So, Tumblr has this thing about triggers.
Where half of Tumblr doesn't know what triggers are so they think everything is a trigger.
And the other half is convinced that triggers don't even exist.
(Okay, I'm exaggerating. There are people who actually understand what triggers are and such and can treat the topic in a respectful manner.)
And so I've seen lists before. About how triggers DO NOT make you angry, DO NOT merely upset you, and all this other stuff (that makes me wonder but, y'know.)
The point of this is that my therapist and I recently realized that I can't tell when I'm being triggered. Or at least, it's really difficult for me to. It's not so much realized that fact itself as we realized that it happened. Except my therapist is there to help me this time around. We kind of already knew that I would have difficulties sensing when I'm triggered.
I suppose it's because one of the symptoms of my depression is isolating myself. That means cutting myself off from emotions, responsibilities... in a sense, reality. Of course, it's pretty much impossible to cut ties with reality, because you're alive and time continues whether you acknowledge it or not, which, I guess, is where the suicidal idealization and desires to disappear came in.
One of the key things that I had to remember pulling myself out of it is that I will be okay even if I don't accomplish my responsibilities the way I, or anyone else, wanted me to. I'll still live even if I turn in my homework late, and that I shouldn't feel guilty. It's okay for me to accept responsibilities and then complete them in my own way. And it's okay for me to feel certain emotions, and that I shouldn't feel guilty for any of those either. My emotions and my way of completing responsibilities are what makes me me, and I should not feel ashamed of either of them.
That being said, neither of us are completely sure what triggered me, as I didn't catch it until she pointed it out. However, we're pretty sure I'm isolating myself due to being overwhelmed by a number of simultaneous triggers. And it's true that there's a lot happening in a relatively short amount of time. I'm kinda disgruntled because that doesn't give me any hints on identifying them.
I was honestly surprised when she pointed out that I had been triggered. I had expected a trigger to be something that hits me on the head and leaves me crying. It had crept up on me like a leech, in the same way my depression originally began, to be honest. From this experience, I'm guessing that triggers for mental illness is like when a physical illness relapses. You're on the road to recovery, or maybe it feels like you've already recovered, when something causes you to return to your ill state. It's different depend on what you're sick with and what you, your body and mind, are like, but it certainly doesn't mean something that upsets or angers or saddens you. It's something that causes you to become incapable of functioning properly.