Updates on my life first before I get all deep on y'all. I've been seeing a therapist, and I think I've been doing better. She thinks I'm doing better too. Currently part of a group project with someone who's not too fond of me.
As I laid in bed this morning, I realized that I do have a lot of what it takes to be a leader. I try to include everyone's opinions. I am able to contact the teacher for further instructions or for extensions in deadlines if necessary, speaking on behalf of my group. I can arrange meetings and organize meeting dates and information. But what I can't seem to do is get the group to actively work. I'm unable to boost morale. I can contact the group members, asking for their opinions all I want. If they won't answer, then it's no good. I can organize meetings and information documents all I want. If my teammates refuse to be productive at these meetings, it's no use. And in the end, I always get to an ending where my absence causes the group to fall. And I'm not sure what to do anymore.
I really wish that someone could step up and take the reins from me for a little while, let me have a breather. No matter which class I get the group project in, I seem to always be seen as the leader. And I enjoy being needed, I enjoy taking charge and feeling the productivity. However, it gets a bit ridiculous when there isn't really productivity. And I'm trying my best, but it's so disheartening knowing that I'm in a group with people who do not wish to cooperate with me, who refuse to answer to my messages and refuse to give me their contact info.
And I think a good part of this is because I'm just the type that people prefer not listening to. I tend to ramble and I'm emotionally weak to the point that I can be taken advantage of easily. I talk like a dork, especially since I have a slight accent. And I think I'm a little too earnest for people to handle ahaha Apathy and indifference seems to be the more likeable aspect nowadays.
And a leader is no good if they have nothing. A leader whose group refuses to listen to them isn't a leader.
My mind then wandered to the fact that I haven't really changed. Even when I was 4 or 5, I was more of the loner type. I played with others just fine, but I was never really sought out. I've been told that my teacher worried, seeing as how I was mostly with her or by myself. I liked sitting in the book corner and reading on my own, playing with clay and paints by myself.
I remember this time in kindergarten where I was sitting in the book corner as everyone else was doing whatever, and I read The Giving Tree. And I cried. I cried because of how sad it was. The tree had given everything to the boy, and the boy gave nothing in return. I thought the tree was so nice and was happy up until the later parts of the book, in which the tree gave up its everything and I realized that the boy would grow up and die and the tree would still be there. (I have a feeling that I thought too much when I was a kid.) I still cry thinking about that book.
One of these days, I'll get out my 5th grade journal and type some of it up (along with analysis and commentary), just because it amuses me how similar I am to my past. (And I can't think of a proper conclusion, so I'm just leaving this here)