Saturday, January 12, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Writing in a Country of Song
The reactions are rather disconcerting when people realize I write fanfiction for this community. It ranges from "...That sounds horrifying..." to "Woah, there are FANFICS?!" to "Sweet. //goes to read". I get a lot of the first reaction, although it's often indirect. It kind of stings. I don't do much singing in the community. I don't draw, animate, or mix. My niche in the community is writing my fanfics. When a good majority of people don't even realize I write, or they look upon my writing in disdain, it hurts.
I understand that fanfiction writing is sometimes frowned upon. It's considered even more repulsive to write fanfictions involving real life people. However, I was granted permission by these people. In fact, they seem to enjoy reading my writing. Even so, it hurts when people still look at me like that. These fanfics are my sole contribution to the community. This might seem rather odd. In a community of singers, mixers, animators, and a few artists, there's me. A writer. I'm no good for anything other than writing. And I often feel like an outsider in the community because of it. Perhaps I'm just being insecure or something?
I'm not good with writing lyrics. Translyric-writing means I would have to confine my words to a set number of syllables. My feelings are confined to this song in front of me. I can't do that. I'm not proud of my voice. I'm no good even with talking, much less singing. My pronunciation is shit, I sometimes just drop to a monotone, and I just feel worse after recording lines than I did before. I'm not at the point with art where I can consider myself to be any good at all. The only thing I have is my writing. My family acknowledge my writing. My aunt tried to find a career involving writing for me. All my life, it's been my writing that has gotten me to where I am.
I tend to have feelings of uselessness, of worthlessness and low self-esteem. These stem from many things. This is one of those things. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not proud of my singing or my art. I can't animate with the computer I have currently. Writing is all that I have that I'm semi-proud of. However, I do like the people in the Youtube utaite community. I like the music and art, even if I cannot be a part of it. I've seen artists and mixers and sometimes even animators complain about how they don't do anything in the community. That's a lie. I feel like I'm teetering, about to topple over into the territory of utter uselessness. It's been even worse lately due to my on-and-off erratic inspiration. I'm not sure what to do.
Please excuse the shit grammar and rambling-style. Then again, if you have been reading my other posts, then you'd already have seen plenty of this. Ahaha~
I understand that fanfiction writing is sometimes frowned upon. It's considered even more repulsive to write fanfictions involving real life people. However, I was granted permission by these people. In fact, they seem to enjoy reading my writing. Even so, it hurts when people still look at me like that. These fanfics are my sole contribution to the community. This might seem rather odd. In a community of singers, mixers, animators, and a few artists, there's me. A writer. I'm no good for anything other than writing. And I often feel like an outsider in the community because of it. Perhaps I'm just being insecure or something?
I'm not good with writing lyrics. Translyric-writing means I would have to confine my words to a set number of syllables. My feelings are confined to this song in front of me. I can't do that. I'm not proud of my voice. I'm no good even with talking, much less singing. My pronunciation is shit, I sometimes just drop to a monotone, and I just feel worse after recording lines than I did before. I'm not at the point with art where I can consider myself to be any good at all. The only thing I have is my writing. My family acknowledge my writing. My aunt tried to find a career involving writing for me. All my life, it's been my writing that has gotten me to where I am.
I tend to have feelings of uselessness, of worthlessness and low self-esteem. These stem from many things. This is one of those things. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not proud of my singing or my art. I can't animate with the computer I have currently. Writing is all that I have that I'm semi-proud of. However, I do like the people in the Youtube utaite community. I like the music and art, even if I cannot be a part of it. I've seen artists and mixers and sometimes even animators complain about how they don't do anything in the community. That's a lie. I feel like I'm teetering, about to topple over into the territory of utter uselessness. It's been even worse lately due to my on-and-off erratic inspiration. I'm not sure what to do.
Please excuse the shit grammar and rambling-style. Then again, if you have been reading my other posts, then you'd already have seen plenty of this. Ahaha~
First TL Responses Post!
Alright so I'm making a new tag/label/thing called TL Responses. It's gonna be a thing where I talk about my views on what's going on on my TL since I'm too chicken to actually say anything on Twitter.
So the first thing I wanted to talk about is Kori. I'mma do a more in-depth thing involving Kori later, since my feels for that boy cannot be contained. I look up to him. A lot. And currently he's on Twitter being a 'tard because he doesn't like his voice. I personally really like his voice and personality and talking to him. I find it admirable that despite his health and other people's opinions on him and other xit, he managed to rise up there. Plus, his take on feelings and stuff is refreshing, and he basically acts like the older brother figure to me. Of course, I'm taking a chance in that he might or might not see it, depending on how the few people who read this blog take it. I'm hoping anyways that none of you guys will show this to him cuz holycrap. I was also at his live once, and I seriously had to find someone to spazz to cuz holyshit this boi.
