I know and I don't know and I don't care what you know

"You can't feel upset just because you feel upset!"

That's what they said, anyways, but in the end, what more do I have to offer as an explanation?  I feel happy because I feel happy, I feel upset because I feel upset.  I don't know anything more than that.  Sometimes, I don't even know how I feel

"Why don't you know? There's something wrong with you."

I know that already. I know.  I don't need to be told this.  There's something wrong with me.  I tell myself that enough already.  I don't like myself enough already.  I don't care and don't need to know that you don't like me as well.

I hate depression because it's so irrational.  I have no reason to cry, no reason to be upset, but I am.  I get upset because I don't know.  My parents get upset because I don't know.  It's impossible to explain to myself and it's impossible to explain to my parents.  I feel like I'm getting better, little by little, and then it all crumbles down again.  And to my parents, I'm just impossibly weird and stupid.

Blegh

     My mood was fine today, and I thought I'd be able to get through.  I was trying to cook, but then my dad came home and told me I'm too slow and took over.  Then my brother came into my room, saw that I typed "My birthday is in 3 days", and said, "Oh really? I totally forgot!"  I have no idea if he's being sarcastically indifferent or what, but it hurt.

     I actually really don't like my birthday.  Bad shit always happens on my birthday.  I guess it's part of being a bad omen LOL.  For the past couple years, I've been sick on my birthday.  I think it happened even before that, although I was too stupid to notice.  I hope it doesn't happen this year... (although I guess that's what I get for having a birthday during the change of seasons LOL)  Since it's also just after the winter months, it also means I'm usually trying to recover from an depression-induced grade drop.  This year, I have a dentist's appointment on my birthday.  I hate going to the dentist.
     I think I would be more okay with not having things when they're not dangled in front of my face, when I'm not told of all that could've been.  I get told that on my birthday, they're going to take me here and there and I'll get this and that, and it all crumbles away in the end.  Good grief, if I was going to just spend my birthday in my room alone, then I can at least look forward to that without making room for your plans only to be told they were canceled.

     My mood's really bad and the internet is cutting in and out right now.  Woo...

Deadlines

     Deadlines are necessary if we want shit to actually get done.  I found that out when I joined a chorus without due dates.  However, how exactly are deadlines reinforced?  I run by a replacement system, in which anyone who doesn't get lines in on time and did not speak to me about the reasons will be replaced.  When a large mass of people are late, though...
     As a chorus leader, I'm expected to make sure that everyone gets things done on time.  However, how can I make sure lines are done on time if I didn't even do my lines?  My mood has been so low recently... I wonder how people cope with this...  If I try to do my lines now, then I'll probably just start crying.  Not that I haven't cried while doing lines before.  I found that I don't really like singing.  The past songs I've had to do lines for would've been fine (To Living Tomorrow, Pierrot, Outwards and Inwards) because they're ballad-y sad songs.  However, I'm expected to do a more "happy" song this time.  What to do...

Thoughts

     I have a very odd thinking style.  It's similar to the rest of me in that it's contrary.  It's disorganized and organized at the same time.  I have a pretty good memory, but I'm also ditzy and forgetful.  For instance, I forgot to cap my pen, so it has been sitting on my desk for about an hour.  Whoops.
     I'm supposed to be doing my homework assignment, which was to write a circle poem.  For those of you who have never heard of a circle poem before (the majority of you, I assume) (Ohwait, who's "you"? LEE, YOU HAVE READERS? I NEVER KNEW THAT.) it's basically when you take a word, and then write a related word, and then continue on until it's a string of words that are loosely related, but not really.  It's kinda stupid.  Anyways, I'm finding that my thinking style is really too extreme for it.  If I restrict my mind, then I get nothing.  If I try letting my mind loose, I have a chart-jumble-thing on my paper and I'm not exactly sure where the beginning and the end is.  Ahahahaa....
     On another note, me not doing homework means that I'm just basically letting my mind wander, and that's not a good thing.  Mental Me likes to walk to places where she's not supposed to be.  My house's piping is broken, and Mom and I discovered it this morning when we were about to leave the house.  When things like this happen, I tend to blame myself for being bad luck.  A stupid reason, I know, but... I'm still trying to tell myself that it's not true, that I'm not actually bad luck or a bad omen or whatever.  Ahaha... not going so well.
      I also started complaining about other things that happened today in my mind.  However, then my mind turns into a me against me argument, and me always wins.  One side would complain, and the other side would scold bratty!me about reasons why I shouldn't blame other people/things/whatever (and often include why I should blame myself instead).  In the end, I like not interacting with people because talking to people means that I have to listen to myself argue and then pull out the remains and offer it as sacrifice to people.  Not fun.  However, this also means I have problems when faced with a situation that requires interactions with actual people.  It also means I'm usually alone most of the time.  Sometimes, I get lonely.  However, other times, I just want to be alone, but I can't.
     I hate it when there's too much going on.  Things sometimes happen, though.  Like the radio is on, but I'm in the backseat, so I can't hear it properly, and my brother is both screaming and thumping his legs against the chair in front of him, and mom's talking on the phone, and the car is moving.  It's all too much.  And then there's me arguing with me inside.  Yeah.  My family thinks I'm weird, though.
     I tend to dislike blogs and Twitter (and communicating with people) because I sometimes say too much, and then I regret it.  I regret things I do a lot.  Already feeling regret for over half the things in this post already, but I'm forcing myself to post this because I need to let this all out.  I wonder how Eva got over regretting everything, cuz I really need to learn that...

