hit publish before I could self-doubt.  And then I self-doubted.

But yeee it turned out fine and eheheheeh <3 It was a nice thing to see considering how my week has been ahahah~

Anyways, just gonna casually put it up here as well.  IT'S ALSO ON EBAH'S BLOG AND WHATNOT.

 Yeah.

EDIT: Hey I did a 4th part.  Which I'll prolly redo later when I have the braincells necessary.  And I added the title.

Aspiration

A bird in a cage
With no will to fly,
Who aspires not,
Whose wings denied,
Feels neither longing,
Nor vexed, nor content;
Yet to be in this cage
This bird is meant.*

A bird in a cage
Loses the will to fly.
White wings, full-fledged;
But the heart will deny.
Nowhere to run,
Wishing not to roam.
In this cage
This bird is home.

A bird in a cage
Knows not how to fly--
Its wings inexperienced,
Its plight to deny
That skies can be soared;
Destination unfound.
Fearful is this bird,
And to this cage it’s bound.*

A bird in a cage
Learns not how to fly
But to dream and to wish
Of worlds undefined.
For it has grown weary,
And used to the pain.
This cage is its life,
A perennial stain.

 *These stanzas are written by Eva.

Nothing gold can stay

So my laptop is really old.

Like, dinosaur old.

Like, I-still-have-a-green-start-button-because-I-have-XP old.

And I thought it was just fine.  Until recently, anyways.

My laptopbby's fan had always been a bit loud.  To the point where people notice when things are wrong because my laptop noise wasn't there.

However... I think it's seriously starting to die...

And I am seriously freaking out because LAPTOPBBY.  PLEASE. STAY WITH ME.  Daddy told me to just save all my shit in an external hard drive, but it's like... I HAVE TOO MUCH SHIT TO SAVE ;w; WHAT TO DO.

I'm a packrat and a bit creepy.  Therefore, I save mp3s and lines (some I'm not supposed to have) and pictures and--

I don't know what to do with this all someone help me please.

Talented people.

kuruC ‏@cooroosii3h

my TL is full of talented people who can pretty much do everything and here i am a quivering lump of fried fuckedness

kuruC ‏@cooroosii3h

"don't mind me, i just made a song, the art, the PV, and the utau. what'd you do today?" "oh i just.. existed."

While I disagree concerning this particular person (I personally like reading their tweets--), these few tweets highlight a feeling that I've been feeling an awful lot of recently. And yes, I remember that other blogpost I made about this. I know there's nothing actually required of me...

And yet, I don't feel any less worthless.

I made a blogpost about how people use emotions to create because they want to be heard. Then it occurred to me. That's not really true for everyone. Some people create, but prefer not to share or don't care whether it is shared or not. And so I decided. Another reason people create is to be productive. If these emotions can make something, then they wouldn't be so worthless, yeah?

Please excuse me, I'm the only person stupid enough to be writing at stupid hours like this LOL.

Language Barriers

Jfc I hate when I don't know how to answer and Mom thinks I just don't know how to say it.
Mom, I'm not my brother.  I'm not some white-wash don't-know-my-own-fucking-ethnicity.

I just don't know the fucking answer.

What is Productivity

So I have quite a bit I could be doing:

• studying and catching up on school work
• drawing for some duet pvs
• writing fanfics
• working on my fanfic blog
• recording for some duets and whatnot
• recording. in general.
• other stuff

 Instead, what do I do?

This is what I spent an entire hour on.

I also cannot turn it into a .gif file like I wanted to because the only computer in the house that can probably withstand the program needed to do that... is my brother's computer.

And so you get this for now.