Nami and Miyu mentioned wanting to be an mysterious figure in the community, someone with walls all around them and no one knows much about them. As childish as it sounds, I guess I'm also trying for that... I'd have to say I might've been somewhat successful? in that a lot of people tell me that the only things they know about me is that I favorite tweets on Twitter. They've made up quite a few theories about me on Twitter, too, about why I favorite tweets and don't say much. Things relating me to Satan, to the government, to a secret conspiracy in which I plot to take over the world or something. It's rather amusing, really.
So the first thing I wanted to talk about is Kori. I'mma do a more in-depth thing involving Kori later, since my feels for that boy cannot be contained. I look up to him. A lot. And currently he's on Twitter being a 'tard because he doesn't like his voice. I personally really like his voice and personality and talking to him. I find it admirable that despite his health and other people's opinions on him and other xit, he managed to rise up there. Plus, his take on feelings and stuff is refreshing, and he basically acts like the older brother figure to me. Of course, I'm taking a chance in that he might or might not see it, depending on how the few people who read this blog take it. I'm hoping anyways that none of you guys will show this to him cuz holycrap. I was also at his live once, and I seriously had to find someone to spazz to cuz holyshit this boi.
Nami and Miyu mentioned wanting to be an mysterious figure in the community, someone with walls all around them and no one knows much about them. As childish as it sounds, I guess I'm also trying for that... I'd have to say I might've been somewhat successful? in that a lot of people tell me that the only things they know about me is that I favorite tweets on Twitter. They've made up quite a few theories about me on Twitter, too, about why I favorite tweets and don't say much. Things relating me to Satan, to the government, to a secret conspiracy in which I plot to take over the world or something. It's rather amusing, really.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Relationships (cont.)
I went out grocery shopping with my parents today and found a magazine about human psychology. There was an article about sex in there that peaked my interest. That, combined with my current TL, got me thinking. And I should most likely be cleaning my room instead of writing this, but FEELS.
The article stated that humans find sex, kissing, and kinks appealing due to the acts being considered a turn-on or a turn-off depending on who you're doing it with. The fact that two people can love each other enough to do something so disgusting together is considered romantic. The fact that you can be into something that you yourself consider is completely revolting when compared to "normality", and the other person might possibly reciprocate your affections, gives you a sense of belonging. After all, there's a lot of people that, in their search for love, are looking for the feelings of belonging and security. That makes sense, I suppose.
Those who have read my fanfics might note that I'm not particularly detailed when it comes to things like kissing and sex. This is not just due to lack of experience (although a part of it probably stems from that, yes.) I have stated in the previous post about relationships that I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship yet. This includes the appeal of physical affection. Sometimes, I find it okay. However, I'm not ready to be with other people on that close of a level yet. That's just how I am. I will say, though, that I have been kissed before. With tongue. It's not the best of memories. As long as I don't delve too far into the mechanics of kissing when writing it, I'm fine.
The article stated that humans find sex, kissing, and kinks appealing due to the acts being considered a turn-on or a turn-off depending on who you're doing it with. The fact that two people can love each other enough to do something so disgusting together is considered romantic. The fact that you can be into something that you yourself consider is completely revolting when compared to "normality", and the other person might possibly reciprocate your affections, gives you a sense of belonging. After all, there's a lot of people that, in their search for love, are looking for the feelings of belonging and security. That makes sense, I suppose.
Those who have read my fanfics might note that I'm not particularly detailed when it comes to things like kissing and sex. This is not just due to lack of experience (although a part of it probably stems from that, yes.) I have stated in the previous post about relationships that I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship yet. This includes the appeal of physical affection. Sometimes, I find it okay. However, I'm not ready to be with other people on that close of a level yet. That's just how I am. I will say, though, that I have been kissed before. With tongue. It's not the best of memories. As long as I don't delve too far into the mechanics of kissing when writing it, I'm fine.
Relationships
This blog might or might not be inspired by Eva's blog post, although people that I talk to a lot would know that this has been on my mind for a while and that this is just how I am. Also, what is grammar. //sob
In my personal opinion, love's not something you want to rush. We're all ready for it at different paces and we're all looking for different things when it comes to love. Just because your best friend is in a relationship doesn't mean that you need to go out and find a guy, too. There's millions of people in this world. Someday, you'll find someone meant for you. Getting a boyfriend is meaningless if you get one just to show off and the two of you don't actually get along.
