Aaaaand I start off the year being like. three days late on my resolutions. oops.
It's also 1am and I still need to do my first drawing of the year.
Of no matters, ofc! Resolutions beneath the cut.
SimpLee Me
Nothing interesting; Just me.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Monday, December 29, 2014
2014 Year in Review
Two days until the new year! Figured I should go over my resolutions for this year and see how well I did!
I've changed a lot this year, going through therapy and learning how to better myself. I feel a heckton better about everything, so it's kinda funny reading my 2014 New Year's post. What a grouch LOL.
Anyways! For 2014!
I've changed a lot this year, going through therapy and learning how to better myself. I feel a heckton better about everything, so it's kinda funny reading my 2014 New Year's post. What a grouch LOL.
Anyways! For 2014!
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Busy Back to School
So this is gonna be a pretty short post, since it's fuck-thirty in the morning and I got school.
It's currently my... 4th week? of school. I'm... honestly really tired and having trouble keeping up. But I think I've been doing well in keeping myself up.
There was an assembly today with guest motivational speaker Houston Kraft. I'll be making a post about that later hopefully.
I just wanted to mention, though, my physics teacher. He told us that he was forced to take a class on speech when becoming a teacher, and that he wasn't allowed to say ums and uhs. Therefore, we shouldn't either. He even has a little buzzer with tiny stars painted on and everything.
So he's calling us by pulling cards at random. He even shuffles the cards back into the deck after, so it's possible to be called on multiple times in a row. It's very suspenseful and nerve wrecking.
In any case, I was called on. After giving my answer, he stated that my reply had been the most eloquent all day. That's already a pretty big deal. This was the last period of the day. Even better.
Anyways, like I said, it's morning, I'm sick, I need sleep.
It's currently my... 4th week? of school. I'm... honestly really tired and having trouble keeping up. But I think I've been doing well in keeping myself up.
There was an assembly today with guest motivational speaker Houston Kraft. I'll be making a post about that later hopefully.
I just wanted to mention, though, my physics teacher. He told us that he was forced to take a class on speech when becoming a teacher, and that he wasn't allowed to say ums and uhs. Therefore, we shouldn't either. He even has a little buzzer with tiny stars painted on and everything.
So he's calling us by pulling cards at random. He even shuffles the cards back into the deck after, so it's possible to be called on multiple times in a row. It's very suspenseful and nerve wrecking.
In any case, I was called on. After giving my answer, he stated that my reply had been the most eloquent all day. That's already a pretty big deal. This was the last period of the day. Even better.
Anyways, like I said, it's morning, I'm sick, I need sleep.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Triggers
So, Tumblr has this thing about triggers.
Where half of Tumblr doesn't know what triggers are so they think everything is a trigger.
And the other half is convinced that triggers don't even exist.
(Okay, I'm exaggerating. There are people who actually understand what triggers are and such and can treat the topic in a respectful manner.)
And so I've seen lists before. About how triggers DO NOT make you angry, DO NOT merely upset you, and all this other stuff (that makes me wonder but, y'know.)
The point of this is that my therapist and I recently realized that I can't tell when I'm being triggered. Or at least, it's really difficult for me to. It's not so much realized that fact itself as we realized that it happened. Except my therapist is there to help me this time around. We kind of already knew that I would have difficulties sensing when I'm triggered.
I suppose it's because one of the symptoms of my depression is isolating myself. That means cutting myself off from emotions, responsibilities... in a sense, reality. Of course, it's pretty much impossible to cut ties with reality, because you're alive and time continues whether you acknowledge it or not, which, I guess, is where the suicidal idealization and desires to disappear came in.
One of the key things that I had to remember pulling myself out of it is that I will be okay even if I don't accomplish my responsibilities the way I, or anyone else, wanted me to. I'll still live even if I turn in my homework late, and that I shouldn't feel guilty. It's okay for me to accept responsibilities and then complete them in my own way. And it's okay for me to feel certain emotions, and that I shouldn't feel guilty for any of those either. My emotions and my way of completing responsibilities are what makes me me, and I should not feel ashamed of either of them.