     I've been thinking... I decided to continue blogging because I wanted to know more about myself and be more honest to myself and others.  However, as I continued to delve deeper into myself, I realized that maybe I should've just kept this all hidden.  I've been hiding a lot of things from myself, things that maybe I should've left forgotten and buried.  I'm not sure what to do anymore.  Being honest just seems to hurt me more than it does any good.  Maybe I should try getting rid of all of this regret first...? I'm not sure anymore.

     On a less depressing note, last week was finals week at school!  I did pretty well considering this is my first time experiencing finals week, although I got sick around the beginning of the week... whoops.  On my math final, I ended up getting only an 83.6 or something, but then it turned out that that was the class's highest score.  My teacher curbed it, so it's a 96.  I got the highest in English, too, with a 92, which the teacher curbed the grade to, so I got a 100.  Bio, I got a 89, which ended up being the highest too.  However, the teacher told me that I wasn't supposed to take the finals, so the curb was placed at 86, giving me extra credit. Awyeah~!

Helpless

I apologize, as I'm most likely not making sense at the moment.  There's a lot of emotions in me right now, and not much words.

     Internet relationships, whether friendship or otherwise, lack a lot of things.  However, the things that it lacks the most that I feel like I so desperately need are wordless communication and reassurance.
     That moment where you're unable to communicate your feelings through words properly is the moment where you're at your weakest, because you've rendered yourself useless.  When someone is upset, I can't hug them.  I can't touch them, let them know that I'm here.  Words are actually rather weak.  While they sometimes breach the mental parts of the mind, they rarely ever scratch the emotional portion.  And even so, when its the mental and emotional parts that are in turmoil, the best answer is physical.
    The hardest things to cure are the things that separate you emotionally and physically.  Physically you're fine, but emotionally, it hurts, it hurts so much.   When you just want to break away from the physical plane until your mental or emotional conflict is gone... that's when you need someone to physically be there for you.  It's unfortunate that I can't be that person...
     I live each day not knowing if you're alive or not.  If someone dies, how would I know?  If someone is dangerously injured or ill, how would I know?  I would be none of the wiser...

Stress

     When I was little, my dad was always playing Spider Solitaire in his spare time.  He still does from time to time, by the way.  I didn't get why.  I just thought that he really liked the game.  And he does.  He's pretty into it.  But I didn't really get the depth of why he played it so much.
     Now, I sit here and I open a game of FreeCell.  I play Solitaire, too, and Spider Solitaire, just like Dad.  Things like ceramics, drawing, writing, cards, they've been helping as I try to deal with the stress in my life.  Dad played because the cards helped release stress.
     However, the thing about my family is that, while I am supposed to be a young lady now, so I'm supposed to be more adult-like and whatnot, they still consider me to be a kid.  Because I'm a kid, I'm not allowed to go to a lot of places.  I can't have stress.  Cuz I'm a kid, and kids don't get stress.
     I'd like to remind my readers that there's a difference between "can" and "should".  "Kids aren't supposed to get stress," is different from "Kids can't get stress."  While my parents actively say the former, it often feels like they believe in the latter.  If they weren't so serious about it, too, then I would love to laugh at the absurdity of it.  Kid's can't get stress.  Hah.

Leadership

First, I made a new tag/label/thing.  "happy memories".  I decided that I should keep happy things under a label so that if I want to, I could find them quickly when I need to cheer myself up.

Second, I've been feeling pretty upset lately.  I'm not going to talk about them here cuz this is supposed to be a happy post.  However, there's a few people that have been helping a lot.

I always feel really happy when people mention me in these things, but I never bothered to do this with any of them, so I kept losing them.  This time, I'm keeping this here so that I could look back on it easier rather than having to dig through Twitter tweets.
I met Nana through a Kaoris fic that she did.  In the beginning, I was a bit hesitant.  Meeting people has the possibility of breeding drama, which, while there's always lots of it, I prefer to keep away from myself.  There's already enough shit going on in my life.  However, I'm glad I met her.  As I told her through Twitter DMs,

I see why Kaoru likes being with you guys so much now, though.I can be at my most depressed, the epitome of emo, the droopiest meatsack, that point where everything is shit.And then I tweet at you guys and it's like
Fuck. I can't stop smiling.

 And it's true.  I can't think of better words to explain it than that.

Another thing that happened that I also consider to be kinda happy (or at least not extremely depressing) is this conversation:

[4:46:34 PM] ~PikaPrincess~ Lee*Chao: If say, hypothetically,
[4:47:05 PM] ~PikaPrincess~ Lee*Chao: someone had never been in a chorus before. Never covered a song before. They wouldn't make a good chorus leader, right?
[4:47:24 PM] Kaobro: It really depends on their leading skills.
[4:47:49 PM] Kaobro: Some people are just naturally better at leading than others are, experienced or not.
[4:48:03 PM] Kaobro: Of course, an experienced chorus leader is good, but it just really depends on the person.
[4:48:06 PM] Kaobro: If that makes any sense.

      This issue has been bothering me for a long time by now. I really don't feel like I'm any good as KPC's leader.  I lack a buttload of experience.
     However, I guess... Kaoru's words gave me a little bit of hope.  Even though there's a really obvious flaw in there (can you see it? Hint: It has to do with a quality that I do not possess), I somehow feel better seeing it.  I'm not really sure either.