It's not necessary to put an age on which it's okay to start dating. In fact, I don't advise that. This age is different in everyone. Setting a barrier like that does one no good at all. However, I must also mention that the younger you are, the easier it is to get mixed up between crushes and actual love. I know I did when I was a kid. A friend is also going through a period where she's discovering the emotions inside her that allow her to have crushes. However, unlike my shy kid-self, she's a bit more bold than I am. I regret being unable to do much as I watch her go through boyfriend after boyfriend, dumping them once the crush wears off. However, I really can't do much, as I'm not able to make her realize a thing. She has to realize it on her own.
I recall once, after kungfu was over, a fellow student's mom was talking to the teacher. The student is a girl just a year younger than me.
The teacher said, "Well, it's okay. [Lee] doesn't have a boyfriend, yet, either."
The lady turned to me and exclaimed, "Well, 12 is too young to have a boyfriend!"
...What. Just, what. I politely told her that I'm not 12.
"Well, then why don't you have a boyfriend yet?"
What. Okay, what.
As for my own personal love life? I'm not ready for it yet. At the moment, I am completely certain that I am not ready for a relationship. I'm still too emotionally and physically immature to think about those kinds of things. With how I am, adding love into the equation's just going to make things more emotionally confusing and conflicting for me, and I don't need that extra weight at the moment. Furthermore, my dad has stated that he's not comfortable with me dating until I'm done with my education. And that's fine with me. I can focus on my education without another distraction. Plus, once I'm done with my education and finally in the working world, I'll be able to lend support into a relationship if necessary. Not sure what my mom thinks.
In my personal opinion, love's not something you want to rush. We're all ready for it at different paces and we're all looking for different things when it comes to love. Just because your best friend is in a relationship doesn't mean that you need to go out and find a guy, too. There's millions of people in this world. Someday, you'll find someone meant for you. Getting a boyfriend is meaningless if you get one just to show off and the two of you don't actually get along.
It's not necessary to put an age on which it's okay to start dating. In fact, I don't advise that. This age is different in everyone. Setting a barrier like that does one no good at all. However, I must also mention that the younger you are, the easier it is to get mixed up between crushes and actual love. I know I did when I was a kid. A friend is also going through a period where she's discovering the emotions inside her that allow her to have crushes. However, unlike my shy kid-self, she's a bit more bold than I am. I regret being unable to do much as I watch her go through boyfriend after boyfriend, dumping them once the crush wears off. However, I really can't do much, as I'm not able to make her realize a thing. She has to realize it on her own.
I recall once, after kungfu was over, a fellow student's mom was talking to the teacher. The student is a girl just a year younger than me.
The teacher said, "Well, it's okay. [Lee] doesn't have a boyfriend, yet, either."
The lady turned to me and exclaimed, "Well, 12 is too young to have a boyfriend!"
...What. Just, what. I politely told her that I'm not 12.
"Well, then why don't you have a boyfriend yet?"
What. Okay, what.
As for my own personal love life? I'm not ready for it yet. At the moment, I am completely certain that I am not ready for a relationship. I'm still too emotionally and physically immature to think about those kinds of things. With how I am, adding love into the equation's just going to make things more emotionally confusing and conflicting for me, and I don't need that extra weight at the moment. Furthermore, my dad has stated that he's not comfortable with me dating until I'm done with my education. And that's fine with me. I can focus on my education without another distraction. Plus, once I'm done with my education and finally in the working world, I'll be able to lend support into a relationship if necessary. Not sure what my mom thinks.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Thanksgiving Meal
I just noticed that I never tweeted about the actual Thanksgiving meal. Ahahaha orz
This was the first Thanksgiving where my family actually cooked a turkey! Thanksgiving also turned out to be a good day for feelings because 1) Food. jkjk but it was a pretty happy day compared to the day before and after. 2) I had an excuse to cry >w<
So, I helped with the cooking! The turkey was pretty good considering it was our first time. The others in the family pointed out that it was a bit dry, though. They ended up eating most of it anyways. Dad also brought over cider! We had four flavors: Apple, Pomegranate, Peach, and Blueberry. We also did mashed potatoes, gravy, and corn.
I realize now that I should've done this waaay back then, cuz then I would've also remembered and screencapped who tweeted that they were thankful for meeting me, cuz holyshit that made me cry. I remember Lollia did. I think Abby and Celest did too? Not entirely sure.
I also totally did not rewatch KPC's bouquet and cried some more. Nope, nope, totally not. Maybe.
This was the first Thanksgiving where my family actually cooked a turkey! Thanksgiving also turned out to be a good day for feelings because 1) Food. jkjk but it was a pretty happy day compared to the day before and after. 2) I had an excuse to cry >w<
So, I helped with the cooking! The turkey was pretty good considering it was our first time. The others in the family pointed out that it was a bit dry, though. They ended up eating most of it anyways. Dad also brought over cider! We had four flavors: Apple, Pomegranate, Peach, and Blueberry. We also did mashed potatoes, gravy, and corn.