That being said, neither of us are completely sure what triggered me, as I didn't catch it until she pointed it out. However, we're pretty sure I'm isolating myself due to being overwhelmed by a number of simultaneous triggers. And it's true that there's a lot happening in a relatively short amount of time. I'm kinda disgruntled because that doesn't give me any hints on identifying them.
I was honestly surprised when she pointed out that I had been triggered. I had expected a trigger to be something that hits me on the head and leaves me crying. It had crept up on me like a leech, in the same way my depression originally began, to be honest. From this experience, I'm guessing that triggers for mental illness is like when a physical illness relapses. You're on the road to recovery, or maybe it feels like you've already recovered, when something causes you to return to your ill state. It's different depend on what you're sick with and what you, your body and mind, are like, but it certainly doesn't mean something that upsets or angers or saddens you. It's something that causes you to become incapable of functioning properly.
Where half of Tumblr doesn't know what triggers are so they think everything is a trigger.
And the other half is convinced that triggers don't even exist.
(Okay, I'm exaggerating. There are people who actually understand what triggers are and such and can treat the topic in a respectful manner.)
And so I've seen lists before. About how triggers DO NOT make you angry, DO NOT merely upset you, and all this other stuff (that makes me wonder but, y'know.)
The point of this is that my therapist and I recently realized that I can't tell when I'm being triggered. Or at least, it's really difficult for me to. It's not so much realized that fact itself as we realized that it happened. Except my therapist is there to help me this time around. We kind of already knew that I would have difficulties sensing when I'm triggered.
I suppose it's because one of the symptoms of my depression is isolating myself. That means cutting myself off from emotions, responsibilities... in a sense, reality. Of course, it's pretty much impossible to cut ties with reality, because you're alive and time continues whether you acknowledge it or not, which, I guess, is where the suicidal idealization and desires to disappear came in.
One of the key things that I had to remember pulling myself out of it is that I will be okay even if I don't accomplish my responsibilities the way I, or anyone else, wanted me to. I'll still live even if I turn in my homework late, and that I shouldn't feel guilty. It's okay for me to accept responsibilities and then complete them in my own way. And it's okay for me to feel certain emotions, and that I shouldn't feel guilty for any of those either. My emotions and my way of completing responsibilities are what makes me me, and I should not feel ashamed of either of them.
That being said, neither of us are completely sure what triggered me, as I didn't catch it until she pointed it out. However, we're pretty sure I'm isolating myself due to being overwhelmed by a number of simultaneous triggers. And it's true that there's a lot happening in a relatively short amount of time. I'm kinda disgruntled because that doesn't give me any hints on identifying them.
I was honestly surprised when she pointed out that I had been triggered. I had expected a trigger to be something that hits me on the head and leaves me crying. It had crept up on me like a leech, in the same way my depression originally began, to be honest. From this experience, I'm guessing that triggers for mental illness is like when a physical illness relapses. You're on the road to recovery, or maybe it feels like you've already recovered, when something causes you to return to your ill state. It's different depend on what you're sick with and what you, your body and mind, are like, but it certainly doesn't mean something that upsets or angers or saddens you. It's something that causes you to become incapable of functioning properly.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Orientation Issues
I'm feeling a lot better about myself (and I have irl friends now), but that leads me to another issue. I'm emotionally stable, so I can start thinking about things that might've been too much for me back when I was still struggling to keep myself emotionally stable. And this includes thinking about which parts of me would be accepted by others and which parts I'd have to do a bit more explaining about. This is pretty much just going to be another rant in which I have too many thoughts and not enough words. Please also note that I'm still a confused teen about halfway through highschool and trying to figure out herself and the world.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Feelings about Romantic Orientation Representation in Literature
AKA I went out to the library today, and managed to catch that feeling of I-Haven't-Been-Out-In-A-While-and-Forgot-How-Many-Things-I-Hate-About-Society. And now I need to rant.
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