I realize now that I should've done this waaay back then, cuz then I would've also remembered and screencapped who tweeted that they were thankful for meeting me, cuz holyshit that made me cry. I remember Lollia did. I think Abby and Celest did too? Not entirely sure.
I also totally did not rewatch KPC's bouquet and cried some more. Nope, nope, totally not. Maybe.
 |
| The Cider |
 |
| The Turkey |
Words
The thing about internet relationships is that they can't really be built on physical things. You can't physically hug and kiss someone over the internet. Instead, relationships tend to be built on words. The words that you say and type mean a lot to other people. Sure, you can type things like "//hug", but repeating that gets old after so long.
That's why I try my best when it comes to word choices. In the end, the words that I choose to use means a lot in whether I come off as intimidating, nice, mean, whatever. It's also why the hardest thing for me is not knowing what to say. When I can't say anything because the other person doesn't want me to know why they're hurting or because it would reveal too much information on my end, it hurts. A lot. I want to say something, I truly do. Even if they're far away, if I feel that they're hurting, then I hurt too.
I don't like secrets. Which is kinda weird, considering how secretive I am. Or, at the very least, there's a lot that I don't like saying aloud. However, the thing about secrets is that it feeds my paranoia. I read over things that I say carefully, trying to see if there is a hint that the secret could be found. And in the end, secrets prohibit me even more in my words. And with how I am and how internet relations are, further limitations in speech are a bad thing.
I'm incredibly paranoid and insecure. It's hard for me to talk because I constantly go over what I say. Are my word choices right? Do I come off as too mean or condescending? How much information regarding myself am I showing? Will the other person take offense to my words? Am I comfortable with showing this much information? How will I be seen to others? Am I saying so much that it's annoying?
I guess that's why I'm not good with Twitter. With Twitter, it's not just the reaction of one person that I have to worry about. It's every person that's following me, every person that might possibly take a look at my Twitter. Therefore, I have difficulty talking with Twitter. Blogging is also difficult. Sometimes, I see it as an honesty issue. Hiding the truth, or something. However, blogging isn't necessarily as difficult as tweeting because there's less of an obligation with having to see my blogposts over having to see my tweets. Maybe someday, I'll be able to get over these things.
As for why I'm talking about this? A friend is hurting right now. I wish to comfort them, but I'm not exactly sure how. They're keeping a secret that a mutual friend of ours has told me without their knowledge. I actually don't care about the contents of the secret, but they take it seriously. They're not willing to open up to me, but I still wish to comfort them somehow. I'm not sure what to do...
That's why I try my best when it comes to word choices. In the end, the words that I choose to use means a lot in whether I come off as intimidating, nice, mean, whatever. It's also why the hardest thing for me is not knowing what to say. When I can't say anything because the other person doesn't want me to know why they're hurting or because it would reveal too much information on my end, it hurts. A lot. I want to say something, I truly do. Even if they're far away, if I feel that they're hurting, then I hurt too.
I don't like secrets. Which is kinda weird, considering how secretive I am. Or, at the very least, there's a lot that I don't like saying aloud. However, the thing about secrets is that it feeds my paranoia. I read over things that I say carefully, trying to see if there is a hint that the secret could be found. And in the end, secrets prohibit me even more in my words. And with how I am and how internet relations are, further limitations in speech are a bad thing.
I'm incredibly paranoid and insecure. It's hard for me to talk because I constantly go over what I say. Are my word choices right? Do I come off as too mean or condescending? How much information regarding myself am I showing? Will the other person take offense to my words? Am I comfortable with showing this much information? How will I be seen to others? Am I saying so much that it's annoying?
I guess that's why I'm not good with Twitter. With Twitter, it's not just the reaction of one person that I have to worry about. It's every person that's following me, every person that might possibly take a look at my Twitter. Therefore, I have difficulty talking with Twitter. Blogging is also difficult. Sometimes, I see it as an honesty issue. Hiding the truth, or something. However, blogging isn't necessarily as difficult as tweeting because there's less of an obligation with having to see my blogposts over having to see my tweets. Maybe someday, I'll be able to get over these things.
As for why I'm talking about this? A friend is hurting right now. I wish to comfort them, but I'm not exactly sure how. They're keeping a secret that a mutual friend of ours has told me without their knowledge. I actually don't care about the contents of the secret, but they take it seriously. They're not willing to open up to me, but I still wish to comfort them somehow. I'm not sure what to do...
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